Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Almost 1 Year Later and No Word From Shades

I have been home from treatment for almost one year. Can you believe it? Wow!

I am watching Addicted to Food on OWN and realized that's it's been almost one year since I've been home and not ONCE did Shades ever try to follow up with me after treatment.

I left and thank god I am doing ok because their aftercare plan is
NONEXISTENT! It's pretty sad really. $20,000, a few weeks in Buffalo Gap, and then - poof - Shades is gone from your life forever. One call from them or even an email would have been nice!

Oh well, I don't feel it is necessary to contact them to tell them I am doing well. I am not sure how much they had to do with it.

Did you go to Shades of Hope and have a similar experience or an experience like this at another treatment center? Maybe this lack of post-treatment communication is normal?! Who knows!

Blind date tomorrow! Wish me luck!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Hello, old friends!

I have not posted in months, so I thought I would give you a quick update on all of the positives changes in my life since my last post:

-Tonight I posted my first Facebook photo album in 4 years. Fuck the rude people who will look at me and comment on my weight. This is who I am. Live with
It. :) I am ME!!!

-I am going on a beach vacation next weekend with my family and I'm going to wear a bathing suit in public for the first time in about two years or so.

-I got a new job! I've been there a little over 2 months. They wanted ME! It made me feel great about myself.

-I dated a guy for about 5 weeks. Things didn't work out, but it gave me hope that someday I will find someone to marry! Can you believe it? Very exciting.

-I went to another wedding and wore a strapless dress. Photos were taken and posted to Facebook. Oh well!

-I haven't slept at my parents house in months

-No big crying episodes or breakdowns

So, overall I've been doing extremely well. I an still taking that diet pill phentermine and it isn't working at all. I've been on it for a couple of months and have lost 5 lbs. I prob need to get off of it.

Eating is still not easy, but it's a bit easier bc I am not with my parents so much. I try to eat what I am craving so I wont overdo it if I deprive myself. It is still a struggle and I am sure it will always be!

I am still not happy with my body or the way I look, and i know my weight is affecting my health, but I am doing the best I can. Even maintaining my weight (195-200 lbs) for the past year has been an accomplishment! I am okay day-to-day with it and I am learning to accept this body.

So, Shades of Hope is now on the OWN network on a show called Addicted to Food. It is all such a ridiculous "show" and everything is so fake. I just hope people don't watch it and waste money at Shades. I am still in so much debt from it. The tv show does not accurately portray the facility or the staff at all. Anyone agree? It has been almost 1 year since my intake at Shades and I still try to block the experience out of my mind.

Anyway, life is good! I haven't been to therapy or a Dietition since 2010 and I think stopping it has really helped. Before, I spent all my time overanalyzing and now I am actually trying to LIVE my life. Ofcourse my psychiatrist and the meds do help now! Anyway, I hope you all can find comfort in the fact that I am trying to move on with my life and that I am living it (smiling, laughing, etc.).

Hope all is well with you!

Sunday, February 20, 2011

An Update: On Happiness, Life, and Love

Everything in my life has changed. I smile now. I enjoy things. I am able to leave my apartment without the fear that everyone is staring at me. It is the medication. It has turned my life around. I have lost 4 or 5 pounds and ofcourse that is very exciting (am almost under 200), but that isn't the best part; the fact that I am feeling more like my old self is incredible. Before the depression, eating disorder, and treatment, I was happy, fun, silly, and smiling. I had my lonely, sad moments, but overall I was a fun person. I liked to laugh, be with friends, and be the center of attention. I feel more that way now than I have in a while. I still have a lot of issues around my weight, eating, clothes, my relationship with my mother, etc., but I feel good. And that is truly a miracle.

This weekend, I visited my college town and saw people I have not seen in about three years. The last time they saw me I was 75 pounds less. But, I overcame my fear and made the trip. And, it was actually fun. My old friends accepted me the way I am now and that felt amazing. It is even more amazing that I was confident enough to fly to this college town and be brave enough to face my fear of showing the world how I look. I feel pride that I was able to face this fear.

Most of the friends I visited have serious boyfriends, just like my friends at home. I was very conscious of the lack of single friends, but it didn't completely bring me down. I was okay. It was okay.

