Sunday, May 16, 2010

Thin

I just watched the HBO documentary Thin and it scared me that I could relate to the patients at The Renfrew Center so much. I do everything they do, except I binge instead of starve myself. The weird thing is that part of me (the rational side) knows and understand that these anorexic/bulimic girls are killing themselves. I do see that. The other crazy part of me is actually kind of jealous: they have all of the same problems and issues that I do but they are THIN. I would do anything to be thin again. Meanwhile, all I do is eat.

So, I am starting this outpatient program on Tuesday, but this movie made me realize that maybe I need more than that. But, are there even inpatient places for people who just have BED and not anorexia or bulimia? When I finished the movie, I had this horrible thought that the outpatient program might be all anorexics and then me. I don't think I could handle being the only fat person in the program.

Tonight (before the movie) when my roommate left the apartment, I sneakily ordered a pizza from Papa Johns and ate the ENTIRE thing by myself (yes, every single piece). I also got bread sticks and ate half of those with cheese sauce. Then, later in the night, I had edamame from my freezer. The kicker is that I had a big lunch (french onion soup, a huge grilled cheese panini, and sweet potato fries) - so much so that after lunch I felt really ill. But, ofcourse that STUFFED feeling passed and I was ready for a binge at dinner time. For some reason I have felt the need to eat as much as I can before this program begins - like a last hurrah. Gross, I know. I am truly a sick person. I need help.
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4 comments:

  1. AnonymousMay 16, 2010 at 5:19 AM

    All the best on Tuesday, I hope it's all you are looking for!

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  2. AnonymousMay 16, 2010 at 6:10 PM

    In my experience at an inpatient program, I was maybe one out of three anorexic girls. The rest were bulimic and compulsive overeaters. The bulimics were not thin; most were average size. The overeaters were overweight. It's a common misconception that bulimics will be emaciated like anorexics, but more common than not they will be average size or overweight.

    Even if there were anorexic girls in your program, or any program you attend, I believe most would not judge you as well all can relate.

    I wish you luck. Try out the outpatient program first. If you don't feel like it's enough recovery, they can refer to a higher level of care.

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  3. AnonymousMay 16, 2010 at 6:31 PM

    Wishing you all the best. I wish I could offer more, but just know we're here to listen!

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  4. AnonymousMay 16, 2010 at 7:18 PM

    PS: I've seen Thin, and although a lot of it is really what it's like in an inpatient program, I'm sure the creator of that documentary chose not to focus on compulsive overeating on purpose. Afterall, you can't call a documentary "THIN" if there are overweight people in it. This is a shame as to me, all EDs are the same despite our outside appearance. If you go to Renfrew's web site, they do treat overeaters as well.

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