I just binged. God dammit. I was doing so well. In fact, from Monday to Thursday afternoon I did great. I kept my meal plan, kept myself busy, and things were looking up.
Here is what happened this afternoon: I went to the dietitian for the first time for my outpatient program that starts Monday. She made me really anxious. She said that the focus of the program was intuitive eating. That is the opposite of what I learned at treatment. At treatment (which followed the 12 steps), I learned that I will always have this disease and that I will always have to be on a food plan, monitoring my intake. The 12 steps taught me that I can never just be alone with food, leave everything to my discretion, and eat what I "feel" like eating. The dietitian told me that the program was about mindfully eating when hungry and not being so "rigid" with a food plan. That confused me. I learned that I was not to be trusted with food. The dietitian told me I could still follow my exchanges, but the whole thing made me very nervous. She even mentioned adding a snack into the middle of my day. At the treatment center, they told us we weren't allowed to do this. I felt my head and my chest get tight. I felt like screaming, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? AFTER EVERYTHING I HAVE LEARNED, YOU ARE SWITCHING UP THE RULES ON ME?"I know there are different treatment methods, but this just made me feel anxious.
Then, I had to go back to the bridesmaids dress alterations place to pick up my dress.... still looked horrible on me. It made me feel like shit. Again. So, I cancelled the yoga class I was supposed to go to with a friend tonight and binged. I think this is what I ate (more or less): 8 sandwich thins, 10 slices of American cheese, 2 slices of cheddar cheese, 2 whole wheat tortillas, salsa, and about two cups of pasta with tomato sauce. I know, it is a weird combination. That is what happens when you only have "healthy" foods at your apartment. I still consumed a lot of calories and feel like shit now. It hasn't even been a whole week since the last time I binged. UGH. I am so frustrated with myself. I feel like I "ruined it."
This new outpatient program scares me. What if everything they teach me is opposite of what I learned at inpatient?
Today, I also felt like I was dieting. I think that is part of the reason I binged. Everything about my new "habits" is similar to my old dieting life (the foods, the tracking, etc...). I still don't have a sponsor. I am terrified that this weekend will be lonely and hard on me. I know I NEED to go to meetings. I hope I make it there. Tomorrow I am going to get coffee with a girl that I met at OA. Hopefully that will be inspiring.
What do you do after a binge to get back on track (emotionally)? How can I make my meal plan NOT feel like a diet?