The Binge Diary

Almost 1 Year Later and No Word From Shades

2011-06-14T19:32:00.001-07:00

I have been home from treatment for almost one year. Can you believe it? Wow!

I am watching Addicted to Food on OWN and realized that's it's been almost one year since I've been home and not ONCE did Shades ever try to follow up with me after treatment.

I left and thank god I am doing ok because their aftercare plan is
NONEXISTENT! It's pretty sad really. $20,000, a few weeks in Buffalo Gap, and then - poof - Shades is gone from your life forever. One call from them or even an email would have been nice!

Oh well, I don't feel it is necessary to contact them to tell them I am doing well. I am not sure how much they had to do with it.

Did you go to Shades of Hope and have a similar experience or an experience like this at another treatment center? Maybe this lack of post-treatment communication is normal?! Who knows!

Blind date tomorrow! Wish me luck!

Hello, old friends!

2011-05-22T21:08:00.001-07:00

I have not posted in months, so I thought I would give you a quick update on all of the positives changes in my life since my last post:

-Tonight I posted my first Facebook photo album in 4 years. Fuck the rude people who will look at me and comment on my weight. This is who I am. Live with
It. :) I am ME!!!

-I am going on a beach vacation next weekend with my family and I'm going to wear a bathing suit in public for the first time in about two years or so.

-I got a new job! I've been there a little over 2 months. They wanted ME! It made me feel great about myself.

-I dated a guy for about 5 weeks. Things didn't work out, but it gave me hope that someday I will find someone to marry! Can you believe it? Very exciting.

-I went to another wedding and wore a strapless dress. Photos were taken and posted to Facebook. Oh well!

-I haven't slept at my parents house in months

-No big crying episodes or breakdowns

So, overall I've been doing extremely well. I an still taking that diet pill phentermine and it isn't working at all. I've been on it for a couple of months and have lost 5 lbs. I prob need to get off of it.

Eating is still not easy, but it's a bit easier bc I am not with my parents so much. I try to eat what I am craving so I wont overdo it if I deprive myself. It is still a struggle and I am sure it will always be!

I am still not happy with my body or the way I look, and i know my weight is affecting my health, but I am doing the best I can. Even maintaining my weight (195-200 lbs) for the past year has been an accomplishment! I am okay day-to-day with it and I am learning to accept this body.

So, Shades of Hope is now on the OWN network on a show called Addicted to Food. It is all such a ridiculous "show" and everything is so fake. I just hope people don't watch it and waste money at Shades. I am still in so much debt from it. The tv show does not accurately portray the facility or the staff at all. Anyone agree? It has been almost 1 year since my intake at Shades and I still try to block the experience out of my mind.

Anyway, life is good! I haven't been to therapy or a Dietition since 2010 and I think stopping it has really helped. Before, I spent all my time overanalyzing and now I am actually trying to LIVE my life. Ofcourse my psychiatrist and the meds do help now! Anyway, I hope you all can find comfort in the fact that I am trying to move on with my life and that I am living it (smiling, laughing, etc.).

Hope all is well with you!

An Update: On Happiness, Life, and Love

2011-02-20T21:08:00.001-08:00

Everything in my life has changed. I smile now. I enjoy things. I am able to leave my apartment without the fear that everyone is staring at me. It is the medication. It has turned my life around. I have lost 4 or 5 pounds and ofcourse that is very exciting (am almost under 200), but that isn't the best part; the fact that I am feeling more like my old self is incredible. Before the depression, eating disorder, and treatment, I was happy, fun, silly, and smiling. I had my lonely, sad moments, but overall I was a fun person. I liked to laugh, be with friends, and be the center of attention. I feel more that way now than I have in a while. I still have a lot of issues around my weight, eating, clothes, my relationship with my mother, etc., but I feel good. And that is truly a miracle.

This weekend, I visited my college town and saw people I have not seen in about three years. The last time they saw me I was 75 pounds less. But, I overcame my fear and made the trip. And, it was actually fun. My old friends accepted me the way I am now and that felt amazing. It is even more amazing that I was confident enough to fly to this college town and be brave enough to face my fear of showing the world how I look. I feel pride that I was able to face this fear.

Most of the friends I visited have serious boyfriends, just like my friends at home. I was very conscious of the lack of single friends, but it didn't completely bring me down. I was okay. It was okay.

On another note, the reason I have been so MIA with this blog is that I am trying to live my life. When I was depressed, I enjoyed reading ED blogs and connecting with other bloggers. Now, it feels better to blog when I feel like it and stay away from the blogs that obsess about weight and depression. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for the support from the blogging community, but I have needed a break. I haven't seen my therapist or nutritionist in two months, and shifting my focus has been immensely helpful. So, my lack of participation in the blogging community has been along those lines. I am not saying goodbye, but I will be blogging and commenting less. I will keep you updated on my life, but now more than ever I realize the importance of this blog as a journal for myself versus a story to market to others to gain followers.

So, take a break from your blog, your therapy, your obsessing. Live your life. It is so simple. You might see a change in yourself. Why did I not see it before?

Quick Update

2011-02-03T20:23:00.000-08:00

Hi all!

Quick update: I have been doing pretty well. Things aren't magically better, but ofcourse I am more optimistic about my weight everything now. I am still having trouble being negative and not feeling left out with my friends. Food-wise, I have been doing a LOT better. I have lost about 3 or 4 pounds, which is good. I know I am being crazy, but I thought it would come off faster. I am been trying to eat well! I guess slow is healthy. I need to look at the positive - with everything in my life.

Ok. Gotta go.

How do you stay positive? I need some advice in order to make myself learn how to be happy!

Phentermine - And the Journey Begins...

2011-01-25T22:45:00.001-08:00

Hi all,

So, I know many of you aren't going to approve what I am going to say in this post, but I am going to write about it anyway because I write this blog for ME.

I started taking Phentermine again. This is the prescription diet pill that I took 5 or so years ago that made me lose 40+ pounds. I took it for three years and then eventually it wore off and I gained the weight back (more on that later). I have been taking Phentermine for two days and I already feel great. I am eating a lot less (and more importantly healthier) and that has given me HOPE. I haven’t binged (because I feel full) and I am very hopeful that this will help me get back down to a healthy weight and teach me how to eat better.

I had a choice to make. I could keep gaining weight (and bingeing) which would probably lead to diabetes OR give this drug another try. My weight is slowly becoming a serious medical issue (I am 5’3 and considered “severely obese”), so my doctor recommended this. I know that the drug will eventually wear off (like it did last time), but it is worth it even if it works a little bit. I have tried hundreds of times to lose weight myself and it just doesn’t work with my eating issues. This drug will help me eat intuitively, while keeping my appetite under control. It will help me learn to be healthy. Next, I have to figure out the food plan situation. Do you go to a dietitian while practicing intuitive eating? How does that work?

I feel very positive about this. I want to be able to at least shop in regular stores and feel okay about myself. Last weekend, I was supposed to go to a big formal fundraiser on Saturday night and I didn't go because I felt so horrible about the way I looked in my dress. That shouldn't happen. I should be able to LIVE MY LIFE.

I understand the risks and that this isn't a "magic" pill that will take away the way I feel about myself or my eating issues, but it will definitely give me a boost for the short term and get me on track. I am working on dealing with the underlying issues anyway, so this is coming at the problem from a different angle.

Ofcourse, I am worried about what happens when the effects eventually wear off. So, I have to do everything differently this time: learn how to like/cook healthy foods, find a form of exercise that I actually enjoy, manage coming off of the drug, etc.

I was thinking about the last time I took this drug and slowly gained all of the weight back. A big part of the issue was that I was very depressed about leaving college and moving back home. I was in a bad place. This time, I must manage everything differently.

Here's some information about Phentermine:

"Phentermine is used for a limited period of time to speed weight loss in overweight people who are exercising and eating a low-calorie diet. Phentermine is in a class of medications called anorectics. It works by decreasing appetite."

"Phentermine works on the hypothalamus portion of the brain to release norepinephrine, a neurotransmitter or chemical messenger that signals a fight-or-flight response, reducing hunger. Phentermine works outside the brain as well to release epinephrine or adrenaline causing fat cells to break down stored fat, but the principal basis of efficacy is hunger-reduction. At clinically relevant doses, phentermine also releases serotonin and dopamine, but to a much lesser extent than that of norepinephrine."

Thoughts?

208 But Doing Okay!

2011-01-20T21:37:00.000-08:00

Hi there!

1. My blog was listed as one of the Top 50 Addiction Counseling Blogs by The Counseling Courier. I am not sure how legit it is, but whatever. Cool nonetheless. The site looks a little fake.

2. I am feeling a teeeeeny tiny bit better about the friend thing. I am trying to be more social by getting involved in social things and that feel good. My goal is to join every group and association I can find. Obviously that can't happen overnight....I hope this weekend is better than last. I have plans Saturday night and errands to run Saturday. That is all though. I am not sure how to make plans without bothering my current friends. I haven't really made any new friends yet that I can be with. AHHHH. This sucks.

3. I went to the doctor today and weighed 208 lbs. I think my scale at home is a few pounds lower. Bummer. I am 8 pounds up from when I left treatment in August. :( How long will it be before I can apply to the biggest loser? UGH this makes me crazy.

4. I had a good week overall. So yay for that, but I had a few down moments. Food is still hard. I think it has been worse because I went to a boot camp with my mom on Monday night and it made me crazy (thinking about foot, dieting, etc.). The actual class was hard but fine. But, it screwed with my head. When I try to exercise, diet, and eat healthy, everything flies out the window - big time. The opposite happens. So, instead of eating well, I skipped the second class, bailed on my mom, and ordered pizza and breadsticks... and ate almost all of it by myself and then felt very sick. I was sneaky, hoping that none of the neighbors would see the pizza delivery (only fat people eat pizza, right?). Just like old times. Anyway, I am trucking along slowly. Still better than I was in the summer though - I've got to keep that into perspective.

I often talk about all of the bad in my life. This is my journal to rant, complain, and be honest, but I need to acknowledge all of the good too. I am WORLDS better than I was three months ago. I have gone out, I have been social, and I am smiling and laughing. I have a bunch of trips planned to visit some college friends and a high school friend who moved out of town. That is HUGE. One year ago, I would have never done these things because I was too embarrassed to be seen in public. This weekend, I have a fundraiser where I have to wear a strapless dress. I am not sure if I am not nervous about it because I am doing well or because I think my pagmina can cover up my fatty deposit.

Anyway, things are good. So, thanks for sticking with me. Keep on readin', my friends!

A Momentary Lapse

2011-01-15T19:49:00.000-08:00

I have had a momentary lapse in my change for the better. Things have been hard lately...really hard with food, because I have been upset.

I don't feel like my friends are there for me. I will sit at home on a Saturday night and nobody will call me. Later, I will hear about how they all went out. In an effort to make plans (so that I am not alone), I ask my friends to go to dinner during the week almost every week. They usually say no and are with their significant others. I know I need to make single friends, but this is still really hard to go through. I sent an email to my friends asking 5 of them to come watch the golden globes Sunday night. Everyone said they had plans... It was late notice, but it still upsets me. I am really trying to reach out, but its hard. I don't want to sit in my apartment alone. And, every now and then when my friends DO want to be with me, I resent them. So, I am spending a lot of time with my parents. Its sad. My mom says it is normal to feel this way and that my friends aren't doing this to hurt me - that they are in different places with their boyfriends/fiancees/husbands, but it is still really hard to be alone so much. Deep down, I know they don't want to hurt me, but I guess it just feels shitty that they aren't there.

I decided I have to stop asking them to get together all the time. I know I am bothering them (no question in my mind). Sometimes, they don't even return my texts. I need to make some new single friends so that I'm not alone. Still, in the meantime, its really hard. I slept at my parents house yesterday and I am there again tonight. I don't know how to meet these new single friends or how this will work. It is really upsetting me and I just can't shake it. Is this how its going to be forever? Are all of my friends going to get married and start having babies while I am fat and unhappy at my parents' house? What happens when my parents get elderly and something happens to them. I will die. Anyway, enough of this tangent...

