Charlie's Comment

Charlie at Diary of a Mad Overeater 2.0 left a great comment on my last post. It made me want to get on the computer right away and respond.

"Well, here I am. So even if it's too late, somehow I felt moved to contact you. I would be happy to put you on my list of people to call, believe me. I really believe in talking on the phone as a tool of recovery. I'm experiencing some awesome recovery right now, and I'd be happy to share some of my experience, strength and hope. (What else do I have to share?)  

It's OK that you don't believe in a Higher Power. The reality is that you actually do, you just don't realize it. You acknowledge, I'm sure, that there are things more powerful than you, right? That's the beginning step... Are you or are you not the most powerful being or thing in the Universe? If you're not, then you believe in a Higher Power."

My initial thoughts were that it would feel awkward speaking to a complete stranger on the phone. Then, I thought "maybe Charlie is a nice, jewish, single guy," which was completely overshadowed by "if this stranger were a normal, interesting guy, there would be no chance he would even want to talk to me."


Oiy. Am I crazy or what? Charlie, unfortunately I do not believe in a higher power. I know there is SOMETHING more powerful that me, but that is all I've got. I tried the whole 12 step thing at residential treatment and post treatment, but felt that it was not my thing. I am not religious or spiritual, although I very much connect with my religion culturally. Looking back, the whole thing (the 12 steps, treatment, etc.) felt "fake," like that system of recovery could never work for me. I am trying the intuitive eating thing still and it has been okay. I'm doing fair. But, I am still lacking that social support which the 12 step program offers. I am not ready to go back to OA. I still don't think it actually works. Is that bad do say? I guess this is my own blog so I can be honest.


I am off to read "Dialectical Behavior Therapy for Binge Eating and Bulimia" by Safer, Tech, and Chen. Woooo. :)

Oh yeah. I'm Moving Out

My lease is up in December. My roommate told me she wants to live alone. I do too but it was still hard to hear. My only other option is to move home with my parents which would obviously be extremely unhealthy. So, I will be living alone. I found an awesome apartment, but I am really scared (see last post). Am I ready? To be alone that much? Do I have another choice?

Quit meetings. Don't believe in a higher power. Binged 3 times in the past 7 days. Doing better in some ways and avoiding my issues in others.

Advice?

Feeling Alone

This is how I know I have problems: after having a really good day, I had the thought that when I live alone I could die and nobody would find me for days because not one friend called me today. I reached out to so many people and nobody reached out to me first. Yes, people called me back and i saw people today, but i had to make the calls and make the plans. This is not to say I am going to die or anything don't get the wrong idea. That's just the thought that popped into my head. I feel like every single conversation I had today was a fake one. I don't have friends that call me every day. Nobody cares really how my day was.

Comparing

I can't stop comparing myself to others. Sometimes comparing can be healthy but I am basing my self worth on how I measure up to everyone else. I think everyone is out to get me or leave me out. I often feel like people are doing things to spite me but then find out I was completely wrong and the situation had nothing to do with me. I look at others and always think the grass is greener. I am self centered. Everything is about how situations make me feel.

When will I be ok in my own skin?

On another note, I have been doing pretty well. Bingeing has been a little better and today I signed up for a ten week art class that meets once a week! I have been pushing myself to do more social things. Yay for little steps.

Here We Go Again

I did well all day but kept thinking about bingeing. I put it in the back of my mind and worked out for the third day in a row. But, my willpower started to wane and I ended up having a bad binge tonight. I knew it was coming and even had my group tonight but didn't talk about it. I don't know what the cause was. That was dumb. I should have talked about it anyway. I think I didn't binge yesterday because I spent the afternoon with my mom. My mother = comfort = binge. It seems like I always need one or the other: my mom or food. I am so sick of this whole damn cycle. It is making me CRAZY. How do people LIVE like this?? It seems like there is nothing in my life except bingeing and food.

HELP!

Back in Action

Hi everyone. I haven't written in a while. Things have been crazy busy and I have lots of updates.

1. Wedding- The wedding went great. It was a huge milestone for me. I MADE IT THROUGH THE WEEKEND and I actually had a LOT of fun. There were moments when I felt bad about myself and moments that I wanted to run away, but I stuck it out, laughed and danced with my friends, and made it through. VICTORY! My friends told my mom that I was back to my normal self. I got up and gave a funny rehearsal dinner speech and wore my new cute outfits (thanks, Macys.com).

