Charlie's Comment

Charlie at Diary of a Mad Overeater 2.0 left a great comment on my last post. It made me want to get on the computer right away and respond.

"Well, here I am. So even if it's too late, somehow I felt moved to contact you. I would be happy to put you on my list of people to call, believe me. I really believe in talking on the phone as a tool of recovery. I'm experiencing some awesome recovery right now, and I'd be happy to share some of my experience, strength and hope. (What else do I have to share?)  

It's OK that you don't believe in a Higher Power. The reality is that you actually do, you just don't realize it. You acknowledge, I'm sure, that there are things more powerful than you, right? That's the beginning step... Are you or are you not the most powerful being or thing in the Universe? If you're not, then you believe in a Higher Power."

My initial thoughts were that it would feel awkward speaking to a complete stranger on the phone. Then, I thought "maybe Charlie is a nice, jewish, single guy," which was completely overshadowed by "if this stranger were a normal, interesting guy, there would be no chance he would even want to talk to me."


Oiy. Am I crazy or what? Charlie, unfortunately I do not believe in a higher power. I know there is SOMETHING more powerful that me, but that is all I've got. I tried the whole 12 step thing at residential treatment and post treatment, but felt that it was not my thing. I am not religious or spiritual, although I very much connect with my religion culturally. Looking back, the whole thing (the 12 steps, treatment, etc.) felt "fake," like that system of recovery could never work for me. I am trying the intuitive eating thing still and it has been okay. I'm doing fair. But, I am still lacking that social support which the 12 step program offers. I am not ready to go back to OA. I still don't think it actually works. Is that bad do say? I guess this is my own blog so I can be honest.


I am off to read "Dialectical Behavior Therapy for Binge Eating and Bulimia" by Safer, Tech, and Chen. Woooo. :)

Oh yeah. I'm Moving Out

My lease is up in December. My roommate told me she wants to live alone. I do too but it was still hard to hear. My only other option is to move home with my parents which would obviously be extremely unhealthy. So, I will be living alone. I found an awesome apartment, but I am really scared (see last post). Am I ready? To be alone that much? Do I have another choice?

Quit meetings. Don't believe in a higher power. Binged 3 times in the past 7 days. Doing better in some ways and avoiding my issues in others.

Advice?

Feeling Alone

This is how I know I have problems: after having a really good day, I had the thought that when I live alone I could die and nobody would find me for days because not one friend called me today. I reached out to so many people and nobody reached out to me first. Yes, people called me back and i saw people today, but i had to make the calls and make the plans. This is not to say I am going to die or anything don't get the wrong idea. That's just the thought that popped into my head. I feel like every single conversation I had today was a fake one. I don't have friends that call me every day. Nobody cares really how my day was.

Comparing

I can't stop comparing myself to others. Sometimes comparing can be healthy but I am basing my self worth on how I measure up to everyone else. I think everyone is out to get me or leave me out. I often feel like people are doing things to spite me but then find out I was completely wrong and the situation had nothing to do with me. I look at others and always think the grass is greener. I am self centered. Everything is about how situations make me feel.

When will I be ok in my own skin?

On another note, I have been doing pretty well. Bingeing has been a little better and today I signed up for a ten week art class that meets once a week! I have been pushing myself to do more social things. Yay for little steps.

Here We Go Again

I did well all day but kept thinking about bingeing. I put it in the back of my mind and worked out for the third day in a row. But, my willpower started to wane and I ended up having a bad binge tonight. I knew it was coming and even had my group tonight but didn't talk about it. I don't know what the cause was. That was dumb. I should have talked about it anyway. I think I didn't binge yesterday because I spent the afternoon with my mom. My mother = comfort = binge. It seems like I always need one or the other: my mom or food. I am so sick of this whole damn cycle. It is making me CRAZY. How do people LIVE like this?? It seems like there is nothing in my life except bingeing and food.

HELP!

Back in Action

Hi everyone. I haven't written in a while. Things have been crazy busy and I have lots of updates.

1. Wedding- The wedding went great. It was a huge milestone for me. I MADE IT THROUGH THE WEEKEND and I actually had a LOT of fun. There were moments when I felt bad about myself and moments that I wanted to run away, but I stuck it out, laughed and danced with my friends, and made it through. VICTORY! My friends told my mom that I was back to my normal self. I got up and gave a funny rehearsal dinner speech and wore my new cute outfits (thanks, Macys.com).

2. IOP/New Psychologist- I stopped doing the IOP but am continuing to see the psychologist who leads it while my previous therapist is on maternity leave. This new one is awesome. I really like her and am hoping that it is something that will help me. She believes in DBT, intuitive eating, and has a ton of ideas that I never tried at residential treatment. I am meeting with the dietitian tomorrow.

3. Bingeing- Today was the first day that I didn't binge in a while. I would tell you about my binges last week, but I am looking forward and not back.

4. 24 Hour- Yesterday, I joined 24 Hour Fitness. I went to a crazy spinning class with my dad yesterday and to a weights class with my mom today. Both were very hard. I was embarrassed because I was out of shape compared to the rest of the people there, but at least I am trying! TWO DAYS OF GYM IN A ROW! That is so unlike me :) I am trying NEW BEHAVIORS! I guess that is progress :)

 

I also did some other positive things today

• I worked half day and straightened my hair/dressed well
• I was supposed to meet my mom at Nordstroms, but told her I would go alone because it would be unhealthy for us to go together (yay boundaries)
• I worked out!
• I am writing in this blog (finally)!
• I met with my new therapist and felt good about our meeting.

How have you been, fellow readers?

Not a Happy New Year

I can't go to synagogue because I don't have any nice, appropriate clothes that fit. I hate my life..



More about the wedding in my next post...

Wedding Jitters

1. It isn't MY wedding. I am just a bridesmaid

2. It is more than jitters. I am extremely nervous. 

Like I said yesterday, things have been hard lately with food. I think I have binged every day for the past 7 days. Thats scary. I haven't been keeping my food plan at all. I just got SICK of it and then got off track and haven't been able to/tried to get back on track.

Also, to update you on the outpatient program, I started it Monday and Wednesday and did not like it. I was one of TWO people in the "group" which made things hard and the other participant was 15. I am not going to continue the program. I will try to figure something else out and maybe do a lot of therapy myself. I do really like the psychologist there though and I am going to start going to her next week because my old therapist is on maternity leave for the next 12 weeks. 

So, it has been a crazy week with lots of bad habits and some good ones in there also. Here is to hoping/committing to making good decisions this weekend!

Update

Sorry I haven't written. Things have been crazy. Back to bingeing every day. Started IOP and don't like it- not sure if I am going to stick with it. Haven't been to an OA meeting in over a week. Getting very nervous about the wedding. More soon! Xoxo