On another note, the reason I have been so MIA with this blog is that I am trying to live my life. When I was depressed, I enjoyed reading ED blogs and connecting with other bloggers. Now, it feels better to blog when I feel like it and stay away from the blogs that obsess about weight and depression. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for the support from the blogging community, but I have needed a break. I haven't seen my therapist or nutritionist in two months, and shifting my focus has been immensely helpful. So, my lack of participation in the blogging community has been along those lines. I am not saying goodbye, but I will be blogging and commenting less. I will keep you updated on my life, but now more than ever I realize the importance of this blog as a journal for myself versus a story to market to others to gain followers.

So, take a break from your blog, your therapy, your obsessing. Live your life. It is so simple. You might see a change in yourself. Why did I not see it before?

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Quick Update

Hi all!

Quick update: I have been doing pretty well. Things aren't magically better, but ofcourse I am more optimistic about my weight everything now. I am still having trouble being negative and not feeling left out with my friends. Food-wise, I have been doing a LOT better. I have lost about 3 or 4 pounds, which is good. I know I am being crazy, but I thought it would come off faster. I am been trying to eat well! I guess slow is healthy. I need to look at the positive - with everything in my life.

Ok. Gotta go.

How do you stay positive? I need some advice in order to make myself learn how to be happy!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Phentermine - And the Journey Begins...

Hi all,

So, I know many of you aren't going to approve what I am going to say in this post, but I am going to write about it anyway because I write this blog for ME. 

I started taking Phentermine again. This is the prescription diet pill that I took 5 or so years ago that made me lose 40+ pounds. I took it for three years and then eventually it wore off and I gained the weight back (more on that later). I have been taking Phentermine for two days and I already feel great. I am eating a lot less (and more importantly healthier) and that has given me HOPE. I haven’t binged (because I feel full) and I am very hopeful that this will help me get back down to a healthy weight and teach me how to eat better.

I had a choice to make. I could keep gaining weight (and bingeing) which would probably lead to diabetes OR give this drug another try. My weight is slowly becoming a serious medical issue (I am 5’3 and considered “severely obese”), so my doctor recommended this. I know that the drug will eventually wear off (like it did last time), but it is worth it even if it works a little bit. I have tried hundreds of times to lose weight myself and it just doesn’t work with my eating issues. This drug will help me eat intuitively, while keeping my appetite under control. It will help me learn to be healthy. Next, I have to figure out the food plan situation. Do you go to a dietitian while practicing intuitive eating? How does that work?

I feel very positive about this. I want to be able to at least shop in regular stores and feel okay about myself. Last weekend, I was supposed to go to a big formal fundraiser on Saturday night and I didn't go because I felt so horrible about the way I looked in my dress. That shouldn't happen. I should be able to LIVE MY LIFE.

I understand the risks and that this isn't a "magic" pill that will take away the way I feel about myself or my eating issues, but it will definitely give me a boost for the short term and get me on track. I am working on dealing with the underlying issues anyway, so this is coming at the problem from a different angle.

Ofcourse, I am worried about what happens when the effects eventually wear off. So, I have to do everything differently this time: learn how to like/cook healthy foods, find a form of exercise that I actually enjoy, manage coming off of the drug, etc.

I was thinking about the last time I took this drug and slowly gained all of the weight back. A big part of the issue was that I was very depressed about leaving college and moving back home. I was in a bad place. This time, I must manage everything differently. 

Here's some information about Phentermine:
"Phentermine is used for a limited period of time to speed weight loss in overweight people who are exercising and eating a low-calorie diet. Phentermine is in a class of medications called anorectics. It works by decreasing appetite."
"Phentermine works on the hypothalamus portion of the brain to release norepinephrine, a neurotransmitter or chemical messenger that signals a fight-or-flight response, reducing hunger. Phentermine works outside the brain as well to release epinephrine or adrenaline causing fat cells to break down stored fat, but the principal basis of efficacy is hunger-reduction. At clinically relevant doses, phentermine also releases serotonin and dopamine, but to a much lesser extent than that of norepinephrine."

Thursday, January 20, 2011

208 But Doing Okay!

Hi there!

