I have been doing it since elementary school. I used to come home from school in a fog, upset that I wasn’t popular, and park myself in front of the TV. I would eat handfuls and handfuls from the jumbo box of goldfish. While nobody was home, I grabbed hershey kisses, chips, and cookies. I had to do it before my mom got home from work. If she caught me, she would say “Why are you eating that? Just yesterday you told me you were unhappy with your weight.” At that time, I did not realize I had an eating disorder.
I did not even realize it throughout college when I used to sneak food into my room while my roommates were sleeping so they wouldn’t see me binge. I would eat huge bowls of cereal and stuff my face until I couldn’t eat anymore.
Only this year did I really, genuinely accept that I have disordered eating. Time after time, diet after diet, I convinced myself that I was just hungry, that I was breaking a diet and would just get on the bandwagon the next week. My mom said, “Don’t you think everyone would eat all of the junk food they could if it didn’t affect their weight?” So, week after week, diet after diet, I assumed that other people could just diet better than I could. I thought they were just better at ignoring temptation.
Since college, I have increasingly become more and more depressed, bingeing my way to 200+ pounds. I don’t go out with my friends anymore. I can’t wear cute clothes or flirt with guys. Who would want to be around me? I certainly don’t like being myself! How did this happen to me? How did I get to be this person?
Lately, I have been going to a lot of therapy and even went to my first Overeaters Anonymous (OA) meeting. Part of me really wants to recover and be a normal twenty-something. The other part of me wants to quit my job, cry, binge, and move back home with my parents.
This is a tough road that I am traveling on, and I came to the realization last week that blogging might be therapeutic.
So, feel free to follow me as I try to climb my way out of depression, binge eating disorder, and unhappiness. This is going to be quite the journey.