Thursday, April 29, 2010

I Cant Stop Eating.

Food today:
-Prepackaged taco diet meal
-Bagel and cream cheese
-Vanilla cupcake with green icing

-Prepackaged Chinese food diet meal
-Four giant scoops of banana pudding
-Mini cheesecake square
-Chocolate cookie

-Wendy's spicy chicken sandwich
-Two Wendy's medium fries
-Medium Wendy's chocolate milkshake
-Two peanut butter cookies
-Pita with hummus
-100 calorie snack pack

Enough said...

Good Days are Ahead

I actually haven't written in a few days because I have been feeling a lot better- who would have thought!

Tonight I went to a young adults meeting at my place of worship and had a great time. There were a lot if other young adults my age there and everyone seemed excited to get involved. I am excited because this might be something for me to get involved in. It would be a nice way to pass the time and also meet people.

Anyway, my eating has been ok. I am still eating those premade fresh meals and they are really good (much better than my fit foods). I haven't been doing perfect but probably still better than binging.

Today i had the premade meals for bfast and lunch. After lunch I was still hungry so I had a big, wonderful peanut butter and nutella sandwich. I know I shouldn't have eaten it but nutella is my weakness and it was in the office calling my name! For dinner I just had french onion soup. Right now I am starving but it's 2 am and I can't sleep, so I am trying not to eat.

I feel like I am eating better though which makes me excited. On a bad day I would eat horribly at every meal and then also binge.

One month till I am a bridesmaid. I am getting really anxious about standing up infront of a crowd, being so social, having pictures tagged of me on facebook... I don't want everyone in the world to think "wow what happened to her."

I finally talked to A about those texts from my last post. She was actually really nice and supportive and even said that if I didn't want to be a bridesmaid (because I am dealing with so much right now) that she would understand. Ofcourse the negative part of me thinks that maybe she is embarrassed to have me stand next to her on stage on the biggest day of her life. Oh well- I am trying to push that thought to the back of my head.

Yay for two full days of NO TEARS and semi- good eating!!!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Sundays are not Fun Days

Yesterday was bad. It was the first time I had been to my apartment in a week. I spent all day laying around and watching The Hills. I binged at dinner time and ordered two cheese ravioli meals from this Italian restaurant by my apartment and extra breadsticks. I do that meal as a binge often. I then felt bad about it and went to my parents house. They were still out to dinner, and I binged even more and ate about 10 of the peanut butter cookies I baked on Friday while I waited for them to get home. I felt really lonely because I didn't talk to anyone all day. I slept there and felt horribly full. Awesome.

Today, I tried to start the day out right. I had a maid come clean my apartment, went to this diet place that cooks fresh packaged meals to try out some of them at the beginning of this week, got a manicure/pedicure, and then got a 30 min massage. I felt really good, like I was finally up and moving.

For breakfast, I had a Yoplait Light Yogurt (110 calories) and then at lunch I ate one of the meals that I bought and it was actually good (320 calories). After, I wanted something sweet so I had a jello pudding (60 calories). I also weighed myself this afternoon and I am at 203 lbs.

I haven't dieted like this in months. I have been rebelling to my life of dieting by eating everything in sight.

Anyway, I got home this afternoon and really tried to make some plans for tonight (like a movie) so I wouldnt be all alone. Nobody accepted.

L said she was trying to save money until her next paycheck..
S and LL were going to family dinners
J was also going to a family dinner because her sister is about to leave town.

Then, I got a few texts from A (a college friend who lives in another city) that made me really upset.

Last Tuesday
Me: Hey. Not having a good day/week. Let me try to call you tomorrow.
A: Ok... I am here for you
Me: Hey. I haven't gone to work all week and had a bad reaction to a medication which is why I haven't called you back. I'll call you this weekend.
(no response)
Me: Very cute rehearsal dinner and bridesmaid's lunch invitations!
(no response)
Sunday (today)
Me: Have you been getting my texts?
A: Got yours about not feeling well and calling me on fri, that didn't happen.
Me: Huh? Sorry, I have been really sick since last Saturday. Today was the first time I even left the house.
A: I am glad you are feeling better. Whats up?
Me: I said I would call you this weekend.. and haven't felt good enough to get ou. of bed until today. Just saying hi.
(no response)

So basically, this made me really annoyed. I am supposed to be A's good friend and she has NOT been there for me at all through any of this. I am tired of this, especially because I was there for her so much in college. I know she has big things going on in her life, but when I needed a friend she wasn't there...
I know that this was all through text, but I just really don't want to call her. She needs to call me. Am i stubborn?

