Friday, December 31, 2010


Just drove through Chick-fil-A and ate one chicken sandwich and THREE orders of large fries. Yuck. I feel sick and too full.

I am not sure why I did it. I guess I feel lonely and anxious about my New Year's plans.

Last binge of 2010.

New Year's Resolutions - Happy 2011!

Hi all. Hope you are doing well.

My parents are out of town again for New Year's and I am still feeling a little unsure about it. I know that I am 25, but I am so connected to them (especially my mom) that when they leave town it is hard. I just feel alone. There is no other way to describe it (even though I live alone). I guess I see them a lot. Like I said in previous posts, once I move forward from my food issues, this is something I need to work on. It is hard to have my own life here because I rely on my parents so much. In reality, I like being with my parents a lot more than some of my friends. I know that is codependent and crazy. I guess I haven't really grown up like other people my age because of this eating disorder and my enmeshed relationship with my mom.

On another note, I can't believe tomorrow is already New Year's Eve. I am not excited about my plans. The more I think about it, the more I am nervous because the group of people I will be with are all in a tight group and I feel on the outside when I am with them. I have a few good friends going, but it is weird because I have known a lot of these people for years and we just aren't friends... If they were interested in being friends with me, they could have done so years ago... so it'll be interesting. I am going to dress cute and get my hair blown dry so I feel good about myself.

I know it is important to make (and achieve) attainable goals. I have never really made New Year's resolutions in the past, but I figured it might be a nice change for me. I also thought it would be good (and healthy) if they didn't have anything to do with my weight. So, here it goes.

1. Cook 2 or 3 times per week instead of picking up/ordering out
2. Eat more "whole" foods and less processed stuff
3. Find an exercise that I like (try yoga) and exercise at least once a week
4. Keep in touch with out of town friends and make some new friends
5. Keep my apartment clean
6. Call grandparents at least once per week
7. Make a budget and stick to it

Thanks for reading my blog this year and I hope to have many more happy posts for you in the coming year. Happy 2011, everyone!

Monday, December 27, 2010

Happy Vacation!

Hi everyone!
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas! I can't believe Christmas is already over. It is my favorite time of year so I am always a little sad when the season flies by so quickly. I love the atmosphere, the lights, the colors.... Anyway, everything here is still good. I have gone to two social functions at night in the past few days and lunch with a big group of friends and have run a thousand errands. I even have real plans for new years eve (dinner with friends and then to a friend's house after)! That is big. HUGE. For the past two years I have gone to sleep before midnight on New Year's eve. I am on vacation for the rest of the week and am happy about that.

I am actually sleeping at my parents house tonight which I know isn't the best idea, but I was lonely and didn't want to be alone or binge. So, I am here and feel fine. When does it become weird that I am almost 26 and sleep at my parents house every now and then? I think I might already be there :)

Actually, my parents were out of town recently and I noticed some interesting feelings. Right when they left I felt really sad and lonely. I even didn't leave my apartment one full day and moped and binged. Then, I thought "I can't do this anymore" and got off my ass and made some plans with friends. So, the rest of their trip was fine for me and I actually did pretty well filling up my time with social things. I did sleep at my parents house 2 nights while they were gone because I felt lonely and my brother is in town from college. I need to be okay being alone. MUST WORK ON THAT. It is hard because more and more of my friends are getting engaged and getting into serious relationships, so it isn't easy to make plans at night. Most of them are with their significant others during the week.

Food has been a challenge lately. Only a few BIG binges, but I am overeating a lot. I am not sure why. I guess the reasons for my bingeing are still there, so its pretty much the same thing (although I feel significantly happier that 2 months ago - yay). I need to get back onto the Weight Watchers wagon because I know my weight is still a big problem in my life. Despite how much I try, I know I wont be okay with myself at this weight. I need to get down to "normal" sizes, be able to shop in regular stores, and then I will be okay. Right? Doesn't that make sense?

Also, I KNOW that one of the reasons I am alone is my weight. During my skinny days, I was the center of attention and guys liked me! It felt great. It isn't like that now. Things have changed... obviously. I wan't to meet guys and get married one day, but my weight holds me back. For example, I would love to try, but I know I won't be that successful because everyone judges you based on your pictures. Been there. Done that. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I try not to, I do the same thing for the guys! Are any of you on or a similar dating site? What has your experience been?

Well, that is all for now. I hope this blog becomes more and more positive as I do better and better! I already feel worlds different. It is nice to get out of the house and DO SOMETHING instead of moping and feeling bad about myself all the time. 

So, keep reading. I am here for the long haul.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Riding Boots

I'm still doing well! Bummed about my boots situation though so help me out. Everyone is wearing cute riding boots this winter. Where can I find Wide calf riding boots? Just want to fit in!!!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Current Meds

Incase you are curious, my current meds are:

-Pristiq 100 mg
-Lamotrigine 200 mg
-Deplin 15 mg

This is probably the reason I've been happy. Maybe this is just the mix I've been looking for!

Still Smiling

Ok so here is the deal. I haven't been to therapy or the dietitian in weeks and I think that might be helping me. I was so tired of talking about this eating disorder over and over and over. So, I have been pushing it under the rug and trying my best to be happy. I know that is the number one goal. Happiness. I even WENT out on Saturday night!!! Ahh!! That is HUGE for me. There were def moments when I felt like a fat girl and guys hit on my other friends, but it felt good to be out again, to have a drink, and say "fuck you eating disorder-i am having FUN!" So, as you can see, things have turned around. I am scared to talk about it to friends and family bc I don't want to jinx it. I don't want to say I am doing okay and then have it all go the other way. Regardless, I am thinking that focusing on my life instead of just the eating disorder is the way to go! I am tired of wasting time talking about it. Enough already!

-Haven't binged on takeout in over a week (since my move!)
-Have only binged a few times in the past week or two. Overeating, but one step at a time :)
-Went OUT with friends Saturday night and have been trying to be more social
-Have slept at my apartment since I moved in (1.5 weeks ago) and haven't slept at my parents house or called them hysterically crying
-I have been smiling and laughing
-I haven't been bogged down in depressing blog posts from others (no offense)!
-I made my bed almost every day since I moved in

So, yay for me! I hope this lasts. I really do plan to sit down and blog more soon.

How are all of you?

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Smile on My Face - Yipeeee!

Hi readers! I know I haven't written in a long time. I moved and my new apartment is awesome. I will go into more detail in my next post. Anyway, I have been feeling great and have been doing a lot better. Bingeing is less frequent and I think I might finally have the right mix of meds. I feel good - FINALLY! thank god! I think it's because I have been so busy and haven't put so much emphasis on this whole food thing.

More soon!