RecoveringAnorexic, one of my favorite bloggers, made this comment on my post "Listening" and it really made me think:
"I did a 12 week outpatient program as well as the inpatient. The outpatient program was three days a week, two hours a day... It would have helped more if I wasn't the only one with an eating disorder (it was a treatment center for ALL addictions) and it also would have helped more if I wanted to help myself. NO treatment will work FOR you unless YOU work it."
I have decided to do the eating disorder outpatient program, which starts in two weeks, but I am nervous about it. I am really excited, but scared. I think a lot of the things I have tried (therapy, dietitians, etc...) have not worked simply because I was not in a place where I wanted it to work. I know that might not make sense, but part of me is binging for a reason (even though I might not fully understand that reason).
Although I hate to admit this, part of me does not want to get better. What if nobody realizes how unhappy I am if I am skinny again? I am not sure why I am doing this to myself, and its confusing because part of me wants to get better and part of me doesn't.
Can anyone with an eating disorder relate? Why do we punish ourselves like this?
In the next two weeks, how can I prepare myself to really "work" this treatment program so that it "works" for me?