Now, it is 4:52 pm and I am starving, but don't want to eat until dinner. My friends don't want to hang out with me tonight, I don't feel like calling any long-distance friends and telling them about how miserable my life has been, my parents are probably sick of me, and I have nothing to do. I guess I will go watch more TV and try to NOT EAT! Sundays are the worst!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Two Hundred Sit Ups

Have any of you bloggers every heard of this? I thought maybe I would look into it because it is SO not me...

Friday, April 23, 2010

One. Day. At. A. Time.

Well, even though I didn't go to work, I felt a little better today and helped my mom get ready for a dinner we had tonight with some family friends. I made artichoke dip and peanut butter cookies. It was actually fun to make everything and get ready. During the dinner I felt a bit off though. I kept looking at myself in the mirrors that surround our dining room, thinking about how horrible, fat, and sick I look. I tried not to think about it but it was hard to ignore. How can I try to feel better when I look in the mirror and see that??

When I met with my therapist on Thursday we talked about the idea that part of me really just doesn't want to change. Ofcourse I am upset and want to lose weight and everything, but maybe there is something more to this- a reason I am holding onto this weight and depression. Maybe it is for attention and I want my mom to finally see me and see that I AM depressed and unhappy. I know that's sick, but something like this is keeping me from making changes. More on this another day.

I really feel a sense of loss that I know I will have to go back to my aparment on Sunday and go back to work and get back into the swing of real life. It has been really nice to have some TLC from my parents this week... I shouldn't feel this way. I am 25! I went to college far away, lived abroad, etc.. What is wrong with me? Why am I having so mug trouble living my life?

Tonight I also had a really sad thought. What if I don't find someone to marry and end up alone? What will I do and who will I have when I am all alone and my parents get old? What if I can't find anyone to marry in the next 10-15 years and then become too old to have children? I am not sure if this is something I should just push to the back of my mind, but I am getting worried.

I also keep thinking about how my blog is absolutely so depressing not inspiring like some of the other ones Ive read out there. I am doing this for me though... So I know I need to just keep on doing this and keep reading those positive blogs that I admire. Maybe one day I can turn it all around and be like those bloggers too.

I just need to remember... One. Day. At. A. Time.

Thursday, April 22, 2010


Well, this hasn't been my best week. After another yuck weekend ending up crying at my parent house, I missed work and told my psych. that I clearly was on the wrong medication. Unfotunately, I had a bad reaction to coming off of the medicine cold turkey and have had headaches and nausea since. So, I haven't gone to work all week. I hope they don't fire me. I talked to my psych. this morning and he said it was withdrawl and gave me a lower dose of the old meds. to slowly wayne (sp?) me off of them. My head feels better, but I feel sad. Is it possible for the medicine to even do that so quickly? I am so tired of this. I did nothing except lay in bed all week but it has been such a long week. I feel so stressed and down and hopeless.

Everyone keeps saying that I need to do things for myself to get better, but I feel so depressed that I cant even make myself get there or do anything.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day :(

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Julie and Julia

I just watched Julie and Julia and LOVED it! What a great story.

It made me realize though that I never really learned how to cook because I was always dieting growing up.

I really want to learn to cook.

Anyone relate?

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Fatty Deposit Goes To Dinner

So I am about to go out to dinner with a few of my friends because one of them has a college friend in town. I told them I wouldn't go out after, but would come to dinner. That's pretty big for me.

I am ready with makeup on and my hair done. It does feel a little better to have my hair done because haven't straightened it in a while (usually I just throw it up in a ponytail). I did get ready and use makeup everyday in my skinny days... Now it is much more rare. Anyway, I am wearing a cotton sleeveless dress (one of the few that still fits me) with spanx (story of my life) and my flabby arms are out in the open. I hope nobody stares.

Background on my flabby arms: I lost a LOT of wait a few years ago and spent most of my college days as a skinny girl. Then, when I gained everything back in the last two years, the arm fat came back in this weird, lumpy way... I have a lump of fat on my right arm (not on my left). I used to joke and call it a "fatty deposit" before it got really big. This is obviously not going to be cute in the bridesmaid dress.

Anyway, I am going to try to have a good night despite my "fatty deposit" and my jealously of my cute friends who will show up wearing their cute designer outfits.

Earlier today, I went with my mom to get the bridesmaid dress altered one last time (I look horrible in it) and then we each got pedicures. After the nail place, I went back to my apartment and took a nap: I sleep way too much.

More tomorrow.


Friday, April 16, 2010

Is This Really Anonymous?

