It has been hard transitioning home... The food has been hard, I haven't been to a meeting every day like I am supposed to, but the worst thing about being home is the loneliness.
I know if I call OA contacts or reach out to people, I will feel better. But, in the moments when I feel gut-renchingly lonely, I am too upset to speak to anyone or do anything except cry. It also usually happens late at night when I don't want to disturb anyone.
I am having a lot of trouble not relying on my parents through all of this. I am 25 but I still feel like I am 15... When I am upset I just want my mom. I spoke to my therapist about this last week and she basically told me that at treatment I detoxed off of food, but now I have to learn how to not be codependent with my parents and that is the hardest part. She said this would be harder than the food stuff. Actually throughout all of this, I have been thinking that my life sucks because I cannot have my family OR food to soothe me. I was okay at treatment because I was never ever alone. At treatment, they did not teach me to be ok by myself.
I feel so conflicted. When I feel good, I feel really good. But, when I feel bad I really really feel low. I have had one bingey episode with peanut butter since I have been home but have otherwise kept the meal plan. I have been okay about working out but haven't done it every day. I have gone to about 5 meetings in the 10 or so days I've been home. I still don't have a temporary sponsor. Sometimes I think I should go back to treatment. Could I already be relapsing this early?
For the past two nights I took Tylenol PM because I was so upset that all I could do was sleep. On Saturday I napped all day because I didn't want to spend another day alone. I have truly been struggling. How much struggling is normal though?