1. My blog was listed as one of the Top 50 Addiction Counseling Blogs by The Counseling Courier. I am not sure how legit it is, but whatever. Cool nonetheless. The site looks a little fake.

2. I am feeling a teeeeeny tiny bit better about the friend thing. I am trying to be more social by getting involved in social things and that feel good. My goal is to join every group and association I can find. Obviously that can't happen overnight....I hope this weekend is better than last. I have plans Saturday night and errands to run Saturday. That is all though. I am not sure how to make plans without bothering my current friends. I haven't really made any new friends yet that I can be with. AHHHH. This sucks.

3. I went to the doctor today and weighed 208 lbs. I think my scale at home is a few pounds lower. Bummer. I am 8 pounds up from when I left treatment in August. :( How long will it be before I can apply to the biggest loser? UGH this makes me crazy.

4. I had a good week overall. So yay for that, but I had a few down moments. Food is still hard. I think it has been worse because I went to a boot camp with my mom on Monday night and it made me crazy (thinking about foot, dieting, etc.). The actual class was hard but fine. But, it screwed with my head. When I try to exercise, diet, and eat healthy, everything flies out the window - big time. The opposite happens. So, instead of eating well, I skipped the second class, bailed on my mom, and ordered pizza and breadsticks... and ate almost all of it by myself and then felt very sick. I was sneaky, hoping that none of the neighbors would see the pizza delivery (only fat people eat pizza, right?). Just like old times. Anyway, I am trucking along slowly. Still better than I was in the summer though - I've got to keep that into perspective.

I often talk about all of the bad in my life. This is my journal to rant, complain, and be honest, but I need to acknowledge all of the good too. I am WORLDS better than I was three months ago. I have gone out, I have been social, and I am smiling and laughing. I have a bunch of trips planned to visit some college friends and a high school friend who moved out of town. That is HUGE. One year ago, I would have never done these things because I was too embarrassed to be seen in public. This weekend, I have a fundraiser where I have to wear a strapless dress. I am not sure if I am not nervous about it because I am doing well or because I think my pagmina can cover up my fatty deposit.

Anyway, things are good. So, thanks for sticking with me. Keep on readin', my friends!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

A Momentary Lapse

I have had a momentary lapse in my change for the better. Things have been hard lately...really hard with food, because I have been upset.

I don't feel like my friends are there for me. I will sit at home on a Saturday night and nobody will call me. Later, I will hear about how they all went out. In an effort to make plans (so that I am not alone), I ask my friends to go to dinner during the week almost every week. They usually say no and are with their significant others. I know I need to make single friends, but this is still really hard to go through. I sent an email to my friends asking 5 of them to come watch the golden globes Sunday night. Everyone said they had plans... It was late notice, but it still upsets me. I am really trying to reach out, but its hard. I don't want to sit in my apartment alone. And, every now and then when my friends DO want to be with me, I resent them. So, I am spending a lot of time with my parents. Its sad. My mom says it is normal to feel this way and that my friends aren't doing this to hurt me - that they are in different places with their boyfriends/fiancees/husbands, but it is still really hard to be alone so much. Deep down, I know they don't want to hurt me, but I guess it just feels shitty that they aren't there.

I decided I have to stop asking them to get together all the time. I know I am bothering them (no question in my mind). Sometimes, they don't even return my texts. I need to make some new single friends so that I'm not alone. Still, in the meantime, its really hard. I slept at my parents house yesterday and I am there again tonight. I don't know how to meet these new single friends or how this will work. It is really upsetting me and I just can't shake it. Is this how its going to be forever? Are all of my friends going to get married and start having babies while I am fat and unhappy at my parents' house? What happens when my parents get elderly and something happens to them. I will die. Anyway, enough of this tangent...

My eating has been horrible because I've been so upset. I don't even want to rehash it. It hasn't been this bad in a while. My weight is just climbing higher and higher. Last Sunday I went to Weight Watchers, kept it for 1 day (then binged the second day) and then did badly all week. I am going again tomorrow, but I know this isn't working. I don't know what to do. I keep wishing I could go back in time and do my whole life over. No dieting.