I have a weird inkling that nothing on the internet is secret. I really want to write in this blog and spill my guts (and I have), but I am scared that this blog will somehow be linked back to me. With background checks and internet tracking, am I really ok to blog freely (and anonymously)? Should I go ahead and delete this blog right now while I am still safe? I saw that 180 people have checked out my ramblings and although I am really doing this for me, its great to get comments and let others know that they aren't alone out there.

Let me know what you think!

You Can Make it Through

I saw this on Miss Molly's blog and liked the words. Shout out to her and her inspiring words of wisdom.


It's almost as if I don't want to change.
Yesterday I was really into FEELING better. At this point I need to try to not worry about my weight and just try to do things that make me happy. I am picking fights with my friends for not inviting me places but I am too depressed to go anyway. I came home today crying because I just feel like shit. Everyone has a best friend or boyfriend and I am all alone. It's hard to be around happy people.

On my drive home I tried to think about all of the things that are good in my life and I couldn't think of that many. I am unhappy with my life, my job, my friends, my body- everything. But, when I think about changing my life, it just seems impossible. How can I do it LIKE THIS?

The old me was so strong. I can't even accept plans right now because I know I will feel bad and bail. Nevertheless, I went out to dinner with some coworkers last night (which was a big step) and felt fat and gross. Why would any if these strangers want to get to know me? There's nothing interesting going on in my life. All I do is work, sleep, and watch tv.

Ughhh.. Why am I doing this to myself?

Saturday, April 10, 2010


Tonight I feel sad and lonely. I wish I felt good enough to go out with friends.

Weekends are so hard for me. All week I look forward to them but when they are here, it's really hard. I am not busy like I am on work days and I feel a lot of pressure to be social (which I always reject and take a nap or binge).

Today I did see an old friend for a little while. She was telling me about the guy she got set up with. It was hard for me to sit there and be happy for her because I was really jealous. I don't even have a tiny bit of that in my life. Let's just say that it has become out of the ordinary for me to do anything with a friend except go out to eat (to a place where I know I won't see many people).

My friends just don't get me or even seem to want to. Everyone is busy with their own lives.

I am really depressed. No matter how much medicine I take or therapy I go to, I just can't shake it. It follows me everywhere.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Love/Hate Relationship

Things I hate about being overweight:
  • Plus size clothing is only made for frumpy old women
  • My friends talk about cute designer clothes and I feel awful
  • Boys don't give me the time of day
  • Even if a guy did like me, I would be too embarrassed to ever be naked infront of him
  • My stomach rolls over my jeans when I sit down
  • Stretch marks
  • When I wear a skirt and walk to much, my theighs rub together
  • I have fatty lumps on my arms and can't wear sleeveless tops in the summer
  • My ankles and wrists are swollen
  • I can't get the expensive ring that my mom got me to slide off of my big fat finger and now I might have to get it cut off
  • The way skinny people look at me like I am disgusting
  • The way that people look at me in public when I am eating something unhealthy, thinking "she really should ony be eating salads."

Things I like about being overweight:
  • I have something to hide behind, a reason to be unhappy
  • I feel like it's almost okay to binge because I am already fat anyway
  • I can stay home on a Saturday night and just chill. Less pressure to be social
  • I am very understanding of people with different physical features because I know how hard it is to be a fat person in today's society- how you look does not determine who you are

And so here goes another Friday night alone in my apartment with nothing but my thoughts...

Two Hundred

This makes me very sad.anxious.depressed.unhappy.unmotivated.tearful.alone.drained.discouraged

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

For Obese People, Prejudice in Plain Sight

Check this out:

All I Need is Love

Will anyone ever love me? Its a question that I think about everyday. When I was skinny, for a brief time, I was popular, guys liked me, and I was the center of attention. I wore trendy clothes, went out, and lived freely. Now, I try not to go out in public where I see people I know. I always back out of plans because I am too embarrassed that people will say “wow, what happened to her?” or “look how much weight she has gained.” I know my true friends don’t care, but it still bothers me. It is a very, very small world and I don’t want the same people who said “wow, you look amazing” when I weighed 125 to see me and judge me.

I always wonder if I will become a cat lady: all alone at 90 years old with nobody except 293 gross, hairy cats (and I HATE cats).

Part of me feels like nobody wants to meet me because of how I look. The other part of me realizes that I don’t let anyone in because I hide myself and my body from everyone. How could I possibly even meet someone new?

I want to get married (eventually), have kids, raise a family, etc... I am worried that I will be stuck in this horrible binging-cycle my entire life and that I will never meet anyone.

