Thursday, August 26, 2010

Nothing Like a Thursday Binge :(

I just binged. God dammit. I was doing so well. In fact, from Monday to Thursday afternoon I did great. I kept my meal plan, kept myself busy, and things were looking up.

Here is what happened this afternoon: I went to the dietitian for the first time for my outpatient program that starts Monday. She made me really anxious. She said that the focus of the program was intuitive eating. That is the opposite of what I learned at treatment. At treatment (which followed the 12 steps), I learned that I will always have this disease and that I will always have to be on a food plan, monitoring my intake. The 12 steps taught me that I can never just be alone with food, leave everything to my discretion, and eat what I "feel" like eating. The dietitian told me that the program was about mindfully eating when hungry and not being so "rigid" with a food plan. That confused me. I learned that I was not to be trusted with food. The dietitian told me I could still follow my exchanges, but the whole thing made me very nervous. She even mentioned adding a snack into the middle of my day. At the treatment center, they told us we weren't allowed to do this. I felt my head and my chest get tight. I felt like screaming, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? AFTER EVERYTHING I HAVE LEARNED, YOU ARE SWITCHING UP THE RULES ON ME?"I know there are different treatment methods, but this just made me feel anxious.

Then, I had to go back to the bridesmaids dress alterations place to pick up my dress.... still looked horrible on me. It made me feel like shit. Again. So, I cancelled the yoga class I was supposed to go to with a friend tonight and binged. I think this is what I ate (more or less): 8 sandwich thins, 10 slices of American cheese, 2 slices of cheddar cheese, 2 whole wheat tortillas, salsa, and about two cups of pasta with tomato sauce. I know, it is a weird combination. That is what happens when you only have "healthy" foods at your apartment. I still consumed a lot of calories and feel like shit now. It hasn't even been a whole week since the last time I binged. UGH. I am so frustrated with myself. I feel like I "ruined it."

This new outpatient program scares me. What if everything they teach me is opposite of what I learned at inpatient?

Today, I also felt like I was dieting. I think that is part of the reason I binged. Everything about my new "habits" is similar to my old dieting life (the foods, the tracking, etc...). I still don't have a sponsor. I am terrified that this weekend will be lonely and hard on me. I know I NEED to go to meetings. I hope I make it there. Tomorrow I am going to get coffee with a girl that I met at OA. Hopefully that will be inspiring.

What do you do after a binge to get back on track (emotionally)? How can I make my meal plan NOT feel like a diet? 

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The Little Purple Bridesmaid Dress

I just got back from the alterations place. The bridesmaid dress that I have to wear the weekend after next (labor day) looks HORRIBLE on me. HORRIBLE. The flabby arms with stretch marks, protruding stomach, fat and gross legs, eww....

I am having some major anxiety about wearing a strapless dress in public infront of 350 people. One that makes me look 20 pounds heavier no less. I haven't done anything social (with more than 2 friends) since I got home from treatment almost three weeks ago and now I am going to be forced into social situations ALL weekend. Don't get me wrong, this is for one of my best friends, but I can't help but be completely nervous. I am happy for her (obviously) but horrified for myself and the shame that I will feel...

The last time I saw some of the people that will be at the wedding I weighed 125 pounds. Yesterday, I weighed 197: 10 pounds down from my start of treatment but 70+ pounds heavier than my lowest weigh 3-4 years ago. SEVENTY POUNDS. Truly, I look like a different person.

I have been feeling really good about myself for the past two days, but trying on that dress made me feel physically Ill. How can I be okay and love myself for who I am when I am so overweight?

I wish I could do something to loose another 5-10 pounds in the next week or so, but I doing something like eating less would not last long and probably cause me to binge (from hunger). Remember, I only weighed 125 pounds because I took prescribed diet pills for 2-3 years in college.

Okay. I am going to talk about this in my group tonight and then put it in the back on my head and continue to follow my program. I have to tell myself that I am in the PROCESS of getting better and I am doing the best I can.

Versatile Blogger Award

While I was away at treatment, I was awarded the Versatile Blogger Award by one of my favorite blogs, Food: My Drug of Choice.

Similar to the Beautiful Blogger Award, I must recommend my favorite bloggers  to accept this wonderful award. Usually it is required that the recipient also share seven things about himself/herself, but you can just check out my Beautiful Blogger Award post to read seven things about me.

Anyway, here they are!

Nominated Blogs:

Dressing Up for Work

Today was my second half-day back at work. I have been feeling a lot better at work (than before I left for treatment) and I think it is because I have been getting dressed for the past two days. I don't mean that I went in naked before... I mean that I have been straightening my hair and dressing cute, really "dressing" myself. And, it has made me feel better (and prettier). I am not sure how long I can keep this up. I don't know how many cute outfits I have left ;)

Anyway, I stopped dressing up for work about a year ago when I started gaining weight and feeling bad about my appearance. I thought that I looked gross, so I stopped wearing my hair down and wore whatever fit. I didn't want to look at myself in the mirror, so I avoided it at all costs.