My eating has been horrible because I've been so upset. I don't even want to rehash it. It hasn't been this bad in a while. My weight is just climbing higher and higher. Last Sunday I went to Weight Watchers, kept it for 1 day (then binged the second day) and then did badly all week. I am going again tomorrow, but I know this isn't working. I don't know what to do. I keep wishing I could go back in time and do my whole life over. No dieting.

I also haven't seen my therapist in weeks. I got tired of rehashing the same things over and over, and I am also trying to save money. It didn't look great that I left work for almost 2 hours every Monday (appointment + commute). AND, I called in sick AGAIN on Friday. That is two weeks in a row. Not good - not good at all.

I am a hot mess.

This week, I am starting a boot camp with my mom. I need to exercise and get healthy or I am going to die. I know that sounds harsh, but its true. Ugh. I hate my life (sorry to be a debbie downer). I am still doing better than I was before... so thats a plus...

Another Sick Day

2011-01-04T21:47:00.001-08:00

I took ANOTHER sick day today. I know. It's really bad. I feel so guilty about it. I probably take one sick day every three weeks. I need to get out of this habit.

Anyway, the reason I took the sick day was that i felt like shit because I got no sleep again because of my loud neighbor. This was the third night in a row. I talked to the leasing office today so hopefully they can talk to this guy. I woke up, wrote an email to my boss, and then slept until noon. I did nothing all day. I overate, got lonely, and now I am sleeping at my parents house. I don't feel too depressed or anything, just tired of being alone... I'm frustrated with my job and still feel like my friends don't want to be there for me. I feel like they don't call me. I only see them when I make the effort. In reality, I am probably exaggerating this in my head, but I can't help it. It bothers me.

I had the urge to order Chinese again today (my go-to binge) but i didn't so that is positive.

I feel better after being here like I always do. Being with my mom gives me a boost.

Also, I cancelled my therapy appointment on Monday so I haven't seen my therapist in two weeks because of the holidays. I also haven't seen my dietitian in weeks. I'm okay with that for now though. I probably do have some things I should talk through, but it has been nice to take a break from all of the doctors. It gets exhausting.

Ok. I HAVE to go to work tomorrow. No excuses. At least I know my mom won't let me oversleep and i wont have a loud neighbor tonight.

Sorry for the rambling!

Laziness and the Motivation to Work Out

2011-01-03T20:59:00.000-08:00

Hi All. Today wasn't actually a wonderful day, but I am ok - no worries.

I didn't fall asleep last night until 3:30am because my neighbor in my apartment was being really loud. So, I woke up exhausted. I packed a breakfast and a lunch so that was positive. I got to work and found out that some of my coworkers are leaving the company. Everything seems like it is changing really fast in my work world. By lunch time, I was sick of being at work. It was so hard to be back and I couldn't stop yawning. So, after I ate my lunch, I went to work from home for the afternoon. That didn't go well. I kept falling asleep but was able to wake myself up to check my work email every now and then. It was pretty unproductive. So, now I am worried that I am not going to be able to sleep tonight again because the napping. Oh no. That would be horrible. After I woke up from my nap(s), I watched tv and ordered Chinese food which wasn't good. I thought about just eating a frozen meal (thats all I have in my apartment) but got worried that it wasn't going to be enough food and that I would feel hungry all night (the worst feeling). So, I ate a lot, feel guilty about it, and feel kinda lonely now because I have been in my apartment alone since 1 pm today. I guess I did this all to myself though.

Tomorrow, I will make my breakfast and lunch again and get back with the program, make plans, and not sit around. That is so hard sometimes.

Unfortunately I am just a lazy person. I have always been this way. I would much rather watch TV and read a book than go out sometimes. I love sleeping and naps. A lot of my lack of energy probably has to do with my weight, right?

I would like to begin starting to work out (again) but I hate it. I just really do. Every time I try to make a workout routine, I stick with it for a few days and then quit because I hate it. I also hate that I do it ONLY for weight purposes and not for health at all. I just can't go to the gym and not think about my body image and weight. It just never feels like a positive experience... the skinny people, the big mirrors, the jiggling fat...

I thought about working out tonight actually, but then I thought about how much I ate for dinner. Instead of thinking "I can go work this off," I thought "whatever...I've ruined the night anyway." I kept thinking that there was no point in working out if I had already eaten badly. There I go with my black-or-white thinking again.

So, my question for you is HOW CAN I GET MYSELF TO WORK OUT AND STOP BEING LAZY? Do you work out in the morning or evening? How do you get yourself there? What type of workout do you do? How do you fit it in your work schedule? HELP! I need major advice.

Cherry on Top Award

2011-01-02T22:09:00.000-08:00

Hooray! I was just given the Cherry on Top Award by Diary of a Former Food Addict, one of my favorite new blogs. I would like to award this awesome honor to a few blogs who I think have "that little bit extra!" If I could, I would also award it right back to F.F.A. (above).

Congratulations!!

Back to Work I Go

2011-01-02T20:34:00.000-08:00

It is going to be SO hard to go back to work tomorrow after being off for over a week. It was nice to sleep late, hang out, and have fun. I know that if I didn't have a job I would be bored to tears (and depressed), but I loved not working this week. I know I am probably not the only one ;) When I came back from residential treatment, before I started working again, I was miserable. So, I know working is the best for me... not as if it is really an option anyway.

Are YOU ready to go back to work tomorrow?

P.S. - Just ordered some cute shirts from City Chic! This is the type of plus size clothing I am looking for (or what they have at Forever 21 Plus). Any suggestions are welcome!!

1.1.11 - Just Another Saturday

2011-01-01T20:31:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone. Aren't you so proud about how much I've been posting? Yay! I started off the year right by having a good day. I feel very positive about 2011.

Anyway, let me tell you a little about my day. I woke up at noon and then brought lunch over to my brother and a few of his college friends that were visiting. They wanted Chick-Fil-A and I wanted to order more, but I ate my one chicken sandwich and fries and was good. We saw a movie and then for dinner we wen't out for mexican. I ate SO many chips that I felt like my mom kept looking at me. I love mexican and it is so hard to just eat normally at mexican restaurants. I left though and will not eat anything for the rest of the night. One dinner won't hurt me, right? I need to stay away from mexican food.

Now, I am back at my apartment, watching Jersey Shore and listening to the guy in the apartment below me watch a REALLY loud movie... ugh. so annoying.

I talked to a friend yesterday who I met at Shades of Hope. I haven't talked to her since I left and basically she told me that she left MUCH worse than she came in. What a waste of FOUR months. She said the treatment team really brought her down and she did not come out like she expected she would. She also told me that many of the people I was there with had also relapsed and gone to other treatment centers. That is very disturbing. I hate that place and it drives me crazy that Oprah is doing a show about it. I am sure they will make it look way different than it actually is. There aren't many reviews about the treatment center anywhere by previous patients, so I hope others don't make the same mistake by trusting the website like I did or the fru fru Oprah show. Anyway, check out my previous rant about Shades of Hope here (prompted by another former patient who feels the same).

Goodnight, bloggers.

First Post of 2011 - New Year's Eve Recap

2011-01-01T00:21:00.000-08:00

Ok. So here is a recap of my super duper exciting New Year's Eve.

I got my hair done just to make myself feel better. The hair lady was new and curled it badly and it fell RIGHT when I got home. I started freaking out because my hair just looked straight and dirty from all of the hair spray she put in. In the end, I just pinned it half up. Sucked though. What a waste.

I went to dinner and it was fine. It was two couples, me, and another single girlfriend. Dinner was so yummy and I ate A LOT. I hope I didn't look like a beast or something. I always worry about what I look like eating to other people because when I eat I really get in a "zone." Anyway, it was fine and all was ok. I took a picture with everyone and then saw it on the camera and it made me feel bad about myself. I tried to push it to the back of my mind.

After dinner, we were supposed to go to a house party that I have been anxious about. After feeling bad about the way I looked, I was doubting going. I really could have gone either way. The old me would have gone home and felt bad about myself. I pushed myself to go to the house party (because I am trying to be positive) and I am glad I did.

At first, the party was awkward. For a moment I actually felt really alone and teared up a little. I got myself together (nobody saw), talked to people, and had an okay time. Everyone was nice (even though I am not BFF with them) and one of my friends even said she might have someone to set me up with! She brought it up! So yay. I hope that works out. I left with another good friend and her husband soon after midnight. They dropped me off at my apartment and here I am.

So, here are some lessons I learned tonight:
1. I need to keep pushing myself to do social things.
2. 2011 WILL be better than 2010 (it can't get much worse)
3. I need to cut all of the anxious shit and HAVE FUN LIVING MY LIFE
4. Nobody likes a Debbie Downer. Even my good friends. They don't want to hear me complain.
5. Wearing flat shoes is definitely the way to go.

Tomorrow is 1.1.11! Have a good one!

Chick-fil-a

2010-12-31T12:43:00.001-08:00

Just drove through Chick-fil-A and ate one chicken sandwich and THREE orders of large fries. Yuck. I feel sick and too full.

I am not sure why I did it. I guess I feel lonely and anxious about my New Year's plans.

Last binge of 2010.

New Year's Resolutions - Happy 2011!

2010-12-31T00:10:00.000-08:00

Hi all. Hope you are doing well.

My parents are out of town again for New Year's and I am still feeling a little unsure about it. I know that I am 25, but I am so connected to them (especially my mom) that when they leave town it is hard. I just feel alone. There is no other way to describe it (even though I live alone). I guess I see them a lot. Like I said in previous posts, once I move forward from my food issues, this is something I need to work on. It is hard to have my own life here because I rely on my parents so much. In reality, I like being with my parents a lot more than some of my friends. I know that is codependent and crazy. I guess I haven't really grown up like other people my age because of this eating disorder and my enmeshed relationship with my mom.

On another note, I can't believe tomorrow is already New Year's Eve. I am not excited about my plans. The more I think about it, the more I am nervous because the group of people I will be with are all in a tight group and I feel on the outside when I am with them. I have a few good friends going, but it is weird because I have known a lot of these people for years and we just aren't friends... If they were interested in being friends with me, they could have done so years ago... so it'll be interesting. I am going to dress cute and get my hair blown dry so I feel good about myself.

I know it is important to make (and achieve) attainable goals. I have never really made New Year's resolutions in the past, but I figured it might be a nice change for me. I also thought it would be good (and healthy) if they didn't have anything to do with my weight. So, here it goes.

1. Cook 2 or 3 times per week instead of picking up/ordering out
2. Eat more "whole" foods and less processed stuff
3. Find an exercise that I like (try yoga) and exercise at least once a week
4. Keep in touch with out of town friends and make some new friends
5. Keep my apartment clean
6. Call grandparents at least once per week
7. Make a budget and stick to it

Thanks for reading my blog this year and I hope to have many more happy posts for you in the coming year. Happy 2011, everyone!

Happy Vacation!

2010-12-27T21:42:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone!
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas! I can't believe Christmas is already over. It is my favorite time of year so I am always a little sad when the season flies by so quickly. I love the atmosphere, the lights, the colors.... Anyway, everything here is still good. I have gone to two social functions at night in the past few days and lunch with a big group of friends and have run a thousand errands. I even have real plans for new years eve (dinner with friends and then to a friend's house after)! That is big. HUGE. For the past two years I have gone to sleep before midnight on New Year's eve. I am on vacation for the rest of the week and am happy about that.

I am actually sleeping at my parents house tonight which I know isn't the best idea, but I was lonely and didn't want to be alone or binge. So, I am here and feel fine. When does it become weird that I am almost 26 and sleep at my parents house every now and then? I think I might already be there :)

Actually, my parents were out of town recently and I noticed some interesting feelings. Right when they left I felt really sad and lonely. I even didn't leave my apartment one full day and moped and binged. Then, I thought "I can't do this anymore" and got off my ass and made some plans with friends. So, the rest of their trip was fine for me and I actually did pretty well filling up my time with social things. I did sleep at my parents house 2 nights while they were gone because I felt lonely and my brother is in town from college. I need to be okay being alone. MUST WORK ON THAT. It is hard because more and more of my friends are getting engaged and getting into serious relationships, so it isn't easy to make plans at night. Most of them are with their significant others during the week.

