RecoveringAnorexic, one of my favorite bloggers, made this comment on my post "Listening" and it really made me think:
"I did a 12 week outpatient program as well as the inpatient. The outpatient program was three days a week, two hours a day... It would have helped more if I wasn't the only one with an eating disorder (it was a treatment center for ALL addictions) and it also would have helped more if I wanted to help myself. NO treatment will work FOR you unless YOU work it."
I have decided to do the eating disorder outpatient program, which starts in two weeks, but I am nervous about it. I am really excited, but scared. I think a lot of the things I have tried (therapy, dietitians, etc...) have not worked simply because I was not in a place where I wanted it to work. I know that might not make sense, but part of me is binging for a reason (even though I might not fully understand that reason).
Although I hate to admit this, part of me does not want to get better. What if nobody realizes how unhappy I am if I am skinny again? I am not sure why I am doing this to myself, and its confusing because part of me wants to get better and part of me doesn't.
Can anyone with an eating disorder relate? Why do we punish ourselves like this?
In the next two weeks, how can I prepare myself to really "work" this treatment program so that it "works" for me?
It sounds like you are on the right track to making it work for you, as you recognize that need within yourself, and you can sense the readiness. I can empathize with you, I get it when you say part of you doesn't want to get better; I think it's because you have wrapped your whole identity around being "broken", that to get better is almost foreign to your sensibilities. That being said, you can do this. We are all here for you!
ReplyDeleteA big part of why I didn't want to get better was because I felt that if I lost my eating disorder, I would lose a sense of myself. I was good at starving/bingeing. I didn't know who I was without the eating disorder, and if I didn't have it, I felt I wouldn't have anything to turn to in my time of need, and I felt that I wouldn't be able to cope when things got bad. As much as it made me miserable, it was all I knew and it was my security blanket. After I went into treatment, I had to find out who I was without the ED.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing a great job!
I agree with the previous comment wholeheartedly!
ReplyDeleteYou're taking really positive steps towards finding your identity separate from your relationship with food and it's a very weird journey, one I'm just starting out on. I have no idea why I've kept myself this size for so long but councelling showed me that it serves a purpose for me, I just can't work out what that is... You're being really proactive in reclaiming your life, congratulations!