Maybe, I am improving! The last two days have been good. :)

Tonight I am starting a weekly after-care group for people who just got out of inpatient and outpatient treatments. It is an all-addictions program and it meets for two hours once per week. I think it will be a good thing for me. I have also decided to start an outpatient program on three other weekdays from 4:30-8:00 pm. The 12-week eating disorder outpatient program, like my last one, "comes with" a weekly dietitian and therapy appointment. It should be some good, healthy support for me to transition back to "reality." So, that is something every night Monday - Thursday, and then need to make it to meetings on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. It will be good for me.

Do YOU feel better when you dress up to go to work? What do YOU do after work on weekdays to keep busy?

Monday, August 23, 2010

A Nice Day at the Office

It felt good to be back. Everyone seemed happy to see me. I felt productive and needed.. That was nice. My new boss was very nice and understanding and told me to take it easy and only do as much as I can.

I worked out after work (got off at 1pm), then went to my therapist, and then to a meeting. I kept my food plan all day (yay) and packed my lunch for tomorrow. It's been a good day.

The "high" of my good morning wore off as the day went on, but I still feel good. I am getting nervous about all of the tasks I have to do at work, because I don't know how to JUST work part time and leave my work at home. I am also nervous about the wedding I am a bridesmaid in over labor day weekend- it will be a lot of social situations and I have a lot of recent social anxiety... Especially about wearing strapless dresses with my fatty, stretched-marked arms. Ah.

I am just going to try to not think about that. It's been a good day and I am going to stay positive! My friends and family love me for who I am not how I look, right? Now I need to love myself, fatty arms and all.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Back to Work

Tomorrow is my first day back. I will be working part time for a couple of weeks to get back into the swing of things. I feel good about going back. I was anxious before but it will be good to have some structure. I made a good lunch, set out my clothes, and I am prepared! Wish me luck!

Saturday, August 21, 2010

At This Very Moment, I am Okay.

Hi everyone. 
At this very moment I am doing okay. That is big for me. Yesterday was hard, but I pushed myself to spend some time with my friends. It felt good to not be all alone.

I have binged a lot lately, but right now I am sitting on my bed, writing this blog post, and it feels good to have SOMETHING to do. This blog has helped me a lot in my food addiction/binge eating/compulsive overeating journey. Thanks to you too, fellow bloggers. It has been a great help for me to read about your experiences.

Bad news: I skipped my morning OA meeting today. I woke up late, looked at my clock, and thought, "NO WAY."

Good news: Tonight I am seeing "Eat Pray Love" with a friend. I am excited because I loved the book.

Tomorrow is going to be interesting. I have dinner scheduled with my parents but I am still angry with them for "abandoning" me through this hard time. I know that isn't really want they are doing, but that's the way it feels. I know I sound like a bratty teenager. Grrr.

How are you all today?

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Your Favorite ED/Recovery Blogs

Looks like I need more recovery blogs to fill my lonely times..

What are YOUR favorite blogs to follow? Help me update my RSS feed by commenting on this post! Thanks!

Having Trouble Two Weeks Later

I have been having a lot of trouble since my last post. I have binged almost every day (peanut butter, carbs, sushi, cheese, smoothies- you name it) and not kept my meal plan at all. I have also been crying and lonely and feeling hopeless.... And I have only been home from treatment two weeks today. Brilliant...

Today I visited a 3/4 house in my city to see if it would work for me. I hated it. The girls had a lot of visible trigger foods around the kitchen.. Ice cream, cereal, breads, etc... It also seems like most all of them are there for alcohol or drugs. It didn't strike me as the most comfortable place.

Tomorrow I am looking into another outpatient program. I hope it's good.

I am thinking about even going back into residential treatment somewhere. I know that would be really hard on me and my job (I would probably lose it) but I don't know what else to do.

So, those are my options. I talked to my HR people and told them I am going back part time starting Monday. I am sure they would not be thrilled if i called and changed my mind.

I am having trouble turning to people for support other than my parents and my parents are trying to keep good boundaries and not answer my calls or texts if they know I am sad. I don't feel comfortable enough to call random O A people in hysterics. I think I talked about this yesterday. So, basically I feel alone all the time. I have like three friends left in my city and they don't want to hear me bitch and moan all the time. So, hence my sadness. This has caused me the most grief, not the food.

I haven't gone to a meeting since Tuesday. Why go to meetings if you are driving through McDonalds and eating like shit? I know the answer to that but I am just having issues with the 12 steps and OA right now. Maybe I am just not ready to recover. I don't know.

