Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Famous fatties?

So I have been watching The Real World and thinking about how annoying it is that nobody on the cast is overweight. Actually, nobody anywhere on tv is fat. Nobody on Gossip Girl, 90210, Lost, How I Met Your Mother, Greys Anatomy, etc. is even chubby. How can those sitcoms really immitate real life if everyone is thin? That makes me feel pretty ugly and not normal. It's one thing if models are sickly thin, but this is just crazy! I want to see some fatties on the next season of The Real World! Chubby cast members would do.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

It Does Not Fit

So, tonight I got a package in the mail with a bridesmaid dress for a wedding that I will be in in late May. I got measured for the dress over 6 months ago and ofcourse now the dress barely fits. Is it possible to take-out dresses? Can I order another one with only a few weeks until the wedding? This is a miserable situation.

I haven’t been doing well over the past week. I started last week off in high spirits after I began my blog, but then it wore off. I spent the weekend at home at my parents house, too embarrassed to be seen in public with my friends. My parents went out Saturday night with their friends and I stayed home with their dogs - yep, I am super awesome.

My parents told me that they are worried about me and they think that I am ruining my life. They are worried because I don’t do anything social anymore. I only go to work and go out to eat occasionally. If I don’t do something about this weight soon, it is only going to get worse. At first, I cried and was really upset with them... Don’t they get it?? This isn’t only about the weight. I have an eating disorder. I can’t just be thin and solve this problem with a quick diet. I’ve tried that before. Here I am again!

After thinking about it for a long time, I realized that my parents are right. While taking care of this eating disorder business, I also need to lose weight so that I am not afraid to be seen in public or feel too fat to step foot into a bar or party. I can’t live like this.

I want to start looking into some outpatient and inpatient programs. I need to handle this once and for all so that I can live a normal life!! I have done a tiny bit of research and most of the programs seem geared towards anorexics. I know being in a program with people that skinny would be too hard for me. Anyway, do you know of any outpatient or inpatient programs for binge-eaters? Leave me comments!!

My new goal is to write a little every day- I know it will be therapeutic. Can anyone recommend a good blogger iPhone app?


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

This is My Story

I am a compulsive binge-eater and this is my story.

I have been doing it since elementary school. I used to come home from school in a fog, upset that I wasn’t popular, and park myself in front of the TV. I would eat handfuls and handfuls from the jumbo box of goldfish. While nobody was home, I grabbed hershey kisses, chips, and cookies. I had to do it before my mom got home from work. If she caught me, she would say “Why are you eating that? Just yesterday you told me you were unhappy with your weight.” At that time, I did not realize I had an eating disorder.

I did not even realize it throughout college when I used to sneak food into my room while my roommates were sleeping so they wouldn’t see me binge. I would eat huge bowls of cereal and stuff my face until I couldn’t eat anymore.

Only this year did I really, genuinely accept that I have disordered eating. Time after time, diet after diet, I convinced myself that I was just hungry, that I was breaking a diet and would just get on the bandwagon the next week. My mom said, “Don’t you think everyone would eat all of the junk food they could if it didn’t affect their weight?” So, week after week, diet after diet, I assumed that other people could just diet better than I could. I thought they were just better at ignoring temptation.

Since college, I have increasingly become more and more depressed, bingeing my way to 200+ pounds. I don’t go out with my friends anymore. I can’t wear cute clothes or flirt with guys. Who would want to be around me? I certainly don’t like being myself! How did this happen to me? How did I get to be this person?

Lately, I have been going to a lot of therapy and even went to my first Overeaters Anonymous (OA) meeting. Part of me really wants to recover and be a normal twenty-something. The other part of me wants to quit my job, cry, binge, and move back home with my parents.

This is a tough road that I am traveling on, and I came to the realization last week that blogging might be therapeutic.

So, feel free to follow me as I try to climb my way out of depression, binge eating disorder, and unhappiness. This is going to be quite the journey.