I feel really anxious right now. The front of my head hurts and I feel panicked. I am writing this post on my iPhone from my bath tub. I thought a bath would make me feel better. I'm not sure why I feel this way all of the sudden. I had a good weekend for the first time in months and didnt sleep at my parents house.. They were so excited..My psych. gave me aderol and it made me really zippy and energetic in the mornings. Maybe it's wearing off and that's why I feel bad now? I am really anxious. That is the only word to describe it. I really want to call my mom and go sleep at my parents house but it's almost 11 and I know they are asleep. I just don't know how to soothe myself. I would go eat but I have no food in my apartment and it's too late to go somewhere to get it. The city I live in is not the kind where you can roam around at night..
I started to get anxious thinking about all of the stuff I have for my first week of the outpatient program. Tomorrow before work I am going to a dietition (who I have actually seen before) who is part of the program. I am not sure how it is going to work...last time I went to her I couldn't even write down my food records because I was binging so much. It's funny because I am binging even more now and probably weigh 15-20 pounds more but I know that I have to get this under control. I just need to suck it up and record my binges.
Tuesday and Thursday I have the first group therapy sessions from 4-6, Wednesday I am seeing my regular therapist before work, and Friday I am seeing the program therapist at lunch. It is going to be an exausting week!! I am really nervous - and I don't get nervous easily. I just really don't know if I'm ready for this. It is so much easier just to binge and stay the way I am. Ahhhhh I want to scream. How did this happen to me??