2. IOP/New Psychologist- I stopped doing the IOP but am continuing to see the psychologist who leads it while my previous therapist is on maternity leave. This new one is awesome. I really like her and am hoping that it is something that will help me. She believes in DBT, intuitive eating, and has a ton of ideas that I never tried at residential treatment. I am meeting with the dietitian tomorrow.

3. Bingeing- Today was the first day that I didn't binge in a while. I would tell you about my binges last week, but I am looking forward and not back.

4. 24 Hour- Yesterday, I joined 24 Hour Fitness. I went to a crazy spinning class with my dad yesterday and to a weights class with my mom today. Both were very hard. I was embarrassed because I was out of shape compared to the rest of the people there, but at least I am trying! TWO DAYS OF GYM IN A ROW! That is so unlike me :) I am trying NEW BEHAVIORS! I guess that is progress :)

 

I also did some other positive things today

• I worked half day and straightened my hair/dressed well
• I was supposed to meet my mom at Nordstroms, but told her I would go alone because it would be unhealthy for us to go together (yay boundaries)
• I worked out!
• I am writing in this blog (finally)!
• I met with my new therapist and felt good about our meeting.

How have you been, fellow readers?

Not a Happy New Year

I can't go to synagogue because I don't have any nice, appropriate clothes that fit. I hate my life..



More about the wedding in my next post...

Wedding Jitters

1. It isn't MY wedding. I am just a bridesmaid

2. It is more than jitters. I am extremely nervous. 

Like I said yesterday, things have been hard lately with food. I think I have binged every day for the past 7 days. Thats scary. I haven't been keeping my food plan at all. I just got SICK of it and then got off track and haven't been able to/tried to get back on track.

Also, to update you on the outpatient program, I started it Monday and Wednesday and did not like it. I was one of TWO people in the "group" which made things hard and the other participant was 15. I am not going to continue the program. I will try to figure something else out and maybe do a lot of therapy myself. I do really like the psychologist there though and I am going to start going to her next week because my old therapist is on maternity leave for the next 12 weeks. 

So, it has been a crazy week with lots of bad habits and some good ones in there also. Here is to hoping/committing to making good decisions this weekend!

Update

Sorry I haven't written. Things have been crazy. Back to bingeing every day. Started IOP and don't like it- not sure if I am going to stick with it. Haven't been to an OA meeting in over a week. Getting very nervous about the wedding. More soon! Xoxo

Nothing Like a Thursday Binge :(

I just binged. God dammit. I was doing so well. In fact, from Monday to Thursday afternoon I did great. I kept my meal plan, kept myself busy, and things were looking up.

Here is what happened this afternoon: I went to the dietitian for the first time for my outpatient program that starts Monday. She made me really anxious. She said that the focus of the program was intuitive eating. That is the opposite of what I learned at treatment. At treatment (which followed the 12 steps), I learned that I will always have this disease and that I will always have to be on a food plan, monitoring my intake. The 12 steps taught me that I can never just be alone with food, leave everything to my discretion, and eat what I "feel" like eating. The dietitian told me that the program was about mindfully eating when hungry and not being so "rigid" with a food plan. That confused me. I learned that I was not to be trusted with food. The dietitian told me I could still follow my exchanges, but the whole thing made me very nervous. She even mentioned adding a snack into the middle of my day. At the treatment center, they told us we weren't allowed to do this. I felt my head and my chest get tight. I felt like screaming, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? AFTER EVERYTHING I HAVE LEARNED, YOU ARE SWITCHING UP THE RULES ON ME?"I know there are different treatment methods, but this just made me feel anxious.

Then, I had to go back to the bridesmaids dress alterations place to pick up my dress.... still looked horrible on me. It made me feel like shit. Again. So, I cancelled the yoga class I was supposed to go to with a friend tonight and binged. I think this is what I ate (more or less): 8 sandwich thins, 10 slices of American cheese, 2 slices of cheddar cheese, 2 whole wheat tortillas, salsa, and about two cups of pasta with tomato sauce. I know, it is a weird combination. That is what happens when you only have "healthy" foods at your apartment. I still consumed a lot of calories and feel like shit now. It hasn't even been a whole week since the last time I binged. UGH. I am so frustrated with myself. I feel like I "ruined it."