Food has been a challenge lately. Only a few BIG binges, but I am overeating a lot. I am not sure why. I guess the reasons for my bingeing are still there, so its pretty much the same thing (although I feel significantly happier that 2 months ago - yay). I need to get back onto the Weight Watchers wagon because I know my weight is still a big problem in my life. Despite how much I try, I know I wont be okay with myself at this weight. I need to get down to "normal" sizes, be able to shop in regular stores, and then I will be okay. Right? Doesn't that make sense?

Also, I KNOW that one of the reasons I am alone is my weight. During my skinny days, I was the center of attention and guys liked me! It felt great. It isn't like that now. Things have changed... obviously. I wan't to meet guys and get married one day, but my weight holds me back. For example, I would love to try match.com, but I know I won't be that successful because everyone judges you based on your pictures. Been there. Done that. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I try not to, I do the same thing for the guys! Are any of you on match.com or a similar dating site? What has your experience been?

Well, that is all for now. I hope this blog becomes more and more positive as I do better and better! I already feel worlds different. It is nice to get out of the house and DO SOMETHING instead of moping and feeling bad about myself all the time.

So, keep reading. I am here for the long haul.

Riding Boots

2010-12-24T00:40:00.001-08:00

I'm still doing well! Bummed about my boots situation though so help me out. Everyone is wearing cute riding boots this winter. Where can I find Wide calf riding boots? Just want to fit in!!!

Current Meds

2010-12-15T23:20:00.001-08:00

Incase you are curious, my current meds are:

-Pristiq 100 mg
-Lamotrigine 200 mg
-Deplin 15 mg

This is probably the reason I've been happy. Maybe this is just the mix I've been looking for!

Still Smiling

2010-12-15T23:17:00.001-08:00

Ok so here is the deal. I haven't been to therapy or the dietitian in weeks and I think that might be helping me. I was so tired of talking about this eating disorder over and over and over. So, I have been pushing it under the rug and trying my best to be happy. I know that is the number one goal. Happiness. I even WENT out on Saturday night!!! Ahh!! That is HUGE for me. There were def moments when I felt like a fat girl and guys hit on my other friends, but it felt good to be out again, to have a drink, and say "fuck you eating disorder-i am having FUN!" So, as you can see, things have turned around. I am scared to talk about it to friends and family bc I don't want to jinx it. I don't want to say I am doing okay and then have it all go the other way. Regardless, I am thinking that focusing on my life instead of just the eating disorder is the way to go! I am tired of wasting time talking about it. Enough already!

Victories:
-Haven't binged on takeout in over a week (since my move!)
-Have only binged a few times in the past week or two. Overeating, but one step at a time :)
-Went OUT with friends Saturday night and have been trying to be more social
-Have slept at my apartment since I moved in (1.5 weeks ago) and haven't slept at my parents house or called them hysterically crying
-I have been smiling and laughing
-I haven't been bogged down in depressing blog posts from others (no offense)!
-I made my bed almost every day since I moved in

So, yay for me! I hope this lasts. I really do plan to sit down and blog more soon.

How are all of you?

Smile on My Face - Yipeeee!

2010-12-09T12:42:00.001-08:00

Hi readers! I know I haven't written in a long time. I moved and my new apartment is awesome. I will go into more detail in my next post. Anyway, I have been feeling great and have been doing a lot better. Bingeing is less frequent and I think I might finally have the right mix of meds. I feel good - FINALLY! thank god! I think it's because I have been so busy and haven't put so much emphasis on this whole food thing.

More soon!

Gratitudes

2010-11-21T18:21:00.001-08:00

Today I am grateful for:

1. The great massage I got today
2. My loving parents
3. New beginnings
4. My cute doggies
5. Days off for thanksgiving
6. Quiet

What are you thankful for today?

Tomorrow

2010-11-21T17:22:00.001-08:00

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Turning Things Around... Again

2010-11-21T12:34:00.001-08:00

I went to Weight Watchers this morning with my mom. I gained 0.8 pounds since last sunday. I probably would have lost if I hadn't binged so much over the weekend. The weekdays weren't SO bad. Anyway, ofcourse it made me discouraged but I am going to try to binge less this week. This isnt about the weight. It about the bingeing. And i did do better. After the WW meeting, I went to walk the dogs with my mom, then ate lunch at my parents house, got a massage, and now I am at my parents house catching up on some blogs from my iPhone. I feel good right now. It is a new week and I am going to think positively, and eat healthfully this week. Thanksgiving will be a challenge with food, ofcourse. But, I will be with my family and that should help.

How was your weekend? What do you plan to do to make this week a good one?

Sad face

2010-11-20T15:27:00.001-08:00

I feel bad that I've been sitting at my apartment all weekend yet I was invited to two different birthday celebrations at bars tonight. I wish I could just get over my shit and go. I just don't know what I'd wear and I know ill feel bad about being fat. So, I am all alone and sad. I haven't left my bed all weekend. It's like I LIKE being depressed or something.

What a waste of a weekend. Of my life.

Long Week

2010-11-20T00:20:00.001-08:00

Binged tonight. Stayed home alone again. Feel like I am alone a lot. Sad that I have no boyfriend to spend time with. Friends don't even always call anymore. More and more are starting to get married or get into serious relationships. I know i will be last if im not just alone forever.

Watched 6 episodes of that show "Greek." I'm super cool.

Feeling down. Eating wasn't good at all today. No idea how to turn that around because I feel so lonely.

The worse part is that I am still fat and I just can't get over it.

Four

2010-11-17T19:43:00.000-08:00

So, today was okay eating-wise but dinner got hard. I skipped my art class because I was tired after work. I had every intention of going and even put my supplies in my car before work.

Anyway, here is the damage I did today. I ate double the points I was supposed to eat, but again, I tracked everything and didn't have a horrible binge. Trying to be proud of that...

Breakfast:
-Apple
-Whole wheat bagel with cream chese
-Cottage cheese

Lunch:
-Gyro Sandwich with tzatziki sauce
-Approx. 20 pita chips with hummus
-Diet Coke

Dinner
-WW chicken parm meal
-Can of Progresso Light soup
-Green Giant Just for One broccoli and cheese
-Whole wheat english muffin and piece of pepper jack cheese
-2 WW ice cream candy bars (3 points each)

Clearly dinner did not go as planned. Probably because I had nothing planned except maybe picking up Subway. No plans = bad news!

Weight Watchers Day 3

2010-11-16T21:26:00.001-08:00

Today was harder. I did great for breakfast and lunch and then dinner wasn't as good. I had a total of 52 points today including my very minor binge (about double what I'm supposed to have). At least I tracked it... Could have been a lot worse. Anyway, it's still progress. I am getting right back on the bandwagon tomorrow and already made a healthy breakfast and lunch.

This is what I ate today:

Breakfast:
Whole wheat bagel with WW cream cheese
Yoplait vanilla yogurt
Apple

Lunch:
Baked potato with salt and pepper
Healthy choice chicken noodle soup
Banana
WW bar

Snack:
90 cal Fiber One bar
2 light string cheeses

Dinner (Chinese takeout):
-6 crab puffs
-Hot and sour soup (2 cups?)
-White Rice (2 cups)
-Chicken with vegetables in white sauce (2-3 cups)
-2 fortune cookies

Snack:
-WW icecream candy bar

How did you do today?

Good Day

2010-11-15T22:18:00.001-08:00

1. Kept meal plan all day. Planned for all meals and did great. Went over points, but don't care because I ate healthy and didn't feel hungry. No binges!!

2. Saw therapist at lunch. Made goal for the week to go to nia class on Thursday. Need to get my body moving!

3. Ate healthy dinner at parents house and then met a friend for coffee. Got home at 9ish, did some job searching, and cleaned up room a bit. Being productive and busy is good.

Dietition tomorrow morning and therapy group after work.

Today, I am grateful for:
-Eating healthy all day and no binges
-My supportive family
-My current job
-Making goals!

Weight Watchers and Starting Anew

2010-11-14T19:53:00.001-08:00

I started today. I walked in and the lady at the front knew my name. I have a long history with WW but haven't been in about 3 years. I never lost a significant amount of weight on WW - gave it up for the diet pills, and we all know how that ended... Anyway, I decided it was time to give it a try again. Well, actually, my mom was going and asked me if I wanted to go. I figured that it was the right time for me to get off my ass and change my life. So, I went and the meeting was really good. Everyone talked about how it wasn't a diet but a lifestyle change. They never really mentioned "good" or "bad" foods. There were a lot if young people and they didn't seem that different than me. So, it was a better experience than I remember and I think that it can be a good meal plan if I work it with my dietitian. My issue is sticking with meal plans and things like this. I get tired of trying so hard. I hate cooking and preparing food! So, I need to remember the goal - to eat healthy. Today I went over my allotted point value but only by a bit and I don't care. I still ate really great for me, so that's a big step. I'm going to try to focus on the lifestyle change versus the weight loss. So, if I go above my points but still eat healthy and don't binge, I don't care. I am also going to talk to my therapist tomorrow about this. It really isn't too different from following a meal plan with a dietitian or the one they gave me at residential treatment.

The book I am reading says that it is important for those with BED to weigh one per week so they can be aware of their bodies.

So, this morning I weighed 204.4. I ate 33.5 points today (I get 27 for my weight range).

Yay for me! Starting a new week and damn it feels good!

Note to Self:

2010-11-13T15:56:00.001-08:00

Do not look at Facebook. Will make you see what others are doing and the fun they are having and make you feel horrible about yourself.

On another note, I am going to dinner with friends. Haven't done that in months. Hopefully I won't be too boring and they won't be mad when decline to go out with them after. Who wants to see a fat girl in a bar?

More Closet Cleaning

2010-11-11T21:00:00.000-08:00

Hello readers!

Tonight I spent some time cleaning out my closet. I started a while back but didn't get very far.

Step 1: A few weeks ago I got rid of all of the size 6 - 10 clothing stored at my parents house from my skinny days. It had been sitting in boxes for the past 2 or 3 years. It was time. I tried to sell some of it and I brought the stuff that didn't sell to goodwill.

Step 2: Tonight, I began packing up the 10's and 12's that are in my closet to go into storage in my parents house (where the previous skinny clothes were stored). I am keeping size 14, 16, and 18 in my closet in my new apartment (I move in 3 weeks). Hopefully, one day, I can get back to "normal" sizes. Being plus sized SUCKS.

Clearly this process is ridiculous and shows how much my life has changed in the past 5 years. I have wasted thousands and thousands of dollars on clothes. CRAZY. While looking through the clothes, I realized that at this time last year, I was a 14 (which absolutely killed me then). At that time I thought my life was over. Little did I know that a year later I would be 1-2 sizes bigger.

I just hope I don't gain even MORE weight, and I know I am not doing the things I need to do to get better. Sometimes I am good (I did a lot of cleaning tonight, had a good day, I didn't cry, etc...), but I ate badly today and ofcourse now I feel like shit.

Breakfast: Two potato, egg, and cheese kolaches (350 calories EACH) and a diet coke

Lunch: Cheeseburger, fries, and diet coke; two mini snickers candies out of my coworkers candy jar

Dinner: 1 can of progresso soup, falafel sandwich, some pita chips, 3 bites of egg salad

Ugh. I'm a pig. GROSS.

Anyway, enough about the bad and onto the good.

I am having dinner tomorrow with my mom and grandma because my dad is going out of town. Then, on Saturday, I am going to a holiday market with my mom and I am excited to get some good Christmas shopping in. I have plans to go to dinner with my roommate on Saturday night. Other than that, the weekend is pretty open. I emailed my friends a few days ago to be proactive and "social," but every single friend had plans or is going to be out of town this weekend. Oh well. At least I tried.

