I have had a momentary lapse in my change for the better. Things have been hard lately...really hard with food, because I have been upset.
I don't feel like my friends are there for me. I will sit at home on a Saturday night and nobody will call me. Later, I will hear about how they all went out. In an effort to make plans (so that I am not alone), I ask my friends to go to dinner during the week almost every week. They usually say no and are with their significant others. I know I need to make single friends, but this is still really hard to go through. I sent an email to my friends asking 5 of them to come watch the golden globes Sunday night. Everyone said they had plans... It was late notice, but it still upsets me. I am really trying to reach out, but its hard. I don't want to sit in my apartment alone. And, every now and then when my friends DO want to be with me, I resent them. So, I am spending a lot of time with my parents. Its sad. My mom says it is normal to feel this way and that my friends aren't doing this to hurt me - that they are in different places with their boyfriends/fiancees/husbands, but it is still really hard to be alone so much. Deep down, I know they don't want to hurt me, but I guess it just feels shitty that they aren't there.
I decided I have to stop asking them to get together all the time. I know I am bothering them (no question in my mind). Sometimes, they don't even return my texts. I need to make some new single friends so that I'm not alone. Still, in the meantime, its really hard. I slept at my parents house yesterday and I am there again tonight. I don't know how to meet these new single friends or how this will work. It is really upsetting me and I just can't shake it. Is this how its going to be forever? Are all of my friends going to get married and start having babies while I am fat and unhappy at my parents' house? What happens when my parents get elderly and something happens to them. I will die. Anyway, enough of this tangent...
My eating has been horrible because I've been so upset. I don't even want to rehash it. It hasn't been this bad in a while. My weight is just climbing higher and higher. Last Sunday I went to Weight Watchers, kept it for 1 day (then binged the second day) and then did badly all week. I am going again tomorrow, but I know this isn't working. I don't know what to do. I keep wishing I could go back in time and do my whole life over. No dieting.
I also haven't seen my therapist in weeks. I got tired of rehashing the same things over and over, and I am also trying to save money. It didn't look great that I left work for almost 2 hours every Monday (appointment + commute). AND, I called in sick AGAIN on Friday. That is two weeks in a row. Not good - not good at all.
I am a hot mess.
This week, I am starting a boot camp with my mom. I need to exercise and get healthy or I am going to die. I know that sounds harsh, but its true. Ugh. I hate my life (sorry to be a debbie downer). I am still doing better than I was before... so thats a plus...