Thin and it scared me that I could relate to the patients at The Renfrew Center so much. I do everything they do, except I binge instead of starve myself. The weird thing is that part of me (the rational side) knows and understand that these anorexic/bulimic girls are killing themselves. I do see that. The other crazy part of me is actually kind of jealous: they have all of the same problems and issues that I do but they are THIN. I would do anything to be thin again. Meanwhile, all I do is eat.
So, I am starting this outpatient program on Tuesday, but this movie made me realize that maybe I need more than that. But, are there even inpatient places for people who just have BED and not anorexia or bulimia? When I finished the movie, I had this horrible thought that the outpatient program might be all anorexics and then me. I don't think I could handle being the only fat person in the program.
Tonight (before the movie) when my roommate left the apartment, I sneakily ordered a pizza from Papa Johns and ate the ENTIRE thing by myself (yes, every single piece). I also got bread sticks and ate half of those with cheese sauce. Then, later in the night, I had edamame from my freezer. The kicker is that I had a big lunch (french onion soup, a huge grilled cheese panini, and sweet potato fries) - so much so that after lunch I felt really ill. But, ofcourse that STUFFED feeling passed and I was ready for a binge at dinner time. For some reason I have felt the need to eat as much as I can before this program begins - like a last hurrah. Gross, I know. I am truly a sick person. I need help.