I haven’t even dated many people and I am in my mid twenties. How am I going to know if whoever I meet is HIM?

A coworker just joined and she is loving it. I wish I could put myself out there, but what picture would I use? Who would want to date me? What would I even say about myself? I know I would be let down because nobody would message me.

I very much realize that nobody will love me until I love myself. Unfortunately, I haven’t loved myself for a long time. My twenties are flying by very quickly and I feel like I am letting my life pass me by.

Can you relate?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Hitting the Spot

Yesterday was not a good day. I reluctantly asked my boss to leave work early to go with my mom to hear about a weigh loss program at a hospital in my city. She said “fine” and I went to my car at 3:30 to be at the hospital’s orientation at 4. And what happened next? I backed into a car in my office parking garage! ahhh! It was bad. Ofcourse, the car I hit was a LEXUS and not a crappy toyota. I left a note on the back of my business card and left. After the orientation, which I will write about next, I got a call from the lady whose car I hit. She said the fact that I left her a note with my information and didn’t just drive away was admirable and that I “restored her faith in humans.” It made me feel really good, but  also can’t believe that I now owe her over $1,000 in damages. Ughhh. What a bummer.

Now for the hospital weight loss program orientation: It made me feel physically ill. The program is the type for really seriously obese people. They only accept you in your BMI is over 30 (mine is) and if you are recommended by a doctor. During the program, you are monitored by doctors as you ruin your life by only drinking four gross shakes each day (NO food other than the shakes). Those 800 calories put your body into ketosis.

According to wikipedia, ketosis is a state characterized by elevated levels of ketone bodies in the blood, occurring when the liver converts fat into fatty acids and ketone bodies.

Basically they explained (in better words) that you starve yourself until your body starts to smell, you are fatigued, and you lose your hair. Those are the symptoms anyway. You lose 3-5 lbs per week and then you slowly add back food 3-4 months later. Hearing about all of this made me nauseous. Haven’t I had enough dieting throughout my life? This is like every diet I have ever done but 100 times worse.

During the orientation, it took a lot for me to hold back my tears. How did I get here? How can people really do this to themselves? One of the orientation presentation slides said that you should not do the program if you are under 18, pregnant, or have BINGE EATING DISORDER. Clearly.

When I left the orientation, I was hysterical. At first, I was mad at my mom. Why would she put me through something like this? I know she didn’t know much about the program, but just hearing about it made me extremely anxious and sad. I told her that I thought she just wanted me to loose weight. Part of me didn’t mean it, but part of me really did... My parents just don’t get what I need right now. I guess even I don’t get what I need. I am just reaching out for help because I can’t do this on my own. I need the emotional part much more than the nutritional.

I ate really well for the past two days (i.e. no big binges) because I slept at my parents house and was never alone. I got home tonight to my apartment and binged big time on Chinese food (chicken with veggies, hot and sour soup, chicken fried rice). I feel gross. Yuck.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

I Forgive You

I'm not upset with my dad anymore. My mom said that everyone in out family is dealing with this in different ways and I agree with her. I don't think my dad understands this whole thing; he isn't the mushy, feelings-sharing type. I think he just didn't know how to express himself last night and he doesnt get whats going on. He went to sleep really early and I could tell he was upset. Deep down, I know he loves me more than anything and supports me.

Today I woke up at 11 am and I have been really trying to eat somewhat healthy and not binge. Last night made me really exausted. I fell asleep early and slept late and I'm still tired.
I'll write more later.

Study: Self-help effective for binge eating

Saw this on CNN today and thought it was interesting... Study: Self-help effective for binge eating

Saturday, April 3, 2010

When will this end?

Tonight my dad basically told me that he didn't believe that I had an eating disorder. He said it didn't matter how much I was trying with therapy... He said trying didn't count. He said that only actions counted. He said I didn't diet or get any excersize so I couldn't complain about my weight or how I feel. I guess he is right but the whole conversation felt very unsupportive.
Just like last weekend, I'm spending Saturday night at my parents house upset about everything.
I started the day by getting a facial which was really nice and relaxing. Then I went with my mom to the bridesmaid dress place and they said they could take out the dress 2 inches. Thank god.
It was really hard for me to go into the store and explain that the dress was too small. I had a lt of anxiety about just going there. On the way home I told my mom that I felt really bad, like I wasn't getting better. I told her that I wasn't sure that things would ever get better... I feel really pessimistic about everything. So I cried, she cried, and here I am again sleeping in the room I grew up in, while my friends are all at a bar without me.