Saturday, October 30, 2010

Sad Day

My grandfather passed away yesterday. He was almost 93 years old.

It's been a tough and strange 24 hours. Wish I could write more, but will have to do so later.


Tuesday, October 26, 2010

A Great Answer to a Common Question

In the blog Recover, Leora Fulvio answers the question "if I can't diet, how can I lose weight?' Her answer rocks. 

"Rather than trying to change it into something different, rather than disliking it the way it currently is, let yourself love it, no matter what size and shape it is. Your body deserves love no matter what it looks like. It’s your body, the only one you got. So take care of it. "

"When you take care of your body and your mind in a deliberate and loving way, you will find that your body weight naturally finds its right place. This isn’t a diet, this is thinking about the rest of your life and your body in a positive way. Strengthening it for the long haul!"

Click here to check it out more. That's just an excerpt!

Today's Blessings

1. I was in a bad mood in the morning and got over it. Why? I went to lunch with my coworkers and got my mind off of my stressful job.

2. I skipped my therapy group to relax. Why? I knew I was exhausted and needed a night off. It was good to watch tv and just "veg."

3. I crossed some things off of my to do list. Why? I felt motivated to make the list smaller.

I did binge today, but other than that it was an okay day. I hadn't binged in DAYS and that made me feel restless and anxious. I was tired and didn't want to figure out dinner so I just ordered Chinese, which is always a bad idea.

Along with my food monitoring, I am weighing once a week, every Tuesday morning. Since last week, I have gained two pounds. That's a bummer since I binged less this week.

Anyway, I'm exhausted and gotta go to sleep.

How was your day? What blessings did you notice today and why did they happen? Did you binge?

Monday, October 25, 2010

Today's Positives

Some great things happened today

1. I didn't binge
2. I made my bed this morning
3. I had great sushi for lunch
4. I wore a cute new shirt to work
5. I called a college friend
6. I monitored my food all day!

What positive things did you do today?

Blogger Question! HELP!

Question for all of you tech-savvy bloggers out there:

How do you export a blogspot blog to a PDF document? I want to save an old blog and then delete it offline. Any help would be greatly appreciated!


Sunday, October 24, 2010

Family Time and Getting Rid of Baggage

This weekend was a good one because I spent a lot of time with my family. I also feel a lot better than I did last weekend. I think my new meds are kicking in. The whole weekend was pretty positive except for friday night when I found myself in a bar social situation and felt bad about my appearance compared to all of the other skinny, well-dressed girls. I left and everything was okay though. Whew. Not easy.

Today I went to my parents house and got rid of all my skinny clothes from college (size 6, 8, 10) to make room for the size 12, 14, and some 16s that don't fit. It is hard to wake up every day to clothes that don't fit. I need only size 16 and 18 in my closet so i don't become sad every morning when I open my closet. I am trying to clean out my life and get rid of the baggage- in more ways than one! I thought it would be more depressing than it was but I was actually okay. I kept thinking about how I was not WELL at size 6. I was taking a lot of prescription diet pills. I did not get there in a healthy way. Anyway, today I even sold a few items at Buffalo Exchange and gave some items to a skinny friend. Watching the size 6s be too big on her was a little hard because during that skinny time in my life she was a good friend. I feel so distant from her and that part of my life now. The biggest loss is the cute clothes. Oh the designer jeans and amazing tops. :( back to my plus size wardrobe.

I did not monitor my food this weekend. I did good Tuesday- Thursday but then everything ended. I didn't binge this weekend because i was with my family, but definitely overate. Tonight I sat down and recorded today's food, but I know I need to record my food right after I eat it along with my feelings so that u can notice patterns in my eating and my feelings. I'm getting back on track tomorrow.

How was your weekend?

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

100th Blog Post

Wow. My last post was such an impulse post. It is crazy how fast I go from miserable to okay.

Although I did not binge today and monitored my food all day (hooray!), I had a really hard night. I felt bad about the state of my life, my friends, and my body. I went to my parents house for an hour and was hysterical. I called both my therapist and psychiatrist at 8:30pm. Now, I feel a little better because I got all of the pain and anger out (and it wasn't pretty) but i'm absolutely exhausted. I guess it took a lot out if me to be so upset.

I am worried that I am transferring all of my stress and depression to my parents, especially my mom. I tell her horrible things about how I am feeling. I know when I am doing badly she doesn't sleep. I don't know how to handle this. I need her but I don't know if it's better to hide my feeling from her so that I don't stress her out. I don't even known if I can do that though because I rely on her so much for support.

Why is every day so freakin' hard? When will this get easier?


Bad day/night. I hate my life.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Fat Talk Free Week

I saw this awesome video over at A Weight Lifted and I really wanted to share it with all of you. Although I would have never expected Tri Delt to promote this (in college, tri delts were all beautiful, blond, and thin), I think its a great idea. To read for about their Fat Talk Free campaign, click here.

My Goal For The Week

My goal this week is to monitor what I eat- write down what I eat and how I am feeling when I eat it.

I have had a lot of trouble doing this in the past. I start doing it every week with good intentions. Usually, I quit and then blame it on my busy schedule or my forgetfulness, but the real reason is that I an ashamed of what I eat, how much I binge, and how sad I really am. Who wants to monitor that? Talk about depressing!

But, this is the first step in getting better and analyzing my binge patterns.

Wish me luck :) !

Weekend Blues

This weekend was not a good one. I was sick in bed and missed work today. It made me depressed and sad. I have cried a lot in the past few days and slept at my parents house last night. I feel like I am drowning.

I am really worrying my parents and i feel like they don't know what to do with me anymore or how to react.

