I took ANOTHER sick day today. I know. It's really bad. I feel so guilty about it. I probably take one sick day every three weeks. I need to get out of this habit.
Anyway, the reason I took the sick day was that i felt like shit because I got no sleep again because of my loud neighbor. This was the third night in a row. I talked to the leasing office today so hopefully they can talk to this guy. I woke up, wrote an email to my boss, and then slept until noon. I did nothing all day. I overate, got lonely, and now I am sleeping at my parents house. I don't feel too depressed or anything, just tired of being alone... I'm frustrated with my job and still feel like my friends don't want to be there for me. I feel like they don't call me. I only see them when I make the effort. In reality, I am probably exaggerating this in my head, but I can't help it. It bothers me.
I had the urge to order Chinese again today (my go-to binge) but i didn't so that is positive.
I feel better after being here like I always do. Being with my mom gives me a boost.
Also, I cancelled my therapy appointment on Monday so I haven't seen my therapist in two weeks because of the holidays. I also haven't seen my dietitian in weeks. I'm okay with that for now though. I probably do have some things I should talk through, but it has been nice to take a break from all of the doctors. It gets exhausting.
Ok. I HAVE to go to work tomorrow. No excuses. At least I know my mom won't let me oversleep and i wont have a loud neighbor tonight.
Sorry for the rambling!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
Laziness and the Motivation to Work Out
Hi All. Today wasn't actually a wonderful day, but I am ok - no worries.
I didn't fall asleep last night until 3:30am because my neighbor in my apartment was being really loud. So, I woke up exhausted. I packed a breakfast and a lunch so that was positive. I got to work and found out that some of my coworkers are leaving the company. Everything seems like it is changing really fast in my work world. By lunch time, I was sick of being at work. It was so hard to be back and I couldn't stop yawning. So, after I ate my lunch, I went to work from home for the afternoon. That didn't go well. I kept falling asleep but was able to wake myself up to check my work email every now and then. It was pretty unproductive. So, now I am worried that I am not going to be able to sleep tonight again because the napping. Oh no. That would be horrible. After I woke up from my nap(s), I watched tv and ordered Chinese food which wasn't good. I thought about just eating a frozen meal (thats all I have in my apartment) but got worried that it wasn't going to be enough food and that I would feel hungry all night (the worst feeling). So, I ate a lot, feel guilty about it, and feel kinda lonely now because I have been in my apartment alone since 1 pm today. I guess I did this all to myself though.
Tomorrow, I will make my breakfast and lunch again and get back with the program, make plans, and not sit around. That is so hard sometimes.
Unfortunately I am just a lazy person. I have always been this way. I would much rather watch TV and read a book than go out sometimes. I love sleeping and naps. A lot of my lack of energy probably has to do with my weight, right?
I would like to begin starting to work out (again) but I hate it. I just really do. Every time I try to make a workout routine, I stick with it for a few days and then quit because I hate it. I also hate that I do it ONLY for weight purposes and not for health at all. I just can't go to the gym and not think about my body image and weight. It just never feels like a positive experience... the skinny people, the big mirrors, the jiggling fat...
I thought about working out tonight actually, but then I thought about how much I ate for dinner. Instead of thinking "I can go work this off," I thought "whatever...I've ruined the night anyway." I kept thinking that there was no point in working out if I had already eaten badly. There I go with my black-or-white thinking again.
So, my question for you is HOW CAN I GET MYSELF TO WORK OUT AND STOP BEING LAZY? Do you work out in the morning or evening? How do you get yourself there? What type of workout do you do? How do you fit it in your work schedule? HELP! I need major advice.
I didn't fall asleep last night until 3:30am because my neighbor in my apartment was being really loud. So, I woke up exhausted. I packed a breakfast and a lunch so that was positive. I got to work and found out that some of my coworkers are leaving the company. Everything seems like it is changing really fast in my work world. By lunch time, I was sick of being at work. It was so hard to be back and I couldn't stop yawning. So, after I ate my lunch, I went to work from home for the afternoon. That didn't go well. I kept falling asleep but was able to wake myself up to check my work email every now and then. It was pretty unproductive. So, now I am worried that I am not going to be able to sleep tonight again because the napping. Oh no. That would be horrible. After I woke up from my nap(s), I watched tv and ordered Chinese food which wasn't good. I thought about just eating a frozen meal (thats all I have in my apartment) but got worried that it wasn't going to be enough food and that I would feel hungry all night (the worst feeling). So, I ate a lot, feel guilty about it, and feel kinda lonely now because I have been in my apartment alone since 1 pm today. I guess I did this all to myself though.