I was supposed to do a volunteer thing in my community but I backed out. I feel bad, but I know I need to take care of myself, go to my therapy group, start exercising, eat right, etc... I need to put MYSELF first. So, I think it was a smart decision.

Enough rambling for the night.

Happy ALMOST Friday!

Wish

2010-11-10T20:48:00.001-08:00

I wish I could start my life over knowing what I know now. I would do things so differently.

Yet, I am wasting so much time in shame, waiting for a time when I can start living my life again, a time when I am thin.

Every day is such a struggle, and I've spent over 3 years being very depressed. Maybe I don't want things to change. Maybe some weird, sick part of me likes this pain and sadness?

Tuesday Ramblings

2010-11-09T19:29:00.000-08:00

Fair day today. I did really well in the morning, saw my dietitian, etc... I skipped my group therapy and binged tonight at dinner time. That wasn't great. I felt really sick after. I have a feeling I am not going to keep the meal plan she gave me, so I know that means I need to work REALLY hard to keep it.

Anyway, I tried to make myself feel better so I cleaned up my room a bit. I found a weight record that said I weighed 175 in August 2009. Now I weigh 202. Thats scary.... No comments there except disgust. Then, I worked in this workbook called "Finding Your Voice Through Creativity." Now, I am going to go read for a bit and then catch up on some blogs.

Goodnight, all.

Back on Track

2010-11-08T20:53:00.000-08:00

Last night after I wrote my post and started to cry, I left my apartment and slept at my parents house.

They made me feel better and I woke up this morning in a better mood. I didn't binge or eat too badly today. I ate some unhealthy foods, but in moderation so it was okay. It would probably not be a great food day for most people, but it was good for me (baby steps).

After work, I went to my parents house to walk the dogs with my dad and then ate dinner there so I didn't have to eat alone. Now, I am at my apartment and I feel okay. I know I have been spending too much time with my parents, but one battle at a time, right?

I also emailed a few of my good friends to see if any of them wanted to go to dinner this coming Saturday night so I am not alone like last weekend. Can you see a pattern here? Clearly I have issues being alone.

So, the exercise today and the email to my friends were good, positive steps. I also saw my therapist during lunch and am meeting with my dietitian early tomorrow before work. See, I AM trying!

An Okay Weekend

2010-11-07T16:21:00.000-08:00

This weekend wasn't so bad.

On Friday I had a family dinner. My aunt, uncle, and grandma came over to my parents house. It was okay. I ate a lot, but the dinner was fine. After, I slept at my parents house because I didn't want to go be alone at my apartment.

On Saturday I woke up and had lunch with a friend. It was fine. I felt self conscious about eating in public, but overall it was okay. It was beautiful outside so that put me in a good mood. Saturday afternoon/night I helped a coworker work a birthday party for her daughter. It was fun until one of the young moms came. She made me feel bad- she was my age, had two kids, and was beautiful (and thin). Ofcourse she made a "joke" that she was on the "anorexic diet" and couldn't eat anything at the party. She probably was anorexic. Still, it was an inappropriate comment. The sick part of me thought "anorexic would be better than BED." I hate being fat. I guess the grass is always greener, right? After the party, I picked up dinner and went back to my apartment. I did laundry and cleaned like a super cool social 25 year old..

Today, I went to lunch with another friend, went to some furniture places, and then met with a family friend about doing some freelance writing. I am not sure what will come of that. We will see! At lunch, I saw all of these girls my age in cute outfits (jeants and boots, etc...) and felt bad that I can't wear things like that. My theighs have become too fat for high boots. So depressing. Anyway, then I went home and binged. I had an entire chipotle burrito and ordered chinese food after. Gross. Half way through the binge I thought about stopping. I considered stopping because I know I have gained SO much weight, but then felt alone and sad. So, I thought "screw it" and continued to binge.

So, overall it was a good weekend. I still don't like being here alone. My roommate is out of town, but even if she were in town I think I would feel this way. I want to go to my parents house, but I am going to try to stay here.

I just had a thought that it has been over three months since I got back from treatment. A year ago at this time, I was extremely depressed and was missing out on social events. I probably haven't been out to a bar with my friends in over a year. I am still hiding out. I can't be fat anymore - its killing me. I thought about trying my prescription diet pills again. I am not sure if they would even work anymore. Last time I tried they had lost all effect. I don't know what to do.

Now, I am crying again. Not sure what to do or where to go.

Mental Health Day - Part 2

2010-11-04T13:52:00.000-07:00

Well, I told my mom and its only 3 pm.

I also ordered pizza and breadsticks from Papa Johns for lunch. I feel gross.

Mental Health Day

2010-11-04T09:05:00.000-07:00

I took another day off today. I woke up and felt sad and had no motivation to go to the office. I hope I don't get fired. I've only been there one day this week. My coworkers have no idea what I'm dealing with. At work, I try to be as happy as possible. Underneath, every day is a struggle.

I just watched that new show "Whats Eating You" on E! It was pretty depressing and, although it did not focus on BED, I saw a lot of myself in the people they profiled (mostly the bad). For example, I hated that the patients seemed so self centered and attention-seeking, YET that is me 100% when I am in my disease. It made me anxious and teary.

Thinking about how I HAVE PUT MYSELF here makes me feel sick. I can't help but think of all of the years I've wasted feeling sorry for myself.

Anyway, I want to tell my mom that I didn't go to work today and that bothers me, like maybe I want attention from her? Or comfort? I am going to not tell her until tonight. I need to deal with this on my own sometimes I think.

Another thought I had while watching the show was that maybe I am not ready for treatment. Maybe I haven't really hit rock bottom yet so I am not ready to change. I waver in my opinion about this, (sometimes I am really motivated and others I want to quit and binge) so I don't know what to make of it. If I really AM going to do this, therapy once a week and dietitian once a week isn't enough. Maybe I should move home with my parents instead of moving to my own apartment.

Thoughts?

I'm Okay, Right?

2010-11-03T19:02:00.001-07:00

I need to keep reminding myself that I'm okay. After being with family for 5+ days, I am home alone at my apartment and kinda sad/lonely. I did reasonably well emotionally for the past few days (considering) but I think it was because I was with my parents. I always feel better when I'm with them (unhealthy I know). I am doing okay. I will BE okay. Life will end up okay. I will learn to be happy. I WILL get married and have kids and find a job that I love. I WILL be content...right? Sometimes I'm not so sure.

I binged tonight after eating "healthy" all day. I'm so sick of this. Sick of trying. Why isn't this getting any easier?

Eating While Mourning

2010-11-02T20:30:00.001-07:00

What's the deal with it? I think I've gained 5 pounds.

I am not going to discuss my grandfathers death on this blog, but just would like to say that I need to remember my grandpa and his attitude every day. He would think all of this food stuff is crazy and would tell us all to go outside and get moving.

Back to work (and stress) tomorrow.

Sad Day

2010-10-30T11:45:00.001-07:00

My grandfather passed away yesterday. He was almost 93 years old.

It's been a tough and strange 24 hours. Wish I could write more, but will have to do so later.

Xoxo

A Great Answer to a Common Question

2010-10-26T20:47:00.000-07:00

In the blog Recover, Leora Fulvio answers the question "if I can't diet, how can I lose weight?' Her answer rocks.

"Rather than trying to change it into something different, rather than disliking it the way it currently is, let yourself love it, no matter what size and shape it is. Your body deserves love no matter what it looks like. It’s your body, the only one you got. So take care of it. "

"When you take care of your body and your mind in a deliberate and loving way, you will find that your body weight naturally finds its right place. This isn’t a diet, this is thinking about the rest of your life and your body in a positive way. Strengthening it for the long haul!"

Click here to check it out more. That's just an excerpt!

Today's Blessings

2010-10-26T19:49:00.001-07:00

1. I was in a bad mood in the morning and got over it. Why? I went to lunch with my coworkers and got my mind off of my stressful job.

2. I skipped my therapy group to relax. Why? I knew I was exhausted and needed a night off. It was good to watch tv and just "veg."

3. I crossed some things off of my to do list. Why? I felt motivated to make the list smaller.

I did binge today, but other than that it was an okay day. I hadn't binged in DAYS and that made me feel restless and anxious. I was tired and didn't want to figure out dinner so I just ordered Chinese, which is always a bad idea.

Along with my food monitoring, I am weighing once a week, every Tuesday morning. Since last week, I have gained two pounds. That's a bummer since I binged less this week.

Anyway, I'm exhausted and gotta go to sleep.

How was your day? What blessings did you notice today and why did they happen? Did you binge?

Today's Positives

2010-10-25T19:48:00.001-07:00

Some great things happened today

1. I didn't binge
2. I made my bed this morning
3. I had great sushi for lunch
4. I wore a cute new shirt to work
5. I called a college friend
6. I monitored my food all day!

What positive things did you do today?

Blogger Question! HELP!

2010-10-25T19:25:00.000-07:00

Question for all of you tech-savvy bloggers out there:

How do you export a blogspot blog to a PDF document? I want to save an old blog and then delete it offline. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks!

Family Time and Getting Rid of Baggage

2010-10-24T20:17:00.001-07:00

This weekend was a good one because I spent a lot of time with my family. I also feel a lot better than I did last weekend. I think my new meds are kicking in. The whole weekend was pretty positive except for friday night when I found myself in a bar social situation and felt bad about my appearance compared to all of the other skinny, well-dressed girls. I left and everything was okay though. Whew. Not easy.

Today I went to my parents house and got rid of all my skinny clothes from college (size 6, 8, 10) to make room for the size 12, 14, and some 16s that don't fit. It is hard to wake up every day to clothes that don't fit. I need only size 16 and 18 in my closet so i don't become sad every morning when I open my closet. I am trying to clean out my life and get rid of the baggage- in more ways than one! I thought it would be more depressing than it was but I was actually okay. I kept thinking about how I was not WELL at size 6. I was taking a lot of prescription diet pills. I did not get there in a healthy way. Anyway, today I even sold a few items at Buffalo Exchange and gave some items to a skinny friend. Watching the size 6s be too big on her was a little hard because during that skinny time in my life she was a good friend. I feel so distant from her and that part of my life now. The biggest loss is the cute clothes. Oh the designer jeans and amazing tops. :( back to my plus size wardrobe.

I did not monitor my food this weekend. I did good Tuesday- Thursday but then everything ended. I didn't binge this weekend because i was with my family, but definitely overate. Tonight I sat down and recorded today's food, but I know I need to record my food right after I eat it along with my feelings so that u can notice patterns in my eating and my feelings. I'm getting back on track tomorrow.

How was your weekend?

100th Blog Post

2010-10-19T20:53:00.001-07:00

Wow. My last post was such an impulse post. It is crazy how fast I go from miserable to okay.

Although I did not binge today and monitored my food all day (hooray!), I had a really hard night. I felt bad about the state of my life, my friends, and my body. I went to my parents house for an hour and was hysterical. I called both my therapist and psychiatrist at 8:30pm. Now, I feel a little better because I got all of the pain and anger out (and it wasn't pretty) but i'm absolutely exhausted. I guess it took a lot out if me to be so upset.

I am worried that I am transferring all of my stress and depression to my parents, especially my mom. I tell her horrible things about how I am feeling. I know when I am doing badly she doesn't sleep. I don't know how to handle this. I need her but I don't know if it's better to hide my feeling from her so that I don't stress her out. I don't even known if I can do that though because I rely on her so much for support.

Why is every day so freakin' hard? When will this get easier?

Hate

2010-10-19T20:01:00.001-07:00

Bad day/night. I hate my life.

Fat Talk Free Week

2010-10-18T20:44:00.000-07:00

I saw this awesome video over at A Weight Lifted and I really wanted to share it with all of you. Although I would have never expected Tri Delt to promote this (in college, tri delts were all beautiful, blond, and thin), I think its a great idea. To read for about their Fat Talk Free campaign, click here.

My Goal For The Week

2010-10-18T19:43:00.001-07:00

My goal this week is to monitor what I eat- write down what I eat and how I am feeling when I eat it.

