Sabotage

It's almost as if I don't want to change.

Yesterday I was really into FEELING better. At this point I need to try to not worry about my weight and just try to do things that make me happy. I am picking fights with my friends for not inviting me places but I am too depressed to go anyway. I came home today crying because I just feel like shit. Everyone has a best friend or boyfriend and I am all alone. It's hard to be around happy people.

On my drive home I tried to think about all of the things that are good in my life and I couldn't think of that many. I am unhappy with my life, my job, my friends, my body- everything. But, when I think about changing my life, it just seems impossible. How can I do it LIKE THIS?

The old me was so strong. I can't even accept plans right now because I know I will feel bad and bail. Nevertheless, I went out to dinner with some coworkers last night (which was a big step) and felt fat and gross. Why would any if these strangers want to get to know me? There's nothing interesting going on in my life. All I do is work, sleep, and watch tv.

Ughhh.. Why am I doing this to myself?