Tomorrow, I will make my breakfast and lunch again and get back with the program, make plans, and not sit around. That is so hard sometimes.
Unfortunately I am just a lazy person. I have always been this way. I would much rather watch TV and read a book than go out sometimes. I love sleeping and naps. A lot of my lack of energy probably has to do with my weight, right?I would like to begin starting to work out (again) but I hate it. I just really do. Every time I try to make a workout routine, I stick with it for a few days and then quit because I hate it. I also hate that I do it ONLY for weight purposes and not for health at all. I just can't go to the gym and not think about my body image and weight. It just never feels like a positive experience... the skinny people, the big mirrors, the jiggling fat...
I thought about working out tonight actually, but then I thought about how much I ate for dinner. Instead of thinking "I can go work this off," I thought "whatever...I've ruined the night anyway." I kept thinking that there was no point in working out if I had already eaten badly. There I go with my black-or-white thinking again.
So, my question for you is HOW CAN I GET MYSELF TO WORK OUT AND STOP BEING LAZY? Do you work out in the morning or evening? How do you get yourself there? What type of workout do you do? How do you fit it in your work schedule? HELP! I need major advice.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Cherry on Top Award
Congratulations!!
Back to Work I Go
It is going to be SO hard to go back to work tomorrow after being off for over a week. It was nice to sleep late, hang out, and have fun. I know that if I didn't have a job I would be bored to tears (and depressed), but I loved not working this week. I know I am probably not the only one ;) When I came back from residential treatment, before I started working again, I was miserable. So, I know working is the best for me... not as if it is really an option anyway.
Are YOU ready to go back to work tomorrow?
P.S. - Just ordered some cute shirts from City Chic! This is the type of plus size clothing I am looking for (or what they have at Forever 21 Plus). Any suggestions are welcome!!
Are YOU ready to go back to work tomorrow?
P.S. - Just ordered some cute shirts from City Chic! This is the type of plus size clothing I am looking for (or what they have at Forever 21 Plus). Any suggestions are welcome!!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
1.1.11 - Just Another Saturday
Hi everyone. Aren't you so proud about how much I've been posting? Yay! I started off the year right by having a good day. I feel very positive about 2011.
Anyway, let me tell you a little about my day. I woke up at noon and then brought lunch over to my brother and a few of his college friends that were visiting. They wanted Chick-Fil-A and I wanted to order more, but I ate my one chicken sandwich and fries and was good. We saw a movie and then for dinner we wen't out for mexican. I ate SO many chips that I felt like my mom kept looking at me. I love mexican and it is so hard to just eat normally at mexican restaurants. I left though and will not eat anything for the rest of the night. One dinner won't hurt me, right? I need to stay away from mexican food.
Now, I am back at my apartment, watching Jersey Shore and listening to the guy in the apartment below me watch a REALLY loud movie... ugh. so annoying.
I talked to a friend yesterday who I met at Shades of Hope. I haven't talked to her since I left and basically she told me that she left MUCH worse than she came in. What a waste of FOUR months. She said the treatment team really brought her down and she did not come out like she expected she would. She also told me that many of the people I was there with had also relapsed and gone to other treatment centers. That is very disturbing. I hate that place and it drives me crazy that Oprah is doing a show about it. I am sure they will make it look way different than it actually is. There aren't many reviews about the treatment center anywhere by previous patients, so I hope others don't make the same mistake by trusting the website like I did or the fru fru Oprah show. Anyway, check out my previous rant about Shades of Hope here (prompted by another former patient who feels the same).
Goodnight, bloggers.
First Post of 2011 - New Year's Eve Recap
Ok. So here is a recap of my super duper exciting New Year's Eve.
I got my hair done just to make myself feel better. The hair lady was new and curled it badly and it fell RIGHT when I got home. I started freaking out because my hair just looked straight and dirty from all of the hair spray she put in. In the end, I just pinned it half up. Sucked though. What a waste.
I went to dinner and it was fine. It was two couples, me, and another single girlfriend. Dinner was so yummy and I ate A LOT. I hope I didn't look like a beast or something. I always worry about what I look like eating to other people because when I eat I really get in a "zone." Anyway, it was fine and all was ok. I took a picture with everyone and then saw it on the camera and it made me feel bad about myself. I tried to push it to the back of my mind.
After dinner, we were supposed to go to a house party that I have been anxious about. After feeling bad about the way I looked, I was doubting going. I really could have gone either way. The old me would have gone home and felt bad about myself. I pushed myself to go to the house party (because I am trying to be positive) and I am glad I did.