I have had a lot of trouble doing this in the past. I start doing it every week with good intentions. Usually, I quit and then blame it on my busy schedule or my forgetfulness, but the real reason is that I an ashamed of what I eat, how much I binge, and how sad I really am. Who wants to monitor that? Talk about depressing!

But, this is the first step in getting better and analyzing my binge patterns.

Wish me luck :) !

Weekend Blues

2010-10-18T19:28:00.001-07:00

This weekend was not a good one. I was sick in bed and missed work today. It made me depressed and sad. I have cried a lot in the past few days and slept at my parents house last night. I feel like I am drowning.

I am really worrying my parents and i feel like they don't know what to do with me anymore or how to react.

I'm reading "overcoming binge eating" by Christopher Fairburn and it's pretty amazing. I am going to start the self help section tomorrow by monitoring my food intake. Hopefully that will be a good first step to get me back into the swing of things. Like every other Tuesday, I have my dietitian before work tomorrow and my therapy group right after work. Long day.

How was your weekend?

My Rant on Residential Treatment- Shades of Hope

2010-10-12T19:50:00.000-07:00

Today has been a roller-coaster of a day. I was happy, sad, stressed, calm, and anxious all in the same day.

I found out that one of the girls in my group also went to Shades of Hope for residential treatment and had the same upsetting results (relapse soon after, aversion to 12 steps, more perfectionistic tendencies, etc...). It was interesting to talk to her because she looks and sounds like she is doing great now, but was not doing so well after she attended treatment three years ago. She said that Shades was ineffective and really just brought her down and taught her that she had to be perfect with her meal plan and with her recovery (obviously not smart thinking for someone with an eating disorder - recovery is about learning to be imperfect). Shades taught me that unless I was perfect, I was not okay. And, that didn't end well with my black or white thinking. My little failures = big relapses. Shades did NOT teach me how to deal with the real world. At treatment, we discussed past life events, but not how those events connected to our lives today. We talked about our feelings but did not try any alternative therapies. At treatment, I did not learn how to eat intuitively (or how to deal with food at all for that matter - we only had ONE nutrition class in the entire 38 days I was there). I also learned many negative messages that really hurt me still: that I am sick, I will always have this disease and am powerless over it, that making mistakes is unacceptable, and that the 12 Steps are the only way to achieve recovery. I left Shades on a "diet." Even though some of the clients called it "Shades of Hell," I did come out of it in a better place... I felt okay for the first day or two when I got home until I quickly realized that I had learned nothing about how my new binge-free life would be or how to deal with my issues. In other words, the aftercare aspect of treatment was nonexistent at Shades.

I know a big part of my relapse is me and my actions, but it was nice to hear that my friend in my group had the same experience and that it wasn't me alone. My old therapist (from home) used to say that it wasn't Shades and that all treatment "wasn't fun." Well, my story was a bit different than just "not being fun."

I have realized a lot of things since I've been back and have had some distance. Did any of you have a similar experience your residential treatment center (or at Shades of Hope specifically?)

Words

2010-10-11T19:29:00.000-07:00

BINGE: Loss of control - disgust - rapid - trance-like - secret - quick - hidden - physical health - low quality of life - "forbidden" foods - calories - fat - size - numb - guilt - weight - alone - shame - relief - hopeless - unhappy - consequences - cycle - diets - obese - shape - embarrassment - social anxiety - food - obsession - extremes - failure - ill - empty - depressed - unattractive - repulsive - huge - mood swings - anger - anxious - tension - perfectionism - food - sweets - soothing - tears.

Sad

2010-10-10T18:29:00.001-07:00

I feel sad. I'm not really sure why or what brought this on. I also feel like I never post anything on this blog when I'm happy so you readers must think I'm a party pooper. The fact that you didn't hear from me for a few days is a good sign in fact.

Anyway. I just wanted to say it and put it out there so maybe i feel better. I'm sad at this very moment. I binged tonight. I am dreading work tomorrow. :( that is all.

Another Day

2010-10-07T20:50:00.001-07:00

Getting dressed for work every morning is disheartening. So, I ordered some clothes online, received then, and nothing fit. Now I feel panicked to loose weight. I am already 25 and have wasted most of my 20s being miserable in my body. I don't have much more time to waste if I want to get married and be a young mom. Crazy thought, I know, but nobody wants to date a fat girl and I am a fat girl who can't find cute clothes or a date. So, I always ruminate that nobody will ever love me because of my weight. And that's probably going to be true if I don't learn to love myself. So, instead of bingeing about how anxious and upset this makes me, I am writing in this blog. I guess that's a little victory because it's been a hard week.

This morning I ate a lot. Basically two breakfasts. One on the way to work and one at work. I was stressed and felt yucky. At lunch I had tree pieces of pizza. Dinner was fine, but i still feel like a huge ass pig. This is not atypical. The breakfast fiasco I mean. I know I am not supposed to diet and to eat intuitively, but I am on the other end of the spectrum sometimes. Sometimes I think I am back to where I was before treatment (except in a lot more debt).

I am dreading the weekend. I hate food on the weekends. It is never good.

Any advice for a size 18+ confused 25 year old?

The Pros and Cons of Bingeing

2010-10-04T20:00:00.000-07:00

DBT Assignment #1- The Pros and Cons of Bingeing

Pros
-Helps me feel better
-Soothes me
-Takes away my worries and anxiety (although only temporarily)

-I like to eat. A lot.
-It feels good to binge and "let go"
-During binges, I can eat what I want

Cons
-Fills me with shame and guilt
-Makes me feel sick and uncomfortably full
-The soothing is only temporary. It lasts a few minutes and then I feel worse than before
-Makes me gain weight
-Waste food and money
-I become sneaky and rushed
-I focus only on the binge and how/where I will do it
-I don't trust myself around food
-I am embarrassed by the way I eat in public.
-Bingeing has SIGNIFICANTLY decreased the quality of my life.

Obviously there are more (and more significant) cons than pros. I am going to read this to my therapist on Thursday and then hang it by my bed to read every day.

Plus Size Halloween

2010-10-02T20:10:00.001-07:00

It sucks. Being overweight on Halloween. It's the absolute worst.

Today I went to a costume warehouse with my skinny friends. It was a miserable experience. There were only 2 or 3 really horrible plus size costumes out of maybe a hundred. I didn't even attempt to try them on. They were horrible. Not a good feeling. I felt quiet and upset.

Nobody wants to be the ugly, chubby girl on Halloween, surrounded by people in sexy, fun costumes!

So, I spent the whole rest of the day in bed and then binged.

Anyone relate?

Charlie's Comment

2010-09-30T20:10:00.000-07:00

Charlie at Diary of a Mad Overeater 2.0 left a great comment on my last post. It made me want to get on the computer right away and respond.

"Well, here I am. So even if it's too late, somehow I felt moved to contact you. I would be happy to put you on my list of people to call, believe me. I really believe in talking on the phone as a tool of recovery. I'm experiencing some awesome recovery right now, and I'd be happy to share some of my experience, strength and hope. (What else do I have to share?)

It's OK that you don't believe in a Higher Power. The reality is that you actually do, you just don't realize it. You acknowledge, I'm sure, that there are things more powerful than you, right? That's the beginning step... Are you or are you not the most powerful being or thing in the Universe? If you're not, then you believe in a Higher Power."

My initial thoughts were that it would feel awkward speaking to a complete stranger on the phone. Then, I thought "maybe Charlie is a nice, jewish, single guy," which was completely overshadowed by "if this stranger were a normal, interesting guy, there would be no chance he would even want to talk to me."

Oiy. Am I crazy or what? Charlie, unfortunately I do not believe in a higher power. I know there is SOMETHING more powerful that me, but that is all I've got. I tried the whole 12 step thing at residential treatment and post treatment, but felt that it was not my thing. I am not religious or spiritual, although I very much connect with my religion culturally. Looking back, the whole thing (the 12 steps, treatment, etc.) felt "fake," like that system of recovery could never work for me. I am trying the intuitive eating thing still and it has been okay. I'm doing fair. But, I am still lacking that social support which the 12 step program offers. I am not ready to go back to OA. I still don't think it actually works. Is that bad do say? I guess this is my own blog so I can be honest.

I am off to read "Dialectical Behavior Therapy for Binge Eating and Bulimia" by Safer, Tech, and Chen. Woooo. :)

Oh yeah. I'm Moving Out

2010-09-27T21:42:00.001-07:00

My lease is up in December. My roommate told me she wants to live alone. I do too but it was still hard to hear. My only other option is to move home with my parents which would obviously be extremely unhealthy. So, I will be living alone. I found an awesome apartment, but I am really scared (see last post). Am I ready? To be alone that much? Do I have another choice?

Quit meetings. Don't believe in a higher power. Binged 3 times in the past 7 days. Doing better in some ways and avoiding my issues in others.

Advice?

Feeling Alone

2010-09-27T21:34:00.001-07:00

This is how I know I have problems: after having a really good day, I had the thought that when I live alone I could die and nobody would find me for days because not one friend called me today. I reached out to so many people and nobody reached out to me first. Yes, people called me back and i saw people today, but i had to make the calls and make the plans. This is not to say I am going to die or anything don't get the wrong idea. That's just the thought that popped into my head. I feel like every single conversation I had today was a fake one. I don't have friends that call me every day. Nobody cares really how my day was.

Comparing

2010-09-20T21:51:00.001-07:00

I can't stop comparing myself to others. Sometimes comparing can be healthy but I am basing my self worth on how I measure up to everyone else. I think everyone is out to get me or leave me out. I often feel like people are doing things to spite me but then find out I was completely wrong and the situation had nothing to do with me. I look at others and always think the grass is greener. I am self centered. Everything is about how situations make me feel.

When will I be ok in my own skin?

On another note, I have been doing pretty well. Bingeing has been a little better and today I signed up for a ten week art class that meets once a week! I have been pushing myself to do more social things. Yay for little steps.

Here We Go Again

2010-09-14T20:00:00.001-07:00

I did well all day but kept thinking about bingeing. I put it in the back of my mind and worked out for the third day in a row. But, my willpower started to wane and I ended up having a bad binge tonight. I knew it was coming and even had my group tonight but didn't talk about it. I don't know what the cause was. That was dumb. I should have talked about it anyway. I think I didn't binge yesterday because I spent the afternoon with my mom. My mother = comfort = binge. It seems like I always need one or the other: my mom or food. I am so sick of this whole damn cycle. It is making me CRAZY. How do people LIVE like this?? It seems like there is nothing in my life except bingeing and food.

HELP!

Back in Action

2010-09-13T19:51:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone. I haven't written in a while. Things have been crazy busy and I have lots of updates.

1. Wedding- The wedding went great. It was a huge milestone for me. I MADE IT THROUGH THE WEEKEND and I actually had a LOT of fun. There were moments when I felt bad about myself and moments that I wanted to run away, but I stuck it out, laughed and danced with my friends, and made it through. VICTORY! My friends told my mom that I was back to my normal self. I got up and gave a funny rehearsal dinner speech and wore my new cute outfits (thanks, Macys.com).

2. IOP/New Psychologist- I stopped doing the IOP but am continuing to see the psychologist who leads it while my previous therapist is on maternity leave. This new one is awesome. I really like her and am hoping that it is something that will help me. She believes in DBT, intuitive eating, and has a ton of ideas that I never tried at residential treatment. I am meeting with the dietitian tomorrow.

3. Bingeing- Today was the first day that I didn't binge in a while. I would tell you about my binges last week, but I am looking forward and not back.

4. 24 Hour- Yesterday, I joined 24 Hour Fitness. I went to a crazy spinning class with my dad yesterday and to a weights class with my mom today. Both were very hard. I was embarrassed because I was out of shape compared to the rest of the people there, but at least I am trying! TWO DAYS OF GYM IN A ROW! That is so unlike me :) I am trying NEW BEHAVIORS! I guess that is progress :)

I also did some other positive things today

I worked half day and straightened my hair/dressed well
I was supposed to meet my mom at Nordstroms, but told her I would go alone because it would be unhealthy for us to go together (yay boundaries)
I worked out!
I am writing in this blog (finally)!
I met with my new therapist and felt good about our meeting.

