Listening

Notes from therapy 5/5/10

• There are powerful reasons why I am in the place that I am in right now. I am in this place/weight for a reason, even if I don't know what that reason is yet.
• I am really quick to assume that I can't make a decision by myself and I have to get someone else's advice on everything (from something as small as an outfit to bigger life decisions like job stuff). It is helpful now that I aware of how quickly I give other people (mainly my mom) the authority to make decisions for me. I often think that she knows better than I do when that might not be the case.
• I have to keep in mind that on the days that I don't binge and do eat better that I feel happier and more energized
• When eating well, my deprived feelings aren't really even about food, even though I am not sure what they are about yet. I do know, though, that those deprived feelings still existed when I was thin and much happier. I could have been thinking/currently think in the following way:

• "I don't WANT to diet"
• "I want to be my own person"
• "I don't want to just be 'good'"
• "I just want to be free to want what I want"
• The only way to understand these deprived feelings is to really feel them and to listen to myself. I need to try not to binge in an effort to hear this voice that needs to be heard. It is NOT just about NOT binging - It is about creating the space for hearing that voice. When I binge, the binge immediately silences it.
• My therapist told me to imagine two crying little girls. In situation A, the mother gives the little girl a cookie to make her feel better. In situation B, the mother asks the little girl what is wrong and then listens. Situation B doesn't immediately soothe the little girl like the cookie does, but the little girl eventually gets to the same soothing place by understanding and listening to her thoughts. That little girl in B is more likely to come away understanding something about herself and that there is so much value in simply LISTENING. This will help her in the future. It is about being in the moment with yourself and having the ability to be in tune with your thoughts.

I thought that session went really well.

Today I also had an assessment at an eating disorder outpatient program. I heard all about the program and I am really hopeful. It includes the following (over a 10 week period):

1. Two group therapy sessions per week (Tuesdays and Thursdays from 4-6pm) which include about 6-7 people with similar problems
2. One individual therapy session per week
3. One meeting with a dietition per week
4. A weeky family support group for my parents
5. Two family therapy sessions
6. Weekly aftercare groups following the 10 week program

The brochure says, "Participants will focus on recovery around their eating disorders, as well as other self destructive behaviors. Individuals will work on identifying triggers and patterns of their eating disorder behaviors, learn healthy coping skills and tools, and gain peer support. Coping tools will include mindful techniques, self-esteem building skills, healthy communication, and boundary setting."

I talked to my HR department and my boss at work today and they both approved as long as I can get a doctors note, which my psychiatrist can write me. Now, I just have to figure out the insurance portion of it and then I am ready to go (in two weeks)!

I really hope this is the program that can turn my life around! Have any of your bloggers out there done similar programs? Any advice?