My day has been completely up and down.
A few hours ago I went to an OA meeting and then felt great. I went to the grocery store and got food for my meal plan, called an old friend from my last outpatient program (before treatment), and was okay.
Earlier in the day, I was bingeing and crying to my mom.
I am ALL OVER THE PLACE. I feel CRAZY. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I just have so many feelings. My therapist says it is because I am feeling everything that all of the pre-treatment bingeing was covering up. My mini-binge today was NOTHING like my binges used to be. I am still not happy about the fact that I have not worked out since Friday or fully followed my meal plan in two days.
I don’t like this. I want to feel cool, calm, and collected. I am tired of feeling lonely, confused, and alone.
I am not at all following the 12 steps. I admit that I am trying to control my life. I can’t let go. I don’t know why. At treatment I could go with the flow and be “powerless.” Here, in real life, that isn’t so easy. They never told us how to deal with this shit.
Last night I did not go to sleep until 4:30 a.m. I am sleeping horribly. I woke up at noon and that is okay because I am still not back at work. Monday, when I have to wake up at 7 a.m. for my first day back in 8 weeks, I am really going to have a wake up call (pun intended)... Especially because I am DREADING going back to work - the stress, the people, the “scene of the crime.” My job/office is where I became so depressed/sick - how can I go back there and be okay with it? I know I need to go back to work because I need to add some structure to my days and because I can’t lose my job - I am in some serious debt from treatment.
Truthfully, I don’t feel like I am ready to go back to work. I am not okay right now. I almost feel just as high/low as I did before I left. Well, maybe not THAT bad, but each day is a struggle.
I truly feel like I am going insane.
PS- Thanks everyone for your comments on all of my posts. They make me smile :) Also, I got a google alert that I have been listed on a website listing the 50 Best Blogs for Beating Food Addiction. Cool! I haven't checked out the others yet, but I def. will once I finish catching up on all of the posts from when I was gone.
I know what you are going through. In treatment I thought I had it down and it lasted for a few weeks after I got out. Then I slowly started the anorexia again. The OA meetings are what saved me. My advice would to be to get a sponsor who can help you work the steps. Also, to have someone to call when you are feeling triggered to binge. There are other options -- it's just a matter of taking action to do them instead of bingeing.
ReplyDeleteGiving up and letting God is hard, but what else can you do at this point? Having faith that following a food plan and doing what you are supposed to do in treatment won't give you immediate gratification like the food will, but it's worth a try.
Good luck! Glad to see you back.
hope you're doing ok. Those feelings running away from you feel insanely out of control I really feel for you, I've absolutely been there, I used to be there all the time and I still get those moments regularly. I agree with the previous post a food plan will help, and maybe putting together a list of things that make you feel good and a list of things that distract you even if its just for a moment...maybe that will help too... Also weird question I went to your link of 50 blogs and found mine there too, any idea how you got a google alert?
ReplyDeleteYou have to sign up for google alerts. Google "google alert" and you will see how to do it. Then enter the name of your blog in quotes and it will send you an email everyhing google sees your blog name!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, you're a gem!
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