How have you been, fellow readers?

Not a Happy New Year

2010-09-08T14:37:00.001-07:00

I can't go to synagogue because I don't have any nice, appropriate clothes that fit. I hate my life..

More about the wedding in my next post...

Wedding Jitters

2010-09-02T20:19:00.000-07:00

1. It isn't MY wedding. I am just a bridesmaid

2. It is more than jitters. I am extremely nervous.

Like I said yesterday, things have been hard lately with food. I think I have binged every day for the past 7 days. Thats scary. I haven't been keeping my food plan at all. I just got SICK of it and then got off track and haven't been able to/tried to get back on track.

Also, to update you on the outpatient program, I started it Monday and Wednesday and did not like it. I was one of TWO people in the "group" which made things hard and the other participant was 15. I am not going to continue the program. I will try to figure something else out and maybe do a lot of therapy myself. I do really like the psychologist there though and I am going to start going to her next week because my old therapist is on maternity leave for the next 12 weeks.

So, it has been a crazy week with lots of bad habits and some good ones in there also. Here is to hoping/committing to making good decisions this weekend!

Update

2010-09-01T18:57:00.001-07:00

Sorry I haven't written. Things have been crazy. Back to bingeing every day. Started IOP and don't like it- not sure if I am going to stick with it. Haven't been to an OA meeting in over a week. Getting very nervous about the wedding. More soon! Xoxo

Nothing Like a Thursday Binge :(

2010-08-26T17:36:00.000-07:00

I just binged. God dammit. I was doing so well. In fact, from Monday to Thursday afternoon I did great. I kept my meal plan, kept myself busy, and things were looking up.

Here is what happened this afternoon: I went to the dietitian for the first time for my outpatient program that starts Monday. She made me really anxious. She said that the focus of the program was intuitive eating. That is the opposite of what I learned at treatment. At treatment (which followed the 12 steps), I learned that I will always have this disease and that I will always have to be on a food plan, monitoring my intake. The 12 steps taught me that I can never just be alone with food, leave everything to my discretion, and eat what I "feel" like eating. The dietitian told me that the program was about mindfully eating when hungry and not being so "rigid" with a food plan. That confused me. I learned that I was not to be trusted with food. The dietitian told me I could still follow my exchanges, but the whole thing made me very nervous. She even mentioned adding a snack into the middle of my day. At the treatment center, they told us we weren't allowed to do this. I felt my head and my chest get tight. I felt like screaming, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? AFTER EVERYTHING I HAVE LEARNED, YOU ARE SWITCHING UP THE RULES ON ME?"I know there are different treatment methods, but this just made me feel anxious.

Then, I had to go back to the bridesmaids dress alterations place to pick up my dress.... still looked horrible on me. It made me feel like shit. Again. So, I cancelled the yoga class I was supposed to go to with a friend tonight and binged. I think this is what I ate (more or less): 8 sandwich thins, 10 slices of American cheese, 2 slices of cheddar cheese, 2 whole wheat tortillas, salsa, and about two cups of pasta with tomato sauce. I know, it is a weird combination. That is what happens when you only have "healthy" foods at your apartment. I still consumed a lot of calories and feel like shit now. It hasn't even been a whole week since the last time I binged. UGH. I am so frustrated with myself. I feel like I "ruined it."

This new outpatient program scares me. What if everything they teach me is opposite of what I learned at inpatient?

Today, I also felt like I was dieting. I think that is part of the reason I binged. Everything about my new "habits" is similar to my old dieting life (the foods, the tracking, etc...). I still don't have a sponsor. I am terrified that this weekend will be lonely and hard on me. I know I NEED to go to meetings. I hope I make it there. Tomorrow I am going to get coffee with a girl that I met at OA. Hopefully that will be inspiring.

What do you do after a binge to get back on track (emotionally)? How can I make my meal plan NOT feel like a diet?

The Little Purple Bridesmaid Dress

2010-08-24T14:53:00.000-07:00

I just got back from the alterations place. The bridesmaid dress that I have to wear the weekend after next (labor day) looks HORRIBLE on me. HORRIBLE. The flabby arms with stretch marks, protruding stomach, fat and gross legs, eww....

I am having some major anxiety about wearing a strapless dress in public infront of 350 people. One that makes me look 20 pounds heavier no less. I haven't done anything social (with more than 2 friends) since I got home from treatment almost three weeks ago and now I am going to be forced into social situations ALL weekend. Don't get me wrong, this is for one of my best friends, but I can't help but be completely nervous. I am happy for her (obviously) but horrified for myself and the shame that I will feel...

The last time I saw some of the people that will be at the wedding I weighed 125 pounds. Yesterday, I weighed 197: 10 pounds down from my start of treatment but 70+ pounds heavier than my lowest weigh 3-4 years ago. SEVENTY POUNDS. Truly, I look like a different person.

I have been feeling really good about myself for the past two days, but trying on that dress made me feel physically Ill. How can I be okay and love myself for who I am when I am so overweight?

I wish I could do something to loose another 5-10 pounds in the next week or so, but I doing something like eating less would not last long and probably cause me to binge (from hunger). Remember, I only weighed 125 pounds because I took prescribed diet pills for 2-3 years in college.

Okay. I am going to talk about this in my group tonight and then put it in the back on my head and continue to follow my program. I have to tell myself that I am in the PROCESS of getting better and I am doing the best I can.

Versatile Blogger Award

2010-08-24T13:28:00.000-07:00

While I was away at treatment, I was awarded the Versatile Blogger Award by one of my favorite blogs, Food: My Drug of Choice.

Similar to the Beautiful Blogger Award, I must recommend my favorite bloggers to accept this wonderful award. Usually it is required that the recipient also share seven things about himself/herself, but you can just check out my Beautiful Blogger Award post to read seven things about me.

Anyway, here they are!

Nominated Blogs:

Down in Sunny San Diego

Diary of a Mad Overeater

Food: My Drug of Choice

Weightless

Dressing Up for Work

2010-08-24T13:00:00.000-07:00

Today was my second half-day back at work. I have been feeling a lot better at work (than before I left for treatment) and I think it is because I have been getting dressed for the past two days. I don't mean that I went in naked before... I mean that I have been straightening my hair and dressing cute, really "dressing" myself. And, it has made me feel better (and prettier). I am not sure how long I can keep this up. I don't know how many cute outfits I have left ;)

Anyway, I stopped dressing up for work about a year ago when I started gaining weight and feeling bad about my appearance. I thought that I looked gross, so I stopped wearing my hair down and wore whatever fit. I didn't want to look at myself in the mirror, so I avoided it at all costs.

Maybe, I am improving! The last two days have been good. :)

Tonight I am starting a weekly after-care group for people who just got out of inpatient and outpatient treatments. It is an all-addictions program and it meets for two hours once per week. I think it will be a good thing for me. I have also decided to start an outpatient program on three other weekdays from 4:30-8:00 pm. The 12-week eating disorder outpatient program, like my last one, "comes with" a weekly dietitian and therapy appointment. It should be some good, healthy support for me to transition back to "reality." So, that is something every night Monday - Thursday, and then need to make it to meetings on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. It will be good for me.

Do YOU feel better when you dress up to go to work? What do YOU do after work on weekdays to keep busy?

A Nice Day at the Office

2010-08-23T20:22:00.001-07:00

It felt good to be back. Everyone seemed happy to see me. I felt productive and needed.. That was nice. My new boss was very nice and understanding and told me to take it easy and only do as much as I can.

I worked out after work (got off at 1pm), then went to my therapist, and then to a meeting. I kept my food plan all day (yay) and packed my lunch for tomorrow. It's been a good day.

The "high" of my good morning wore off as the day went on, but I still feel good. I am getting nervous about all of the tasks I have to do at work, because I don't know how to JUST work part time and leave my work at home. I am also nervous about the wedding I am a bridesmaid in over labor day weekend- it will be a lot of social situations and I have a lot of recent social anxiety... Especially about wearing strapless dresses with my fatty, stretched-marked arms. Ah.

I am just going to try to not think about that. It's been a good day and I am going to stay positive! My friends and family love me for who I am not how I look, right? Now I need to love myself, fatty arms and all.

Back to Work

2010-08-22T19:58:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is my first day back. I will be working part time for a couple of weeks to get back into the swing of things. I feel good about going back. I was anxious before but it will be good to have some structure. I made a good lunch, set out my clothes, and I am prepared! Wish me luck!

At This Very Moment, I am Okay.

2010-08-21T13:33:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone.

At this very moment I am doing okay. That is big for me. Yesterday was hard, but I pushed myself to spend some time with my friends. It felt good to not be all alone.

I have binged a lot lately, but right now I am sitting on my bed, writing this blog post, and it feels good to have SOMETHING to do. This blog has helped me a lot in my food addiction/binge eating/compulsive overeating journey. Thanks to you too, fellow bloggers. It has been a great help for me to read about your experiences.

Bad news: I skipped my morning OA meeting today. I woke up late, looked at my clock, and thought, "NO WAY."

Good news: Tonight I am seeing "Eat Pray Love" with a friend. I am excited because I loved the book.

Tomorrow is going to be interesting. I have dinner scheduled with my parents but I am still angry with them for "abandoning" me through this hard time. I know that isn't really want they are doing, but that's the way it feels. I know I sound like a bratty teenager. Grrr.

How are you all today?

Your Favorite ED/Recovery Blogs

2010-08-19T18:54:00.001-07:00

Looks like I need more recovery blogs to fill my lonely times..

What are YOUR favorite blogs to follow? Help me update my RSS feed by commenting on this post! Thanks!

Having Trouble Two Weeks Later

2010-08-19T18:51:00.001-07:00

I have been having a lot of trouble since my last post. I have binged almost every day (peanut butter, carbs, sushi, cheese, smoothies- you name it) and not kept my meal plan at all. I have also been crying and lonely and feeling hopeless.... And I have only been home from treatment two weeks today. Brilliant...

Today I visited a 3/4 house in my city to see if it would work for me. I hated it. The girls had a lot of visible trigger foods around the kitchen.. Ice cream, cereal, breads, etc... It also seems like most all of them are there for alcohol or drugs. It didn't strike me as the most comfortable place.

Tomorrow I am looking into another outpatient program. I hope it's good.

I am thinking about even going back into residential treatment somewhere. I know that would be really hard on me and my job (I would probably lose it) but I don't know what else to do.

So, those are my options. I talked to my HR people and told them I am going back part time starting Monday. I am sure they would not be thrilled if i called and changed my mind.

I am having trouble turning to people for support other than my parents and my parents are trying to keep good boundaries and not answer my calls or texts if they know I am sad. I don't feel comfortable enough to call random O A people in hysterics. I think I talked about this yesterday. So, basically I feel alone all the time. I have like three friends left in my city and they don't want to hear me bitch and moan all the time. So, hence my sadness. This has caused me the most grief, not the food.

I haven't gone to a meeting since Tuesday. Why go to meetings if you are driving through McDonalds and eating like shit? I know the answer to that but I am just having issues with the 12 steps and OA right now. Maybe I am just not ready to recover. I don't know.

Sorry for all of the rambling and complaining. I hope this whole blog doesn't seem that way. On second thought, I don't really care. I am doing this for ME, myself and I! This is MY journal, my blog, my place to vent!!

C.R.A.Z.Y.

2010-08-17T21:35:00.000-07:00

My day has been completely up and down.

Right now I feel very panicked. I just tried to update my resume and look for potential new jobs and it completely freaked me out. Now, my heart if beating fast and I feel jittery and uncomfortable. How can I look for a new job? My life feels so out of control.

A few hours ago I went to an OA meeting and then felt great. I went to the grocery store and got food for my meal plan, called an old friend from my last outpatient program (before treatment), and was okay.

Earlier in the day, I was bingeing and crying to my mom.

