Thursday, October 7, 2010

Another Day

Getting dressed for work every morning is disheartening. So, I ordered some clothes online, received then, and nothing fit. Now I feel panicked to loose weight. I am already 25 and have wasted most of my 20s being miserable in my body. I don't have much more time to waste if I want to get married and be a young mom. Crazy thought, I know, but nobody wants to date a fat girl and I am a fat girl who can't find cute clothes or a date. So, I always ruminate that nobody will ever love me because of my weight. And that's probably going to be true if I don't learn to love myself. So, instead of bingeing about how anxious and upset this makes me, I am writing in this blog. I guess that's a little victory because it's been a hard week.

This morning I ate a lot. Basically two breakfasts. One on the way to work and one at work. I was stressed and felt yucky. At lunch I had tree pieces of pizza. Dinner was fine, but i still feel like a huge ass pig. This is not atypical. The breakfast fiasco I mean. I know I am not supposed to diet and to eat intuitively, but I am on the other end of the spectrum sometimes. Sometimes I think I am back to where I was before treatment (except in a lot more debt).

I am dreading the weekend. I hate food on the weekends. It is never good.

Any advice for a size 18+ confused 25 year old?


  1. Wish I could look you in the eye and tell you how beautiful, how valuable you truly are. Until you believe you're really worth it, I don't know how you will find any peace.

    You are worth the effort, the time, the work that recovery requires.

    Take a deep breath and try to believe that you're wonderful. Just the way you are.

  2. AND... I encourage you to pray for the willingness to take steps toward recovery. Maybe you don't even believe in God. Fine. Pray to a god that you don't believe in then. Just pray. Just be openminded enough to do that. And if you don't have faith today, I will pray for you. I will have faith for the both of us.

    You will find hope, light and peace. You will recover. Stay with us and keep talking about it.

  3. Hello TBD,

    I just finished reading almost all your posts (can't sleep) and I was really moved mostly because of how alike we are despite some stark differences. I could really relate with your experiences and your depression having been through similar stuff. I won't tell you to "hang in there" or that "everything is fine", all I can say is its okay to feel everything that you feel: guilt, sadness, anger, relief, happiness etc. and that I commend you for being self-aware and committed to yourself enough to be so introspective and being committed to blogging about your experiences.

    I look forward to reading more...

  4. Hi TBD,
    I just stumbled across your blog and read your last post. The advice that I can give you at this point is to take it a day at a time. If you don't achieve your goal today, you have tomorrow to do it. So don't throw away everything b/c of a bad day. A few days ago, I "binge ate" a lot of chocolate and soda. I don't even know why. Perhaps I was stressed or upset. But the next day, I got up and decided that I wasn't going to have a similar day.

    And I didn't.

    Anyway, I'll check out your blog from time to time. Feel free to stop by mine. It's new but you'll see that I'm also trying to tackle the living healthy thing. ;)

    Take care.
    And I hope you enjoyed the weekend !

  5. Thanks for the comments, everyone. Anya and Elle, I will check out your blogs soon!