At first, the party was awkward. For a moment I actually felt really alone and teared up a little. I got myself together (nobody saw), talked to people, and had an okay time. Everyone was nice (even though I am not BFF with them) and one of my friends even said she might have someone to set me up with! She brought it up! So yay. I hope that works out. I left with another good friend and her husband soon after midnight. They dropped me off at my apartment and here I am.
So, here are some lessons I learned tonight:
1. I need to keep pushing myself to do social things.
2. 2011 WILL be better than 2010 (it can't get much worse)
3. I need to cut all of the anxious shit and HAVE FUN LIVING MY LIFE
4. Nobody likes a Debbie Downer. Even my good friends. They don't want to hear me complain.
5. Wearing flat shoes is definitely the way to go.
Tomorrow is 1.1.11! Have a good one!
I got my hair done just to make myself feel better. The hair lady was new and curled it badly and it fell RIGHT when I got home. I started freaking out because my hair just looked straight and dirty from all of the hair spray she put in. In the end, I just pinned it half up. Sucked though. What a waste.
I went to dinner and it was fine. It was two couples, me, and another single girlfriend. Dinner was so yummy and I ate A LOT. I hope I didn't look like a beast or something. I always worry about what I look like eating to other people because when I eat I really get in a "zone." Anyway, it was fine and all was ok. I took a picture with everyone and then saw it on the camera and it made me feel bad about myself. I tried to push it to the back of my mind.
After dinner, we were supposed to go to a house party that I have been anxious about. After feeling bad about the way I looked, I was doubting going. I really could have gone either way. The old me would have gone home and felt bad about myself. I pushed myself to go to the house party (because I am trying to be positive) and I am glad I did.
At first, the party was awkward. For a moment I actually felt really alone and teared up a little. I got myself together (nobody saw), talked to people, and had an okay time. Everyone was nice (even though I am not BFF with them) and one of my friends even said she might have someone to set me up with! She brought it up! So yay. I hope that works out. I left with another good friend and her husband soon after midnight. They dropped me off at my apartment and here I am.
So, here are some lessons I learned tonight:
1. I need to keep pushing myself to do social things.
2. 2011 WILL be better than 2010 (it can't get much worse)
3. I need to cut all of the anxious shit and HAVE FUN LIVING MY LIFE
4. Nobody likes a Debbie Downer. Even my good friends. They don't want to hear me complain.
5. Wearing flat shoes is definitely the way to go.
Tomorrow is 1.1.11! Have a good one!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Chick-fil-a
Just drove through Chick-fil-A and ate one chicken sandwich and THREE orders of large fries. Yuck. I feel sick and too full.
I am not sure why I did it. I guess I feel lonely and anxious about my New Year's plans.
Last binge of 2010.
I am not sure why I did it. I guess I feel lonely and anxious about my New Year's plans.
Last binge of 2010.
New Year's Resolutions - Happy 2011!
Hi all. Hope you are doing well.
My parents are out of town again for New Year's and I am still feeling a little unsure about it. I know that I am 25, but I am so connected to them (especially my mom) that when they leave town it is hard. I just feel alone. There is no other way to describe it (even though I live alone). I guess I see them a lot. Like I said in previous posts, once I move forward from my food issues, this is something I need to work on. It is hard to have my own life here because I rely on my parents so much. In reality, I like being with my parents a lot more than some of my friends. I know that is codependent and crazy. I guess I haven't really grown up like other people my age because of this eating disorder and my enmeshed relationship with my mom.
On another note, I can't believe tomorrow is already New Year's Eve. I am not excited about my plans. The more I think about it, the more I am nervous because the group of people I will be with are all in a tight group and I feel on the outside when I am with them. I have a few good friends going, but it is weird because I have known a lot of these people for years and we just aren't friends... If they were interested in being friends with me, they could have done so years ago... so it'll be interesting. I am going to dress cute and get my hair blown dry so I feel good about myself.
I know it is important to make (and achieve) attainable goals. I have never really made New Year's resolutions in the past, but I figured it might be a nice change for me. I also thought it would be good (and healthy) if they didn't have anything to do with my weight. So, here it goes.
1. Cook 2 or 3 times per week instead of picking up/ordering out
2. Eat more "whole" foods and less processed stuff
3. Find an exercise that I like (try yoga) and exercise at least once a week
4. Keep in touch with out of town friends and make some new friends
5. Keep my apartment clean
6. Call grandparents at least once per week
7. Make a budget and stick to it
Thanks for reading my blog this year and I hope to have many more happy posts for you in the coming year. Happy 2011, everyone!
