Saturday, January 15, 2011

A Momentary Lapse

I have had a momentary lapse in my change for the better. Things have been hard lately...really hard with food, because I have been upset.

I don't feel like my friends are there for me. I will sit at home on a Saturday night and nobody will call me. Later, I will hear about how they all went out. In an effort to make plans (so that I am not alone), I ask my friends to go to dinner during the week almost every week. They usually say no and are with their significant others. I know I need to make single friends, but this is still really hard to go through. I sent an email to my friends asking 5 of them to come watch the golden globes Sunday night. Everyone said they had plans... It was late notice, but it still upsets me. I am really trying to reach out, but its hard. I don't want to sit in my apartment alone. And, every now and then when my friends DO want to be with me, I resent them. So, I am spending a lot of time with my parents. Its sad. My mom says it is normal to feel this way and that my friends aren't doing this to hurt me - that they are in different places with their boyfriends/fiancees/husbands, but it is still really hard to be alone so much. Deep down, I know they don't want to hurt me, but I guess it just feels shitty that they aren't there.

I decided I have to stop asking them to get together all the time. I know I am bothering them (no question in my mind). Sometimes, they don't even return my texts. I need to make some new single friends so that I'm not alone. Still, in the meantime, its really hard. I slept at my parents house yesterday and I am there again tonight. I don't know how to meet these new single friends or how this will work. It is really upsetting me and I just can't shake it. Is this how its going to be forever? Are all of my friends going to get married and start having babies while I am fat and unhappy at my parents' house? What happens when my parents get elderly and something happens to them. I will die. Anyway, enough of this tangent...

My eating has been horrible because I've been so upset. I don't even want to rehash it. It hasn't been this bad in a while. My weight is just climbing higher and higher. Last Sunday I went to Weight Watchers, kept it for 1 day (then binged the second day) and then did badly all week. I am going again tomorrow, but I know this isn't working. I don't know what to do. I keep wishing I could go back in time and do my whole life over. No dieting.

I also haven't seen my therapist in weeks. I got tired of rehashing the same things over and over, and I am also trying to save money. It didn't look great that I left work for almost 2 hours every Monday (appointment + commute). AND, I called in sick AGAIN on Friday. That is two weeks in a row. Not good - not good at all.

I am a hot mess.

This week, I am starting a boot camp with my mom. I need to exercise and get healthy or I am going to die. I know that sounds harsh, but its true. Ugh. I hate my life (sorry to be a debbie downer). I am still doing better than I was before... so thats a plus...

5 comments:

  1. Sounds like you are doing it tough at the moment, it's really hard when friends feel like they are in a different space to you, I don't have any words to ease your anguish other than to say I'm sorry, it sucks, I'm in a similar place. It's horrible when people are busy with their secret couple business but something I have realised lately is that the grass is always greener, there are couples out their aching for a Saturday night by themselves, peace and quiet and soul control of the remote!
    Exercise might help bring your mood up a bit, I'm trying to climb back on the horse at the moment too, it's damn hard! Good luck with the boot camp!

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  2. I know it would never compare to going out/spending time with friends, but would it be helpful to have some sort of pen pal/weight loss buddy? I just recently started reading your blog so I'm not sure if you already have something like this going on. But if not, I am looking for someone just to check in with daily via email (or whatever) about weight loss/binge eating, and those sorts of issues. No idea if that would be at all appealing, but sometimes I think some form of contact is better than nothing :) Something to think about anyway.

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  3. I would use this time to think about you. Invest in yourself. Redefine your support system. You will lose weight, get your life on track and have new problems one day. You need friends by your side who support you no matter what. They may have their own resentments. My friends did. When I stopped binging and isolating and was like tah dah I'm here and ready for fun, some did not take it well. They were fed up with friendship being on my terms. As much as I had missed out on doing, I had missed in their lives. A few friendships i worked on and renewed some died out because they needed to.
    I felt lonely, confused and frustrated but just like I had to learn how to lose weight and define healthy for me I had to do it other places to. My social life had to be dealt with. I made new friends, who I really enjoy participating in my life and I in theirs. I had a few months that were quiet but it helped me quit hiding from myself and figuring out what I wanted instead of worrying about what everyone else had. I've been there, it's hard but just do not lose sight of this being part of living on your own terms, not your friends, parents, co-workers, or traveling gypsy caravans...

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  4. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now. The sense of isolation and loneliness really can be intolerable. I'm not sure if you've gone down this road before, so forgive me if I'm off base, but have you looked into intuitive eating at all? There is a great book by that title and I've had several nutritionists who subscribe to the same approach. It wasn't until I understood and believed that eating for recovery from an eating disorder and eating for weight loss are completely incompatible that I began to heal and start down a meaningful road to recovery.

    In any event, I'm sorry you feel let down my your friends; try to remember that it is not a reflection of your worth, but of their lives and demands on their time. Hang in there!

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  5. Hi sweetie, I have awarded you "The Stylish Blogger" award. Please come over and see what you need to do to "claim" it :) x's and o's.

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