I am ALL OVER THE PLACE. I feel CRAZY. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I just have so many feelings. My therapist says it is because I am feeling everything that all of the pre-treatment bingeing was covering up. My mini-binge today was NOTHING like my binges used to be. I am still not happy about the fact that I have not worked out since Friday or fully followed my meal plan in two days.

I don’t like this. I want to feel cool, calm, and collected. I am tired of feeling lonely, confused, and alone.

I am not at all following the 12 steps. I admit that I am trying to control my life. I can’t let go. I don’t know why. At treatment I could go with the flow and be “powerless.” Here, in real life, that isn’t so easy. They never told us how to deal with this shit.

Last night I did not go to sleep until 4:30 a.m. I am sleeping horribly. I woke up at noon and that is okay because I am still not back at work. Monday, when I have to wake up at 7 a.m. for my first day back in 8 weeks, I am really going to have a wake up call (pun intended)... Especially because I am DREADING going back to work - the stress, the people, the “scene of the crime.” My job/office is where I became so depressed/sick - how can I go back there and be okay with it? I know I need to go back to work because I need to add some structure to my days and because I can’t lose my job - I am in some serious debt from treatment.

Truthfully, I don’t feel like I am ready to go back to work. I am not okay right now. I almost feel just as high/low as I did before I left. Well, maybe not THAT bad, but each day is a struggle.

I truly feel like I am going insane.

PS- Thanks everyone for your comments on all of my posts. They make me smile :) Also, I got a google alert that I have been listed on a website listing the 50 Best Blogs for Beating Food Addiction. Cool! I haven't checked out the others yet, but I def. will once I finish catching up on all of the posts from when I was gone.

The Binge

2010-08-16T12:22:00.001-07:00

I just binged.
I have been horribly lonely and upset. I called my therapist, both of my parents, and a friend and nobody answered because they were all working. I got really frustrated and angry and sad, sobbing uncontrollably. Now I feel horrible.

I can't live like this anymore. AHHH!!!!

Lonely- part 2

2010-08-15T20:00:00.001-07:00

Saw this at The Pretty Pear and thought it was awesome. Perfect timing.

Lonely

2010-08-15T19:10:00.001-07:00

It has been hard transitioning home... The food has been hard, I haven't been to a meeting every day like I am supposed to, but the worst thing about being home is the loneliness.

I know if I call OA contacts or reach out to people, I will feel better. But, in the moments when I feel gut-renchingly lonely, I am too upset to speak to anyone or do anything except cry. It also usually happens late at night when I don't want to disturb anyone.

I am having a lot of trouble not relying on my parents through all of this. I am 25 but I still feel like I am 15... When I am upset I just want my mom. I spoke to my therapist about this last week and she basically told me that at treatment I detoxed off of food, but now I have to learn how to not be codependent with my parents and that is the hardest part. She said this would be harder than the food stuff. Actually throughout all of this, I have been thinking that my life sucks because I cannot have my family OR food to soothe me. I was okay at treatment because I was never ever alone. At treatment, they did not teach me to be ok by myself.

I feel so conflicted. When I feel good, I feel really good. But, when I feel bad I really really feel low. I have had one bingey episode with peanut butter since I have been home but have otherwise kept the meal plan. I have been okay about working out but haven't done it every day. I have gone to about 5 meetings in the 10 or so days I've been home. I still don't have a temporary sponsor. Sometimes I think I should go back to treatment. Could I already be relapsing this early?

For the past two nights I took Tylenol PM because I was so upset that all I could do was sleep. On Saturday I napped all day because I didn't want to spend another day alone. I have truly been struggling. How much struggling is normal though?

I'm Baaacckkkkkk (from Treatment)!

2010-08-13T21:20:00.000-07:00

I am finally back from treatment. I learned A LOT and I have no idea how to sum it up into words.

I spent 38 days at Shades of Hope in Buffalo Gap, Texas in Inpatient Residential Treatment.

At the beginning, I wrote letters complaining about ALL of the rules. I told my friends and family that I felt like I was in a prison. I complained about the staff, the facility, and the programming. I didn't like missing my life at home. BUT, I knew that treatment was the best place for me to be. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. It was uncomfortable... but it was also an eye-opening and life changing experience.

I met awesome people who I will never forget. I learned that I am not alone - and that I cannot make it through each day without the support and fellowship of the recovery community. I learned to feel my feelings and, best of all, to do that without turning to food or my parents. I have changed since I left 6 weeks ago.

I have been home exactly 8 days, and it has NOT been easy. I went from being with friends and supporters 24/7 to being alone most of the time. I have felt lonely and confused. They told me that transitioning home would be harder than being at treatment, and boy were they right. Some days, I wish I was back there in a "safe" environment. I am glad to be home though and have missed all of you fellow bloggers dearly. In the 6 weeks that I was away, you were all busy typing away, and I have over 300 posts to catch up on!!

I am going to attempt to blog daily, so keep reading to hear more about my experience at treatment.

Inpatient TOMORROW!

2010-06-27T17:51:00.001-07:00

Well, I leave tomorrow. I can't believe it. I am excited but really nervous and anxious. I don't know what to expect, but the fact that I won't have Internet, tv, phones, books, or access to my parents scares me. I know thats what I need though: an environment without those distractions so that I can get better.

Thank you, readers, for sticking with me in my journey so far. I hope to be back in 6 to 8 weeks in a much better mood and outlook on life. Peace.

Beautiful Blogger Award

2010-06-23T23:26:00.000-07:00

I am so excited. I just received my first blog award from Rita over at The Giggly Bits! Thank you!

The rules of the award are as follows:

1. I must tell you 7 things about myself that you do not already know.

2. I get to pass on this awesome award to 7 beautiful bloggers that I follow regularly.

So, without further ado, here it goes...

Things you don't know about me:

1. I graduated Magna Cum Laude from college with 3.9 GPA. It is the accomplishment that I am most proud of.

2. I have a horrible sense of direction. I would classify it as a disability.

3. I loved dogs, especially puppies. I have a distinct voice that I use when speaking to dogs.

4. I only have two wisdom teeth and still haven't had them pulled (and I'm 25)!

5. I love to read and love bookstores, the smell of books, journals, pretty pens, etc...

6. People tell me my best feature is my hair

7. I live in the city where I grew up

Some Beautiful bloggers that I HIGHLY recommend you follow:

1. Voice in Recovery

2. Medicinal Marzipan

3. Diary of a Mad Overeater

4. Project Bare

5. No Longer Weighting

6. Food: My Drug of Choice

7. Weightless

Congrats, everyone!

Inpatient, here I come!

2010-06-23T22:58:00.001-07:00

I am going! I can't believe it. I am excited and scarred and anxious and nervous all at the same time. I have no idea what to think.

So, insurance won't cover one penny of the program because I am over 18!!! RIDICULOUS!!!!

I told HR today that I need to take short term disability. They were extremely understanding and nice- thank god!

So.. More info to come soon! I am too exhausted to write more now.

Advice???

Ankle Update

2010-06-21T20:43:00.001-07:00

No longer swollen. I guess I don't have diabetes.

That's what this eating disorder does. Convinces you that you are sick, ugly and not worth it.

Fuck you, eating disorder!!

Update - Inpatient Decision

2010-06-21T20:38:00.001-07:00

• Saturday night turned out to be pretty horrible.. I have slept at my parents house ever since (breaking my month long streak of sleeping at my apartment)
• I had some pretty dark thoughts Saturday night. It scared me. No need to rehash that.
• My parents and I decided that it is time for me to go to an inpatient place. I just can't do this anymore on my own and it is my only option. I am looking into Shades of Hope near Abilene, Texas. Anyone heard of it? I haven't told my friends or coworkers yet because I haven't heard about how much insurance will cover. So... Everything is up in the air.
• I really think THIS could be the answer.. I am praying it is. I am willing to do anything to get better.

More details soon.

Wallowing

2010-06-19T16:56:00.001-07:00

I have been in bed since last night at this time. Last night i got into an argument with my dad about recovery. He basically said "just do it." As if it were that easy.. So, I stormed out of dinner, binged, took two Advil PM and have been in bed ever since.. I didn't go to meetings today or my haircut. I also was supposed to go to dinner tonight with my friends but cancelled. I am depressed and really just want to wallow in my sadness for a while.. Is that so bad?

I am tired of trying/ having good intentions. It was nice to have this day to sleep and be antisocial.

And I know I am going to binge tonight... But I don't really care! It's so exausting feeling guilty so much.

Diabetes

2010-06-18T20:35:00.001-07:00

How do you know if you have it?

My feet and ankles have been swollen since last night and my hands and feet feel tingly.

I have gained a tremendous amount of weight very fast and eat horribly. What if I am making myself really sick?

On a seperate note, I didn't go to the surgery info session. Now that I have swollen balloon feet, maybe I should have!

Another BIG binge tonight. I basically had two very large dinners after getting into an argument with my dad. More on that later.

My Story, My Shortcut

2010-06-15T20:57:00.000-07:00

After my last post "Binge = Surgery?" Food Addict suggested that I watch the first episode of "Losing it with Jilian"on NBC. I watched it right after I got the suggestion and really, really related to the girl who had lap band surgery, but was still struggling with her body issues and self worth.

To really understand why I related to her so much, you have to know about my "shortcut"...

About 5 years ago, I was overweight. I was miserable (or so I thought). One of my doctors gave me a weight loss drug called Phentermine and Prozac. The two drugs together have a history of weight loss... Doctor's call this combination Phen-Pro.

"Phen-Pro" is the combination of phentermine and a low dose of one of the following: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, trazadone or Effexor. The second medicine is necessary because phentermine used alone stops working after a few weeks. The second medicine makes phentermine work longer and better. Although the second medicine is also an antidepressant, its use in the phen-pro combination has nothing to do with depression.

The two drugs made me feel physically full, like I couldn't put anything into my mouth. I took the drug for about 3 years. Anyway, in the end, I lost 40+ pounds.

Life was amazing. I was 125 pounds. I was popular. Guys liked me. I wasn't the fat girl anymore. Just like the girl in the TV show though, I still thought I was fat and had bad body image issues even though I was thin. Still, life was better.

That lasted about two years.

Then, the weight started to creep back into my life as the drug wore off. I felt like God was punishing me. And, here I am today almost 100 pounds heavier than my lowest weight. This all happened within the last 3 years. It has been severely traumatic.

That quick fix weight loss solution obviously didn't stop the bingeing or the root of the problem, and I am worse off today than where I was in the beginning. This is why I was looking into the weight loss surgery... I know its bad, but this weekend I felt like I needed another quick fix. I don't know if I am strong enough to do this on my own... The last time I did this, it was a miracle. I took some pills and then became thin.

So, now you know the secret story that only my parents know. The one that messed with my mind and my life. I don't know if I will ever get over this.

Response to Comments

2010-06-15T19:32:00.000-07:00

In response to "Another sick day," Recovering Anorexic left me the following comment:

If you feel like you cannot stop binging on your own, I would go into inpatient. However, are you even trying to reach out for some support before the binge takes place? Are you trying anything before you get into relapse mode? Recognizing when you want to/are going to binge is a good indicator to do something else in order to protect your recovery. I don't feel like the outpatient program will help you if you keep binging; food may not make us high or drunk, but it will keep us in that fog and it will keep us from working on the program.

My response: I think you are right. Nothing is going to help me if I can't stop bingeing to see the feelings/reasons underneath. Today, my ED program counselor Amy described it like this: How can a cocaine addict get to the bottom of his/her addiction if he/she is still using? Currently, I am bingeing every single day. Last week, I gave up trying to be good. I got frustrated. I haven't tried to do much else when I want to binge because it is SO powerful. I have tried to do things like take a bath, do my nails and journal, but those things aren't working. When I am in that moment, about to binge, I feel like bingeing is the ONLY thing that will make me feel better... and so I binge.

I don't know if I am trying hard enough. Part of me doesn't want to try. I feel hopeless.

In my response to "Binge = Surgery?" Recovering Anorexic also left me the following comment:

If you do get the surgery and become thin -- will everything else magically get better? Something to think about.