I'm reading "overcoming binge eating" by Christopher Fairburn and it's pretty amazing. I am going to start the self help section tomorrow by monitoring my food intake. Hopefully that will be a good first step to get me back into the swing of things. Like every other Tuesday, I have my dietitian before work tomorrow and my therapy group right after work. Long day.

How was your weekend?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

My Rant on Residential Treatment- Shades of Hope

Today has been a roller-coaster of a day. I was happy, sad, stressed, calm, and anxious all in the same day.

I found out that one of the girls in my group also went to Shades of Hope for residential treatment and had the same upsetting results (relapse soon after, aversion to 12 steps, more perfectionistic tendencies, etc...). It was interesting to talk to her because she looks and sounds like she is doing great now, but was not doing so well after she attended treatment three years ago. She said that Shades was ineffective and really just brought her down and taught her that she had to be perfect with her meal plan and with her recovery (obviously not smart thinking for someone with an eating disorder - recovery is about learning to be imperfect). Shades taught me that unless I was perfect, I was not okay. And, that didn't end well with my black or white thinking. My little failures = big relapses. Shades did NOT teach me how to deal with the real world. At treatment, we discussed past life events, but not how those events connected to our lives today. We talked about our feelings but did not try any alternative therapies. At treatment, I did not learn how to eat intuitively (or how to deal with food at all for that matter - we only had ONE nutrition class in the entire 38 days I was there). I also learned many negative messages that really hurt me still: that I am sick, I will always have this disease and am powerless over it, that making mistakes is unacceptable, and that the 12 Steps are the only way to achieve recovery. I left Shades on a "diet." Even though some of the clients called it "Shades of Hell," I did come out of it in a better place... I felt okay for the first day or two when I got home until I quickly realized that I had learned nothing about how my new binge-free life would be or how to deal with my issues. In other words, the aftercare aspect of treatment was nonexistent at Shades.

I know a big part of my relapse is me and my actions, but it was nice to hear that my friend in my group had the same experience and that it wasn't me alone. My old therapist (from home) used to say that it wasn't Shades and that all treatment "wasn't fun." Well, my story was a bit different than just "not being fun."

I have realized a lot of things since I've been back and have had some distance. Did any of you have a similar experience your residential treatment center (or at Shades of Hope specifically?)

Monday, October 11, 2010


BINGE: Loss of control - disgust - rapid - trance-like - secret - quick - hidden - physical health - low quality of life - "forbidden" foods - calories - fat - size - numb - guilt - weight - alone - shame - relief - hopeless - unhappy - consequences - cycle - diets - obese - shape - embarrassment - social anxiety - food - obsession - extremes - failure - ill - empty - depressed - unattractive -  repulsive - huge - mood swings - anger - anxious - tension - perfectionism - food - sweets - soothing - tears.

Sunday, October 10, 2010


I feel sad. I'm not really sure why or what brought this on. I also feel like I never post anything on this blog when I'm happy so you readers must think I'm a party pooper. The fact that you didn't hear from me for a few days is a good sign in fact.

Anyway. I just wanted to say it and put it out there so maybe i feel better. I'm sad at this very moment. I binged tonight. I am dreading work tomorrow. :( that is all.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Another Day

Getting dressed for work every morning is disheartening. So, I ordered some clothes online, received then, and nothing fit. Now I feel panicked to loose weight. I am already 25 and have wasted most of my 20s being miserable in my body. I don't have much more time to waste if I want to get married and be a young mom. Crazy thought, I know, but nobody wants to date a fat girl and I am a fat girl who can't find cute clothes or a date. So, I always ruminate that nobody will ever love me because of my weight. And that's probably going to be true if I don't learn to love myself. So, instead of bingeing about how anxious and upset this makes me, I am writing in this blog. I guess that's a little victory because it's been a hard week.

This morning I ate a lot. Basically two breakfasts. One on the way to work and one at work. I was stressed and felt yucky. At lunch I had tree pieces of pizza. Dinner was fine, but i still feel like a huge ass pig. This is not atypical. The breakfast fiasco I mean. I know I am not supposed to diet and to eat intuitively, but I am on the other end of the spectrum sometimes. Sometimes I think I am back to where I was before treatment (except in a lot more debt).

I am dreading the weekend. I hate food on the weekends. It is never good.

Any advice for a size 18+ confused 25 year old?

Monday, October 4, 2010

The Pros and Cons of Bingeing

DBT Assignment #1- The Pros and Cons of Bingeing

-Helps me feel better
-Soothes me
-Takes away my worries and anxiety (although only temporarily)
-I like to eat. A lot.
-It feels good to binge and "let go"
-During binges, I can eat what I want

-Fills me with shame and guilt
-Makes me feel sick and uncomfortably full
-The soothing is only temporary. It lasts a few minutes and then I feel worse than before
-Makes me gain weight
-Waste food and money
-I become sneaky and rushed
-I focus only on the binge and how/where I will do it
-I don't trust myself around food
-I am embarrassed by the way I eat in public.
-Bingeing has SIGNIFICANTLY decreased the quality of my life.

Obviously there are more (and more significant) cons than pros. I am going to read this to my therapist on Thursday and then hang it by my bed to read every day.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Plus Size Halloween

It sucks. Being overweight on Halloween. It's the absolute worst.

Today I went to a costume warehouse with my skinny friends. It was a miserable experience. There were only 2 or 3 really horrible plus size costumes out of maybe a hundred. I didn't even attempt to try them on. They were horrible. Not a good feeling. I felt quiet and upset.

Nobody wants to be the ugly, chubby girl on Halloween, surrounded by people in sexy, fun costumes!

So, I spent the whole rest of the day in bed and then binged.

Anyone relate?