Everything in my life has changed. I smile now. I enjoy things. I am able to leave my apartment without the fear that everyone is staring at me. It is the medication. It has turned my life around. I have lost 4 or 5 pounds and ofcourse that is very exciting (am almost under 200), but that isn't the best part; the fact that I am feeling more like my old self is incredible. Before the depression, eating disorder, and treatment, I was happy, fun, silly, and smiling. I had my lonely, sad moments, but overall I was a fun person. I liked to laugh, be with friends, and be the center of attention. I feel more that way now than I have in a while. I still have a lot of issues around my weight, eating, clothes, my relationship with my mother, etc., but I feel good. And that is truly a miracle.
This weekend, I visited my college town and saw people I have not seen in about three years. The last time they saw me I was 75 pounds less. But, I overcame my fear and made the trip. And, it was actually fun. My old friends accepted me the way I am now and that felt amazing. It is even more amazing that I was confident enough to fly to this college town and be brave enough to face my fear of showing the world how I look. I feel pride that I was able to face this fear.
Most of the friends I visited have serious boyfriends, just like my friends at home. I was very conscious of the lack of single friends, but it didn't completely bring me down. I was okay. It was okay.
On another note, the reason I have been so MIA with this blog is that I am trying to live my life. When I was depressed, I enjoyed reading ED blogs and connecting with other bloggers. Now, it feels better to blog when I feel like it and stay away from the blogs that obsess about weight and depression. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for the support from the blogging community, but I have needed a break. I haven't seen my therapist or nutritionist in two months, and shifting my focus has been immensely helpful. So, my lack of participation in the blogging community has been along those lines. I am not saying goodbye, but I will be blogging and commenting less. I will keep you updated on my life, but now more than ever I realize the importance of this blog as a journal for myself versus a story to market to others to gain followers.
So, take a break from your blog, your therapy, your obsessing. Live your life. It is so simple. You might see a change in yourself. Why did I not see it before?
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Wow sounds like you are really upbeat, putting yourself out there and really experiencing life. That is awesome.
ReplyDeleteRe the blog, I think everyone has their own reasons for blogging, reading blogs and commenting, it really depends on what you need from it.
Glad you've got things working for you and kicking along nicely :-)
I've been taking a break from my blogging and Facebook, and everything internet-related for awhile. I still check in now and then, but it isn't with the same obsessive frequency that I used to. Living life is so much more important! x's and o's to you my dear, you sound like you are truly healing.
ReplyDeleteI'll still be reading your blog whenever u post & sending out occasional prayers. Be happy:-)
ReplyDeleteI actually started tearing up at the top of your blog. You are so right -- living life is the number one importance. I am sooo happy you are enjoying life, you are smiling... when you're happy with yourself, when you begin accepting yourself everything else falls into place!! You are doing awesome! I'm so glad I stopped by - you're my inspiration for the day!!
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