Everything in my life has changed. I smile now. I enjoy things. I am able to leave my apartment without the fear that everyone is staring at me. It is the medication. It has turned my life around. I have lost 4 or 5 pounds and ofcourse that is very exciting (am almost under 200), but that isn't the best part; the fact that I am feeling more like my old self is incredible. Before the depression, eating disorder, and treatment, I was happy, fun, silly, and smiling. I had my lonely, sad moments, but overall I was a fun person. I liked to laugh, be with friends, and be the center of attention. I feel more that way now than I have in a while. I still have a lot of issues around my weight, eating, clothes, my relationship with my mother, etc., but I feel good. And that is truly a miracle.
This weekend, I visited my college town and saw people I have not seen in about three years. The last time they saw me I was 75 pounds less. But, I overcame my fear and made the trip. And, it was actually fun. My old friends accepted me the way I am now and that felt amazing. It is even more amazing that I was confident enough to fly to this college town and be brave enough to face my fear of showing the world how I look. I feel pride that I was able to face this fear.
Most of the friends I visited have serious boyfriends, just like my friends at home. I was very conscious of the lack of single friends, but it didn't completely bring me down. I was okay. It was okay.
On another note, the reason I have been so MIA with this blog is that I am trying to live my life. When I was depressed, I enjoyed reading ED blogs and connecting with other bloggers. Now, it feels better to blog when I feel like it and stay away from the blogs that obsess about weight and depression. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for the support from the blogging community, but I have needed a break. I haven't seen my therapist or nutritionist in two months, and shifting my focus has been immensely helpful. So, my lack of participation in the blogging community has been along those lines. I am not saying goodbye, but I will be blogging and commenting less. I will keep you updated on my life, but now more than ever I realize the importance of this blog as a journal for myself versus a story to market to others to gain followers.
So, take a break from your blog, your therapy, your obsessing. Live your life. It is so simple. You might see a change in yourself. Why did I not see it before?