My parents are out of town again for New Year's and I am still feeling a little unsure about it. I know that I am 25, but I am so connected to them (especially my mom) that when they leave town it is hard. I just feel alone. There is no other way to describe it (even though I live alone). I guess I see them a lot. Like I said in previous posts, once I move forward from my food issues, this is something I need to work on. It is hard to have my own life here because I rely on my parents so much. In reality, I like being with my parents a lot more than some of my friends. I know that is codependent and crazy. I guess I haven't really grown up like other people my age because of this eating disorder and my enmeshed relationship with my mom.
On another note, I can't believe tomorrow is already New Year's Eve. I am not excited about my plans. The more I think about it, the more I am nervous because the group of people I will be with are all in a tight group and I feel on the outside when I am with them. I have a few good friends going, but it is weird because I have known a lot of these people for years and we just aren't friends... If they were interested in being friends with me, they could have done so years ago... so it'll be interesting. I am going to dress cute and get my hair blown dry so I feel good about myself.
I know it is important to make (and achieve) attainable goals. I have never really made New Year's resolutions in the past, but I figured it might be a nice change for me. I also thought it would be good (and healthy) if they didn't have anything to do with my weight. So, here it goes.1. Cook 2 or 3 times per week instead of picking up/ordering out
2. Eat more "whole" foods and less processed stuff
3. Find an exercise that I like (try yoga) and exercise at least once a week
4. Keep in touch with out of town friends and make some new friends
5. Keep my apartment clean
6. Call grandparents at least once per week
7. Make a budget and stick to it
Thanks for reading my blog this year and I hope to have many more happy posts for you in the coming year. Happy 2011, everyone!
Monday, December 27, 2010
Happy Vacation!
Hi everyone!
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas! I can't believe Christmas is already over. It is my favorite time of year so I am always a little sad when the season flies by so quickly. I love the atmosphere, the lights, the colors.... Anyway, everything here is still good. I have gone to two social functions at night in the past few days and lunch with a big group of friends and have run a thousand errands. I even have real plans for new years eve (dinner with friends and then to a friend's house after)! That is big. HUGE. For the past two years I have gone to sleep before midnight on New Year's eve. I am on vacation for the rest of the week and am happy about that.
I am actually sleeping at my parents house tonight which I know isn't the best idea, but I was lonely and didn't want to be alone or binge. So, I am here and feel fine. When does it become weird that I am almost 26 and sleep at my parents house every now and then? I think I might already be there :)
Actually, my parents were out of town recently and I noticed some interesting feelings. Right when they left I felt really sad and lonely. I even didn't leave my apartment one full day and moped and binged. Then, I thought "I can't do this anymore" and got off my ass and made some plans with friends. So, the rest of their trip was fine for me and I actually did pretty well filling up my time with social things. I did sleep at my parents house 2 nights while they were gone because I felt lonely and my brother is in town from college. I need to be okay being alone. MUST WORK ON THAT. It is hard because more and more of my friends are getting engaged and getting into serious relationships, so it isn't easy to make plans at night. Most of them are with their significant others during the week.
Food has been a challenge lately. Only a few BIG binges, but I am overeating a lot. I am not sure why. I guess the reasons for my bingeing are still there, so its pretty much the same thing (although I feel significantly happier that 2 months ago - yay). I need to get back onto the Weight Watchers wagon because I know my weight is still a big problem in my life. Despite how much I try, I know I wont be okay with myself at this weight. I need to get down to "normal" sizes, be able to shop in regular stores, and then I will be okay. Right? Doesn't that make sense?
Also, I KNOW that one of the reasons I am alone is my weight. During my skinny days, I was the center of attention and guys liked me! It felt great. It isn't like that now. Things have changed... obviously. I wan't to meet guys and get married one day, but my weight holds me back. For example, I would love to try match.com, but I know I won't be that successful because everyone judges you based on your pictures. Been there. Done that. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I try not to, I do the same thing for the guys! Are any of you on match.com or a similar dating site? What has your experience been?
Well, that is all for now. I hope this blog becomes more and more positive as I do better and better! I already feel worlds different. It is nice to get out of the house and DO SOMETHING instead of moping and feeling bad about myself all the time.
So, keep reading. I am here for the long haul.
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas! I can't believe Christmas is already over. It is my favorite time of year so I am always a little sad when the season flies by so quickly. I love the atmosphere, the lights, the colors.... Anyway, everything here is still good. I have gone to two social functions at night in the past few days and lunch with a big group of friends and have run a thousand errands. I even have real plans for new years eve (dinner with friends and then to a friend's house after)! That is big. HUGE. For the past two years I have gone to sleep before midnight on New Year's eve. I am on vacation for the rest of the week and am happy about that.