I also haven't seen my therapist in weeks. I got tired of rehashing the same things over and over, and I am also trying to save money. It didn't look great that I left work for almost 2 hours every Monday (appointment + commute). AND, I called in sick AGAIN on Friday. That is two weeks in a row. Not good - not good at all.

I am a hot mess.

This week, I am starting a boot camp with my mom. I need to exercise and get healthy or I am going to die. I know that sounds harsh, but its true. Ugh. I hate my life (sorry to be a debbie downer). I am still doing better than I was before... so thats a plus...

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Another Sick Day

I took ANOTHER sick day today. I know. It's really bad. I feel so guilty about it. I probably take one sick day every three weeks. I need to get out of this habit.

Anyway, the reason I took the sick day was that i felt like shit because I got no sleep again because of my loud neighbor. This was the third night in a row. I talked to the leasing office today so hopefully they can talk to this guy. I woke up, wrote an email to my boss, and then slept until noon. I did nothing all day. I overate, got lonely, and now I am sleeping at my parents house. I don't feel too depressed or anything, just tired of being alone... I'm frustrated with my job and still feel like my friends don't want to be there for me. I feel like they don't call me. I only see them when I make the effort. In reality, I am probably exaggerating this in my head, but I can't help it. It bothers me.

I had the urge to order Chinese again today (my go-to binge) but i didn't so that is positive.

I feel better after being here like I always do. Being with my mom gives me a boost.

Also, I cancelled my therapy appointment on Monday so I haven't seen my therapist in two weeks because of the holidays. I also haven't seen my dietitian in weeks. I'm okay with that for now though. I probably do have some things I should talk through, but it has been nice to take a break from all of the doctors. It gets exhausting.

Ok. I HAVE to go to work tomorrow. No excuses. At least I know my mom won't let me oversleep and i wont have a loud neighbor tonight.

Sorry for the rambling!

Monday, January 3, 2011

Laziness and the Motivation to Work Out

Hi All. Today wasn't actually a wonderful day, but I am ok - no worries.

I didn't fall asleep last night until 3:30am because my neighbor in my apartment was being really loud. So, I woke up exhausted. I packed a breakfast and a lunch so that was positive. I got to work and found out that some of my coworkers are leaving the company. Everything seems like it is changing really fast in my work world. By lunch time, I was sick of being at work. It was so hard to be back and I couldn't stop yawning. So, after I ate my lunch, I went to work from home for the afternoon. That didn't go well. I kept falling asleep but was able to wake myself up to check my work email every now and then. It was pretty unproductive. So, now I am worried that I am not going to be able to sleep tonight again because the napping. Oh no. That would be horrible. After I woke up from my nap(s), I watched tv and ordered Chinese food which wasn't good. I thought about just eating a frozen meal (thats all I have in my apartment) but got worried that it wasn't going to be enough food and that I would feel hungry all night (the worst feeling). So, I ate a lot, feel guilty about it, and feel kinda lonely now because I have been in my apartment alone since 1 pm today. I guess I did this all to myself though.

Tomorrow, I will make my breakfast and lunch again and get back with the program, make plans, and not sit around. That is so hard sometimes.

Unfortunately I am just a lazy person. I have always been this way. I would much rather watch TV and read a book than go out sometimes. I love sleeping and naps. A lot of my lack of energy probably has to do with my weight, right?

I would like to begin starting to work out (again) but I hate it. I just really do. Every time I try to make a workout routine, I stick with it for a few days and then quit because I hate it. I also hate that I do it ONLY for weight purposes and not for health at all. I just can't go to the gym and not think about my body image and weight. It just never feels like a positive experience... the skinny people, the big mirrors, the jiggling fat...

I thought about working out tonight actually, but then I thought about how much I ate for dinner. Instead of thinking "I can go work this off," I thought "whatever...I've ruined the night anyway." I kept thinking that there was no point in working out if I had already eaten badly. There I go with my black-or-white thinking again.

So, my question for you is HOW CAN I GET MYSELF TO WORK OUT AND STOP BEING LAZY? Do you work out in the morning or evening? How do you get yourself there? What type of workout do you do? How do you fit it in your work schedule? HELP! I need major advice.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Cherry on Top Award

Hooray! I was just given the Cherry on Top Award by Diary of a Former Food Addict, one of my favorite new blogs. I would like to award this awesome honor to a few blogs who I think have "that little bit extra!" If I could, I would also award it right back to F.F.A. (above).

