My day has been completely up and down.
Right now I feel very panicked. I just tried to update my resume and look for potential new jobs and it completely freaked me out. Now, my heart if beating fast and I feel jittery and uncomfortable. How can I look for a new job? My life feels so out of control.
A few hours ago I went to an OA meeting and then felt great. I went to the grocery store and got food for my meal plan, called an old friend from my last outpatient program (before treatment), and was okay.
Earlier in the day, I was bingeing and crying to my mom.
I am ALL OVER THE PLACE. I feel CRAZY. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I just have so many feelings. My therapist says it is because I am feeling everything that all of the pre-treatment bingeing was covering up. My mini-binge today was NOTHING like my binges used to be. I am still not happy about the fact that I have not worked out since Friday or fully followed my meal plan in two days.
I don’t like this. I want to feel cool, calm, and collected. I am tired of feeling lonely, confused, and alone.
I am not at all following the 12 steps. I admit that I am trying to control my life. I can’t let go. I don’t know why. At treatment I could go with the flow and be “powerless.” Here, in real life, that isn’t so easy. They never told us how to deal with this shit.
Last night I did not go to sleep until 4:30 a.m. I am sleeping horribly. I woke up at noon and that is okay because I am still not back at work. Monday, when I have to wake up at 7 a.m. for my first day back in 8 weeks, I am really going to have a wake up call (pun intended)... Especially because I am DREADING going back to work - the stress, the people, the “scene of the crime.” My job/office is where I became so depressed/sick - how can I go back there and be okay with it? I know I need to go back to work because I need to add some structure to my days and because I can’t lose my job - I am in some serious debt from treatment.
Truthfully, I don’t feel like I am ready to go back to work. I am not okay right now. I almost feel just as high/low as I did before I left. Well, maybe not THAT bad, but each day is a struggle.
I truly feel like I am going insane.
PS- Thanks everyone for your comments on all of my posts. They make me smile :) Also, I got a google alert that I have been listed on a website listing the 50 Best Blogs for Beating Food Addiction. Cool! I haven't checked out the others yet, but I def. will once I finish catching up on all of the posts from when I was gone.