I am actually sleeping at my parents house tonight which I know isn't the best idea, but I was lonely and didn't want to be alone or binge. So, I am here and feel fine. When does it become weird that I am almost 26 and sleep at my parents house every now and then? I think I might already be there :)
Actually, my parents were out of town recently and I noticed some interesting feelings. Right when they left I felt really sad and lonely. I even didn't leave my apartment one full day and moped and binged. Then, I thought "I can't do this anymore" and got off my ass and made some plans with friends. So, the rest of their trip was fine for me and I actually did pretty well filling up my time with social things. I did sleep at my parents house 2 nights while they were gone because I felt lonely and my brother is in town from college. I need to be okay being alone. MUST WORK ON THAT. It is hard because more and more of my friends are getting engaged and getting into serious relationships, so it isn't easy to make plans at night. Most of them are with their significant others during the week.
Food has been a challenge lately. Only a few BIG binges, but I am overeating a lot. I am not sure why. I guess the reasons for my bingeing are still there, so its pretty much the same thing (although I feel significantly happier that 2 months ago - yay). I need to get back onto the Weight Watchers wagon because I know my weight is still a big problem in my life. Despite how much I try, I know I wont be okay with myself at this weight. I need to get down to "normal" sizes, be able to shop in regular stores, and then I will be okay. Right? Doesn't that make sense?
Well, that is all for now. I hope this blog becomes more and more positive as I do better and better! I already feel worlds different. It is nice to get out of the house and DO SOMETHING instead of moping and feeling bad about myself all the time.
So, keep reading. I am here for the long haul.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Riding Boots
I'm still doing well! Bummed about my boots situation though so help me out. Everyone is wearing cute riding boots this winter. Where can I find Wide calf riding boots? Just want to fit in!!!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Current Meds
Incase you are curious, my current meds are:
-Pristiq 100 mg
-Lamotrigine 200 mg
-Deplin 15 mg
This is probably the reason I've been happy. Maybe this is just the mix I've been looking for!
-Pristiq 100 mg
-Lamotrigine 200 mg
-Deplin 15 mg
This is probably the reason I've been happy. Maybe this is just the mix I've been looking for!
Still Smiling
Ok so here is the deal. I haven't been to therapy or the dietitian in weeks and I think that might be helping me. I was so tired of talking about this eating disorder over and over and over. So, I have been pushing it under the rug and trying my best to be happy. I know that is the number one goal. Happiness. I even WENT out on Saturday night!!! Ahh!! That is HUGE for me. There were def moments when I felt like a fat girl and guys hit on my other friends, but it felt good to be out again, to have a drink, and say "fuck you eating disorder-i am having FUN!" So, as you can see, things have turned around. I am scared to talk about it to friends and family bc I don't want to jinx it. I don't want to say I am doing okay and then have it all go the other way. Regardless, I am thinking that focusing on my life instead of just the eating disorder is the way to go! I am tired of wasting time talking about it. Enough already!
Victories:
-Haven't binged on takeout in over a week (since my move!)
-Have only binged a few times in the past week or two. Overeating, but one step at a time :)
-Went OUT with friends Saturday night and have been trying to be more social
-Have slept at my apartment since I moved in (1.5 weeks ago) and haven't slept at my parents house or called them hysterically crying
-I have been smiling and laughing
-I haven't been bogged down in depressing blog posts from others (no offense)!
-I made my bed almost every day since I moved in
So, yay for me! I hope this lasts. I really do plan to sit down and blog more soon.
How are all of you?
Victories:
-Haven't binged on takeout in over a week (since my move!)
-Have only binged a few times in the past week or two. Overeating, but one step at a time :)
-Went OUT with friends Saturday night and have been trying to be more social
-Have slept at my apartment since I moved in (1.5 weeks ago) and haven't slept at my parents house or called them hysterically crying
-I have been smiling and laughing
-I haven't been bogged down in depressing blog posts from others (no offense)!
-I made my bed almost every day since I moved in
So, yay for me! I hope this lasts. I really do plan to sit down and blog more soon.
How are all of you?
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Smile on My Face - Yipeeee!
Hi readers! I know I haven't written in a long time. I moved and my new apartment is awesome. I will go into more detail in my next post. Anyway, I have been feeling great and have been doing a lot better. Bingeing is less frequent and I think I might finally have the right mix of meds. I feel good - FINALLY! thank god! I think it's because I have been so busy and haven't put so much emphasis on this whole food thing.
More soon!
More soon!
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