Sorry for all of the rambling and complaining. I hope this whole blog doesn't seem that way. On second thought, I don't really care. I am doing this for ME, myself and I! This is MY journal, my blog, my place to vent!!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


My day has been completely up and down.
Right now I feel very panicked. I just tried to update my resume and look for potential new jobs and it completely freaked me out. Now, my heart if beating fast and I feel jittery and uncomfortable. How can I look for a new job? My life feels so out of control.
A few hours ago I went to an OA meeting and then felt great. I went to the grocery store and got food for my meal plan, called an old friend from my last outpatient program (before treatment), and was okay.
Earlier in the day, I was bingeing and crying to my mom.
I am ALL OVER THE PLACE. I feel CRAZY. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I just have so many feelings. My therapist says it is because I am feeling everything that all of the pre-treatment bingeing was covering up. My mini-binge today was NOTHING like my binges used to be. I am still not happy about the fact that I have not worked out since Friday or fully followed my meal plan in two days.
I don’t like this. I want to feel cool, calm, and collected. I am tired of feeling lonely, confused, and alone. 
I am not at all following the 12 steps. I admit that I am trying to control my life. I can’t let go. I don’t know why. At treatment I could go with the flow and be “powerless.” Here, in real life, that isn’t so easy. They never told us how to deal with this shit.
Last night I did not go to sleep until 4:30 a.m. I am sleeping horribly. I woke up at noon and that is okay because I am still not back at work. Monday, when I have to wake up at 7 a.m. for my first day back in 8 weeks, I am really going to have a wake up call (pun intended)... Especially because I am DREADING going back to work - the stress, the people, the “scene of the crime.” My job/office is where I became so depressed/sick - how can I go back there and be okay with it? I know I need to go back to work because I need to add some structure to my days and because I can’t lose my job - I am in some serious debt from treatment. 
Truthfully, I don’t feel like I am ready to go back to work. I am not okay right now. I almost feel just as high/low as I did before I left. Well, maybe not THAT bad, but each day is a struggle.
I truly feel like I am going insane.
PS- Thanks everyone for your comments on all of my posts. They make me smile :) Also, I got a google alert that I have been listed on a website listing the 50 Best Blogs for Beating Food AddictionCool! I haven't checked out the others yet, but I def. will once I finish catching up on all of the posts from when I was gone.

Monday, August 16, 2010

The Binge

I just binged.
I have been horribly lonely and upset. I called my therapist, both of my parents, and a friend and nobody answered because they were all working. I got really frustrated and angry and sad, sobbing uncontrollably. Now I feel horrible.

I can't live like this anymore. AHHH!!!!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Lonely- part 2

Saw this at  The Pretty Pear and thought it was awesome. Perfect timing.


It has been hard transitioning home... The food has been hard, I haven't been to a meeting every day like I am supposed to, but the worst thing about being home is the loneliness.

I know if I call OA contacts or reach out to people, I will feel better. But, in the moments when I feel gut-renchingly lonely, I am too upset to speak to anyone or do anything except cry. It also usually happens late at night when I don't want to disturb anyone.

I am having a lot of trouble not relying on my parents through all of this. I am 25 but I still feel like I am 15... When I am upset I just want my mom. I spoke to my therapist about this last week and she basically told me that at treatment I detoxed off of food, but now I have to learn how to not be codependent with my parents and that is the hardest part. She said this would be harder than the food stuff. Actually throughout all of this, I have been thinking that my life sucks because I cannot have my family OR food to soothe me. I was okay at treatment because I was never ever alone. At treatment, they did not teach me to be ok by myself.

I feel so conflicted. When I feel good, I feel really good. But, when I feel bad I really really feel low. I have had one bingey episode with peanut butter since I have been home but have otherwise kept the meal plan. I have been okay about working out but haven't done it every day. I have gone to about 5 meetings in the 10 or so days I've been home. I still don't have a temporary sponsor. Sometimes I think I should go back to treatment. Could I already be relapsing this early?

For the past two nights I took Tylenol PM because I was so upset that all I could do was sleep. On Saturday I napped all day because I didn't want to spend another day alone. I have truly been struggling. How much struggling is normal though?

Friday, August 13, 2010

I'm Baaacckkkkkk (from Treatment)!

I am finally back from treatment. I learned A LOT and I have no idea how to sum it up into words. 

I spent 38 days at Shades of Hope in Buffalo Gap, Texas in Inpatient Residential Treatment.

At the beginning, I wrote letters complaining about ALL of the rules. I told my friends and family that I felt like I was in a prison. I complained about the staff, the facility, and the programming. I didn't like missing my life at home. BUT, I knew that treatment was the best place for me to be. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. It was uncomfortable... but it was also an eye-opening and life changing experience.

I met awesome people who I will never forget. I learned that I am not alone - and that I cannot make it through each day without the support and fellowship of the recovery community. I learned to feel my feelings and, best of all, to do that without turning to food or my parents. I have changed since I left 6 weeks ago.

I have been home exactly 8 days, and it has NOT been easy. I went from being with friends and supporters 24/7 to being alone most of the time. I have felt lonely and confused. They told me that transitioning home would be harder than being at treatment, and boy were they right. Some days, I wish I was back there in a "safe" environment. I am glad to be home though and have missed all of you fellow bloggers dearly. In the 6 weeks that I was away, you were all busy typing away, and I have over 300 posts to catch up on!!

I am going to attempt to blog daily, so keep reading to hear more about my experience at treatment.