This new outpatient program scares me. What if everything they teach me is opposite of what I learned at inpatient?

Today, I also felt like I was dieting. I think that is part of the reason I binged. Everything about my new "habits" is similar to my old dieting life (the foods, the tracking, etc...). I still don't have a sponsor. I am terrified that this weekend will be lonely and hard on me. I know I NEED to go to meetings. I hope I make it there. Tomorrow I am going to get coffee with a girl that I met at OA. Hopefully that will be inspiring.

What do you do after a binge to get back on track (emotionally)? How can I make my meal plan NOT feel like a diet? 

The Little Purple Bridesmaid Dress

I just got back from the alterations place. The bridesmaid dress that I have to wear the weekend after next (labor day) looks HORRIBLE on me. HORRIBLE. The flabby arms with stretch marks, protruding stomach, fat and gross legs, eww....


I am having some major anxiety about wearing a strapless dress in public infront of 350 people. One that makes me look 20 pounds heavier no less. I haven't done anything social (with more than 2 friends) since I got home from treatment almost three weeks ago and now I am going to be forced into social situations ALL weekend. Don't get me wrong, this is for one of my best friends, but I can't help but be completely nervous. I am happy for her (obviously) but horrified for myself and the shame that I will feel...


The last time I saw some of the people that will be at the wedding I weighed 125 pounds. Yesterday, I weighed 197: 10 pounds down from my start of treatment but 70+ pounds heavier than my lowest weigh 3-4 years ago. SEVENTY POUNDS. Truly, I look like a different person.


I have been feeling really good about myself for the past two days, but trying on that dress made me feel physically Ill. How can I be okay and love myself for who I am when I am so overweight?


I wish I could do something to loose another 5-10 pounds in the next week or so, but I doing something like eating less would not last long and probably cause me to binge (from hunger). Remember, I only weighed 125 pounds because I took prescribed diet pills for 2-3 years in college.


Okay. I am going to talk about this in my group tonight and then put it in the back on my head and continue to follow my program. I have to tell myself that I am in the PROCESS of getting better and I am doing the best I can.

Versatile Blogger Award

While I was away at treatment, I was awarded the Versatile Blogger Award by one of my favorite blogs, Food: My Drug of Choice.

Similar to the Beautiful Blogger Award, I must recommend my favorite bloggers  to accept this wonderful award. Usually it is required that the recipient also share seven things about himself/herself, but you can just check out my Beautiful Blogger Award post to read seven things about me.

Anyway, here they are!

Nominated Blogs:

Down in Sunny San Diego

Recovery Discovery

Your Wishcake

Voice in Recovery

Medicinal Marzipan

Diary of a Mad Overeater

Food: My Drug of Choice

Weightless

Dressing Up for Work

Today was my second half-day back at work. I have been feeling a lot better at work (than before I left for treatment) and I think it is because I have been getting dressed for the past two days. I don't mean that I went in naked before... I mean that I have been straightening my hair and dressing cute, really "dressing" myself. And, it has made me feel better (and prettier). I am not sure how long I can keep this up. I don't know how many cute outfits I have left ;)

Anyway, I stopped dressing up for work about a year ago when I started gaining weight and feeling bad about my appearance. I thought that I looked gross, so I stopped wearing my hair down and wore whatever fit. I didn't want to look at myself in the mirror, so I avoided it at all costs.

Maybe, I am improving! The last two days have been good. :)

Tonight I am starting a weekly after-care group for people who just got out of inpatient and outpatient treatments. It is an all-addictions program and it meets for two hours once per week. I think it will be a good thing for me. I have also decided to start an outpatient program on three other weekdays from 4:30-8:00 pm. The 12-week eating disorder outpatient program, like my last one, "comes with" a weekly dietitian and therapy appointment. It should be some good, healthy support for me to transition back to "reality." So, that is something every night Monday - Thursday, and then need to make it to meetings on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. It will be good for me.

Do YOU feel better when you dress up to go to work? What do YOU do after work on weekdays to keep busy?