I just got back from the alterations place. The bridesmaid dress that I have to wear the weekend after next (labor day) looks HORRIBLE on me. HORRIBLE. The flabby arms with stretch marks, protruding stomach, fat and gross legs, eww....
I am having some major anxiety about wearing a strapless dress in public infront of 350 people. One that makes me look 20 pounds heavier no less. I haven't done anything social (with more than 2 friends) since I got home from treatment almost three weeks ago and now I am going to be forced into social situations ALL weekend. Don't get me wrong, this is for one of my best friends, but I can't help but be completely nervous. I am happy for her (obviously) but horrified for myself and the shame that I will feel...
The last time I saw some of the people that will be at the wedding I weighed 125 pounds. Yesterday, I weighed 197: 10 pounds down from my start of treatment but 70+ pounds heavier than my lowest weigh 3-4 years ago. SEVENTY POUNDS. Truly, I look like a different person.
I have been feeling really good about myself for the past two days, but trying on that dress made me feel physically Ill. How can I be okay and love myself for who I am when I am so overweight?
I wish I could do something to loose another 5-10 pounds in the next week or so, but I doing something like eating less would not last long and probably cause me to binge (from hunger). Remember, I only weighed 125 pounds because I took prescribed diet pills for 2-3 years in college.
Okay. I am going to talk about this in my group tonight and then put it in the back on my head and continue to follow my program. I have to tell myself that I am in the PROCESS of getting better and I am doing the best I can.
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Oh, how awful. Being forced to wear something unflattering in a public setting is always wrenching. However, please try to keep in mind that a) you are your own worst critic; b) almost everyone is going to be focused on the bride and the groom; and c) the few women who will really look at the bridesmaids are doing so because they themselves have been forced into hideous bridesmaids dresses at some point in their lives! And you are absolutely right: this is a process, and you are doing the best you can. I'll be pulling for you this weekend.
ReplyDeleteRemember - a wedding is ALL about the bride! ;) Everyone there should be focusing on her, her new hubby and how happy and wonderful they are together.
ReplyDeleteAs easy as it is to say and hard as it is to do, try not to focus on what others think. Love yourself because you're an amazing person, regardless of weight. Be proud knowing you're consciously making an effort to become healthier. That you are taking care of yourself and that you're still just at the beginning of a long, amazing journey. That you're doing it the RIGHT way - which is never the quick way, but will last much longer.
*bug hugs*
Just would like to add that the Bridesmaid dress doesn't look horrible on everyone! I am sure the otter girls will look great in whatever they wear. I am just hoping people are so focused on the bride that they don't notice me.
ReplyDeletePeople will absolutely be focused on the bride, and ok so maybe it might not be the right cut or colour or whatever it is that you particularly don't like about but I am certain it doesn't look nearly as bad as you think it does. We are so critical with ourselves it is criminal. I once wore a shiny lemon yellow bridesmaid dress trimmed in scratchy white lace, yummy :-)
ReplyDeleteWe are all a work in process, you're doing well!