Also, I watched a "True Life" episode on MTV about someone who had compulsive overeating as his eating disorder. He got the same surgery in order to become thin. Well...once he became thin he thought he could handle life without the band in (and without binging). Once he got it off he was straight back onto the food and binged his little heart out. Instead of seeking treatment for the reasons behind the ED, he decided to get the lapband in again instead (the easy way out). And he was still just as miserable.

Good luck with whatever path you choose -- I hope you hear what you need to hear on Thursday.

My response: This comment seemed harsh, but I know everything you are saying is true. I know a "quick fix" isn't the answer. I have been thinking about it all day and know this surgery isn't what I need. I might still go to the info session just to hear about it.. not sure. I am going to talk to my therapist about it first.

I know that I am going to have to do some hard work to get out of this eating disorder. I keep looking for shortcuts, but I know that isn't the answer. I've been there before. I've tried shortcuts, and here I am again.

The question is HOW can I stop bingeing so that I can start recovering?

Binge = Surgery?

2010-06-14T20:22:00.001-07:00

After I wrote my last post, I went to the grocery store and had another major binge. It was my only way to relax. I am exausted and stressed out about work and my life. Today I talked to the dietition about worrying too much about what others think of me. It's a big issue in my life.

Anyway, I decided that Thursday I am going to an info session about lapband surgery. I figured it couldn't hurt to hear about it. I know it's probably not the best idea because of my bingeing, but I also know that I won't be happy unless I an thin. Maybe the surgery can stop the bingeing because it'll make me sick if I binge. Anyway, it's just an info session. I'm not making any decisions.

When I told me parents that I wanted to go to the info session, they seemed a little too excited about it. Maybe excited isn't the right word- I'll say overly supportive. Part of me wanted them to say "you don't need the surgery and we love you as you are." They didn't blatently say that they want me to lose weight, but that's the message I got.

They are right though. Living this way sucks and I don't want to do this anymore. Maybe the surgery is like a ray of hope?

I want to be thin so much, but all I do is eat because I'm upset. Carbscarbscarbs. Just can't get enough.

Any thoughts?

Gratitude Post #2

2010-06-14T17:30:00.001-07:00

Today, I am grateful for...
-My grandma who is 86 and still rockin it like she's 36!
-My big, comfy bed
-My new vanilla candle
-My new highlights (in my hair)
-Quiet
-My love of reading..i just started "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett
-Comments on my blog (leave one!)

In hell

2010-06-11T20:30:00.001-07:00

Today I saw a video of myself at work on a video conference call. It made me feel sick. I have become so fat and horribly ugly. I don't even recognize myself.

Now, I pretty much avoid all mirrors and get dressed quickly so I don't have to look at myself everyday, but the video today really made me realize how gross I am.

I hate myself right now. I am in hell.

Becoming "Whole"

2010-06-10T20:46:00.000-07:00

My therapist sent me the following email after our last session...

I had some thoughts after our meeting I wanted to share with you. I thought about how hard this last week has been for you and I think it might be helpful to remember that it's all happening in a context of doing some hard work on creating a different way of relating to your mom. This is very important and very unsettling work for you, as it means a big shift inside you....a shift toward thinking of yourself in a different way...as a person with important feelings and thoughts that need to be heard more, and understood. It's also a shift in thinking about you and your mom as more distinct, not less close, but close in a different way. I think your anxiety (and bingeing to help manage the anxiety) is about these shifts.

Here is my take on it..

I am not sure that this is so much about my mom. I agree that I am learning to be my own person and have thoughts and feelings that are not related to hers. That is definitely true and very helpful in my struggle with this disorder.

I think a lot of this has to do with feeling accepted with everyone (guys, friends, coworkers, etc...). It has a lot to do with fitting in and not feeling like I am confident enough to be myself right now. This relates to my mom a little, but I don’t want to fully “blame” her for all of this. That makes me feel guilty. I love my mom more than anything.

So, I am struggling with the part of me that wants to break away and be my own person (knowing that she always wanted me to be more like her) and the part of me that just wants to be a little girl and crawl back into her arms. I guess this does have a lot to do with her after all. Is that bad?

I went to dinner with my mom tonight because my dad is out of town. I hadn’t seen her in over a week, longer than we usually go without seeing each other (even though we talk multiple times a day). It was really good to see her and I felt “whole” for the first time in a long time, which I know is very unhealthy. I need to work on feeling like that when I am by myself, completely alone. I need/want to become a confident, “whole” person on my own... someone who doesn’t have to depend on anyone else to feel better.

How did we get to be this way? My mom is my best friend, and although I know I need to grow up, I really don’t want to let her go :(

I am a giant hot dog

2010-06-09T19:23:00.001-07:00

Tonight I skipped the EDA meeting and binged on James Coney Island . I had 4 chili cheese dogs and three chili cheese fries. I feel disgusting. Like a beached whale. Or like a giant hot dog.

After meeting with the program leader Amy today and my psychiatrist, I still did it. I was feeling left out with my friends and so I got mad and binged. I made it all up in my head too. They weren't really leaving me out.

This has been a hard week for me. I think the "newness" and excitement of the eating disorder program is fading. Now I am just stuck with my disease and my fat.

I need to be going to meetings every single day (like the 90 meetings in 90 days that people do after hospitalization), but i keep bailing. I find every exuse in the book: they are at bad times in bad locations, I am tired, I am scared, I have too much work, I will get lost, etc etc etc.

Yuck. That is what I feel write now.

Gratitude Post #1

2010-06-08T19:45:00.000-07:00

I am going to start posting things I am thankful for in attempt to call attention to all of the good things in my life. Here goes day #1.

Today, I am thankful for:

1. My family who supports me
2. My apartment - a place where I can relax
3. My eating disorder program - it has helped me in many ways
4. My iphone. I love it.
5. My awesome mac computer, which I am using right now to write this post

That is all I could think of for now... and most of them are material things. Hopefully, as I do this more often, I will get better at being thankful for the important things in my life.

Plus sizes, where are you?

2010-06-08T19:28:00.000-07:00

Dear fabulous readers,

I need your help.

Instead of feeling horrible every morning because I have no summer clothes, I need to go and purchase some. WHERE IS THE BEST PLACE TO BUY PLUS SIZE FASHIONABLE CLOTHES? I am not talking about any of that matronly, ugly stuff... I need cute, feminine, young, fun stuff to wear to work and on the weekend. HELP!

Waiting for your comments,
Me

Another sick day

2010-06-07T21:10:00.001-07:00

Soon, they are going to fire me. Today I took another sick day.

I went to the dietition at 8am in a horrible mood. I left the house in a sweater in almost 100 degrees. I felt miserable. Through the whole appointment I was thinking about what I could binge on after.

So, I left the appointment, emailed the CEO and said I was sick (still no replacement for my boss) and went to kroger. I bought chocolate chip cookies, chips and queso, a lunchables pizza kit, reeses pb cups, and gold fish. Then, I went home and ate as much a I could and then fell asleep. I woke up and did the same thing again and then again. For dinner I ordered enough Chinese food for two people and ate every bite. I think today was my biggest binge(s) ever.

I feel horrible. My stomach feels huge and I have a lump in my throat. I feel tearful and anxious right now. I hate everything about myself. Why did I do this?

How am I going to go to work tomorrow? I wish I could take more time off but I have already taken over 10 sick days this year..

I don't want to live like this anymore. How do you know when you are ready for a residential program?

I'm drowning.

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over...

2010-06-06T18:38:00.000-07:00

My parents sent me a card in the mail (even though they live in the same city as I do), and I thought I should share it with you.

The front of the card has the following quote on it: "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly." -proverb

The note is as follows:

Dear _______,

I know how hard you are trying and all the effort and commitment you are putting into your recovery. I know you will be okay and get into a better place.

We love you and we are always here for you and will support you in any way we can.

I know somethimes things seem dark, but it will get bright again. Hang in there and keep your chin up! You are so beautiful and wonderful inside and out and we are so proud of the woman you are.

Our love always,

Mom and Dad

The note made me cry. How can everyone (but me) see the light at the end of the tunnel?

My weekend was fair. My mom was out of town, so I spent some time with my dad. We went to a movie last night and then went to a museum today. It was good to spend some quality time with him doing the things that we like to do that my mom does not always enjoy. My dad is quieter than my mom in some ways though, and although he did ask me about the program, I did not tell him anything. I felt uncomfortable... I am not sure why. Maybe because I know he doesn't understand this.

I guess, here we go. On to another week...

Failed Attempt

2010-06-04T19:43:00.001-07:00

Tonight I binged. I ordered three separate meals from an Italian restaurant and extra breadsticks. I ate all three meals and then was surprise that I didn't feel as full as I usually do when I binge. It seems I am getting fatter and fatter and it takes more and more for me to feel that stuffed feeling.

After the binge, I sat there feeling horrible for an hour. After that, I went into my bathroom and tried to purge but nothing would come out. I am not good at making myself throw up. So, I quit. Who cares. I am fat and ugly anyway... The food might as well stay.

Now, I feel defeated because I couldn't do it but I figured maybe the food already digested?

Don't get my wrong, I am not a purger normally but I thought it would make me feel better. Now, after my failed attempt, I am exausted and kinda mad at my body. What did I do wrong?

Well, so much for going to a recovery meeting tonigtht... I feel like I'm in for another bad weekend...

Goodnight, all.

No one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in

2010-06-03T20:49:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to my first Eating Disorders Anonymous (EDA) meeting. Only three other people were there - I felt very uncomfortable and I am not sure if it is a meeting I want to go to again in the future. I did not relate to the other three people as well as I do with the people in my therapy group. It was disappointing.

The EDA website notes that “you will see anywhere from 2 - 20 people at the meeting. An average meeting has about 8. You will be warmly welcomed. We check the shame and guilt at the door when we walk in. You may feel instantly bonded with the other people because we all share the same common problems and disease.”

I did not feel welcome or bonded with the other three girls there. When I said I was a binge/compulsive eater, I felt like the other girls looked at me like I did not have a “real” eating disorder. Like, unless I had anorexia or bulimia, I did not “get it.” TRUST ME, I GET IT! I find this to be the case a lot. I am not sure whether this insecurity is in my head or real. Can you relate?

Still, I am very proud of myself that I WENT to a meeting. It look a lot for me to get there. I have been blowing off going to meetings for weeks. So, yay! That is a big step for me! I am trying to remember that and also, to take it one day at a time... (for a great post on living day by day, check out "My June Mantra: Live Today & Stop Tackling Myself" from a blog called Voice in Recovery.

Today, I went to group again and then came home and ate A LOT of chinese food. I felt extremely full. The program is overall helping me to feel better, but I can’t seem to get the eating part under control. grrr. Thats frustrating. I am not sure I am trying hard enough... Something for me to ponder.

On another note, I heard one of my favorite songs today on the radio and I thought I would share some of the inspiring lyrics with you. This is the way I want/need to think about my future. It is important for me to realize that this eating disorder has NOT ruined my life.

"Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Last Week's Inspiring Posts

2010-05-31T21:40:00.000-07:00

It sounds like Charlie over at Diary of a Mad Overeater 2.0 is doing the same work as I am on Step One. I can totally relate to his very awesome, inspiring post "Step One Question One."

Check out a post called "Independence" from the blog Does Every Woman Have an Eating Disorder. I thought this was interesting - something I had never though about before:

"I went to an eating disorders/body image lecture a couple of weeks ago and the presenters noted that with each advancement in the women's movement, there has been an consequent increase in eating disorders."

I love this little poem that Miss Molly from The Happy Loser reminded me of.

I thought it was so funny that I came across a posting from Make Friends with Food called "Hate to Eat Alone? Or Love it?" because I just had a discussion about this in my group therapy session last week. I was telling everyone that I admire people who eat alone in restaurants. I have a weird stigma about eating alone and often avoid doing this in public, but then have horrible bingeing habits when eating alone in private. Let me know if you can relate!

Accepting that my recovery wont be "perfect" is also one of my biggest problems. Check out "Abandoning the Perfect Recovery" from ED Bites.

Happy reading!