Well, even though I didn't go to work, I felt a little better today and helped my mom get ready for a dinner we had tonight with some family friends. I made artichoke dip and peanut butter cookies. It was actually fun to make everything and get ready. During the dinner I felt a bit off though. I kept looking at myself in the mirrors that surround our dining room, thinking about how horrible, fat, and sick I look. I tried not to think about it but it was hard to ignore. How can I try to feel better when I look in the mirror and see that??
When I met with my therapist on Thursday we talked about the idea that part of me really just doesn't want to change. Ofcourse I am upset and want to lose weight and everything, but maybe there is something more to this- a reason I am holding onto this weight and depression. Maybe it is for attention and I want my mom to finally see me and see that I AM depressed and unhappy. I know that's sick, but something like this is keeping me from making changes. More on this another day.
I really feel a sense of loss that I know I will have to go back to my aparment on Sunday and go back to work and get back into the swing of real life. It has been really nice to have some TLC from my parents this week... I shouldn't feel this way. I am 25! I went to college far away, lived abroad, etc.. What is wrong with me? Why am I having so mug trouble living my life?
Tonight I also had a really sad thought. What if I don't find someone to marry and end up alone? What will I do and who will I have when I am all alone and my parents get old? What if I can't find anyone to marry in the next 10-15 years and then become too old to have children? I am not sure if this is something I should just push to the back of my mind, but I am getting worried.
I also keep thinking about how my blog is absolutely so depressing not inspiring like some of the other ones Ive read out there. I am doing this for me though... So I know I need to just keep on doing this and keep reading those positive blogs that I admire. Maybe one day I can turn it all around and be like those bloggers too.
I just need to remember... One. Day. At. A. Time.
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I think it's important to remember it's your blog, to write whatever you want, and you need to write what you are feeling and put it out there on your blog then that is exactly what you should do! Also that remark about your mother struck a chord with me, I can relate...
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you are so open and honest and keep coming back is inspiring.
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