  1. Building Beauty Beyond Body
  2. Fat Bridesmaid
  3. Post Secret
  4. Living By My Own Rules


Back to Work I Go

It is going to be SO hard to go back to work tomorrow after being off for over a week. It was nice to sleep late, hang out, and have fun. I know that if I didn't have a job I would be bored to tears (and depressed), but I loved not working this week. I know I am probably not the only one ;) When I came back from residential treatment, before I started working again, I was miserable. So, I know working is the best for me... not as if it is really an option anyway.

Are YOU ready to go back to work tomorrow?

P.S. - Just ordered some cute shirts from City Chic! This is the type of plus size clothing I am looking for (or what they have at Forever 21 Plus). Any suggestions are welcome!!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

1.1.11 - Just Another Saturday

Hi everyone. Aren't you so proud about how much I've been posting? Yay! I started off the year right by having a good day. I feel very positive about 2011.

Anyway, let me tell you a little about my day. I woke up at noon and then brought lunch over to my brother and a few of his college friends that were visiting. They wanted Chick-Fil-A and I wanted to order more, but I ate my one chicken sandwich and fries and was good. We saw a movie and then for dinner we wen't out for mexican. I ate SO many chips that I felt like my mom kept looking at me. I love mexican and it is so hard to just eat normally at mexican restaurants. I left though and will not eat anything for the rest of the night. One dinner won't hurt me, right? I need to stay away from mexican food.

Now, I am back at my apartment, watching Jersey Shore and listening to the guy in the apartment below me watch a REALLY loud movie... ugh. so annoying.

I talked to a friend yesterday who I met at Shades of Hope. I haven't talked to her since I left and basically she told me that she left MUCH worse than she came in. What a waste of FOUR months. She said the treatment team really brought her down and she did not come out like she expected she would. She also told me that many of the people I was there with had also relapsed and gone to other treatment centers. That is very disturbing. I hate that place and it drives me crazy that Oprah is doing a show about it. I am sure they will make it look way different than it actually is. There aren't many reviews about the treatment center anywhere by previous patients, so I hope others don't make the same mistake by trusting the website like I did or the fru fru Oprah show. Anyway, check out my previous rant about Shades of Hope here (prompted by another former patient who feels the same).

Goodnight, bloggers.

First Post of 2011 - New Year's Eve Recap

Ok. So here is a recap of my super duper exciting New Year's Eve.

I got my hair done just to make myself feel better. The hair lady was new and curled it badly and it fell RIGHT when I got home. I started freaking out because my hair just looked straight and dirty from all of the hair spray she put in. In the end, I just pinned it half up. Sucked though. What a waste.

I went to dinner and it was fine. It was two couples, me, and another single girlfriend. Dinner was so yummy and I ate A LOT. I hope I didn't look like a beast or something. I always worry about what I look like eating to other people because when I eat I really get in a "zone." Anyway, it was fine and all was ok. I took a picture with everyone and then saw it on the camera and it made me feel bad about myself. I tried to push it to the back of my mind.

After dinner, we were supposed to go to a house party that I have been anxious about. After feeling bad about the way I looked, I was doubting going. I really could have gone either way. The old me would have gone home and felt bad about myself. I pushed myself to go to the house party (because I am trying to be positive) and I am glad I did.

At first, the party was awkward. For a moment I actually felt really alone and teared up a little. I got myself together (nobody saw), talked to people, and had an okay time. Everyone was nice (even though I am not BFF with them) and one of my friends even said she might have someone to set me up with! She brought it up! So yay. I hope that works out. I left with another good friend and her husband soon after midnight. They dropped me off at my apartment and here I am.

So, here are some lessons I learned tonight:
1. I need to keep pushing myself to do social things.
2. 2011 WILL be better than 2010 (it can't get much worse)
3. I need to cut all of the anxious shit and HAVE FUN LIVING MY LIFE
4. Nobody likes a Debbie Downer. Even my good friends. They don't want to hear me complain.
5. Wearing flat shoes is definitely the way to go.

Tomorrow is 1.1.11! Have a good one!