Thursday, August 19, 2010

Having Trouble Two Weeks Later

I have been having a lot of trouble since my last post. I have binged almost every day (peanut butter, carbs, sushi, cheese, smoothies- you name it) and not kept my meal plan at all. I have also been crying and lonely and feeling hopeless.... And I have only been home from treatment two weeks today. Brilliant...

Today I visited a 3/4 house in my city to see if it would work for me. I hated it. The girls had a lot of visible trigger foods around the kitchen.. Ice cream, cereal, breads, etc... It also seems like most all of them are there for alcohol or drugs. It didn't strike me as the most comfortable place.

Tomorrow I am looking into another outpatient program. I hope it's good.

I am thinking about even going back into residential treatment somewhere. I know that would be really hard on me and my job (I would probably lose it) but I don't know what else to do.

So, those are my options. I talked to my HR people and told them I am going back part time starting Monday. I am sure they would not be thrilled if i called and changed my mind.

I am having trouble turning to people for support other than my parents and my parents are trying to keep good boundaries and not answer my calls or texts if they know I am sad. I don't feel comfortable enough to call random O A people in hysterics. I think I talked about this yesterday. So, basically I feel alone all the time. I have like three friends left in my city and they don't want to hear me bitch and moan all the time. So, hence my sadness. This has caused me the most grief, not the food.

I haven't gone to a meeting since Tuesday. Why go to meetings if you are driving through McDonalds and eating like shit? I know the answer to that but I am just having issues with the 12 steps and OA right now. Maybe I am just not ready to recover. I don't know.

Sorry for all of the rambling and complaining. I hope this whole blog doesn't seem that way. On second thought, I don't really care. I am doing this for ME, myself and I! This is MY journal, my blog, my place to vent!!

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