It has been hard transitioning home... The food has been hard, I haven't been to a meeting every day like I am supposed to, but the worst thing about being home is the loneliness.
I know if I call OA contacts or reach out to people, I will feel better. But, in the moments when I feel gut-renchingly lonely, I am too upset to speak to anyone or do anything except cry. It also usually happens late at night when I don't want to disturb anyone.
I am having a lot of trouble not relying on my parents through all of this. I am 25 but I still feel like I am 15... When I am upset I just want my mom. I spoke to my therapist about this last week and she basically told me that at treatment I detoxed off of food, but now I have to learn how to not be codependent with my parents and that is the hardest part. She said this would be harder than the food stuff. Actually throughout all of this, I have been thinking that my life sucks because I cannot have my family OR food to soothe me. I was okay at treatment because I was never ever alone. At treatment, they did not teach me to be ok by myself.
I feel so conflicted. When I feel good, I feel really good. But, when I feel bad I really really feel low. I have had one bingey episode with peanut butter since I have been home but have otherwise kept the meal plan. I have been okay about working out but haven't done it every day. I have gone to about 5 meetings in the 10 or so days I've been home. I still don't have a temporary sponsor. Sometimes I think I should go back to treatment. Could I already be relapsing this early?
For the past two nights I took Tylenol PM because I was so upset that all I could do was sleep. On Saturday I napped all day because I didn't want to spend another day alone. I have truly been struggling. How much struggling is normal though?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I heard someone at an OA meeting talk about bouts of loneliness and that she tried to remind herself that she is never alone, that HP is always there. Sometimes I feel debilitating-ly lonely too. I'm working on conceptualizing my higher power, but until then the people in OA are my HP. They do for me what I cannot do for myself and sometimes that's simply being without picking up. Big hugs!
ReplyDeleteI think that my higher power is the fellowship as well. Thats what I said at treatment at least. Now, I am thinking I need to completely start over with the steps now that I am home. Just need to find a sponsor... :)
ReplyDeleteI understand the lonely thing, evenings are worst for me and when I sabotage my efforts really badly with emotional and compulsive eating. I have had a dreadful evening but I try to tell myself tomorrow will be different. Maybe having a sponsor in these moments will help...having a turn to person, a friend or someone who understand can really help.
ReplyDeletebe strong girl... i feel you about the parent issue. my last post as a matter of fact was about how all i want to do it run home and cry in my moms arms. and i'm almost 23. so you're not the only one. you can do this. you have the tools and information, you can do this!! i agree with the other gals, find that sponsor and i know it will help.
ReplyDeletesending you tons of love,
Jocey
When my husband got out of rehab for his pain pill addiction... he went through the same thing. Even though I was in the house with him, he felt like he was still alone because what he went/was going through wasn't something I understood or his family understood. He was eventually able to find a permanent sponsor that totally changed everything for him. It may be a different kind of loneliness... but I think you could solve yours similarly. Definitely find a sponsor.. and then do things for fun that you like to do for YOU. Things that you couldn't do with others around, like read or something. Good luck, you'll get through this. You have the tools to do it!
ReplyDelete