Monday, May 24, 2010

Playing Hooky... to Binge

This weekend was not a good one.

On Friday night, my mom had a few family friends for dinner because two  of the kids just graduated from college. I had fun, but I felt really awkward towards food the entire night. I felt like I kept eating because I couldn’t get full. I am not sure if this is in my head, but I kept feeling like everyone was watching how much I was eating, thinking “Why is she eating that? She needs to be dieting.” It is blatantly obvious that I have gained an extreme amount of weight in the past 2-3 years. Anyway, dinner ended late so I slept at my parent’s house. When I fell asleep, I pretty much knew I wouldn’t make it to the EDA meeting Saturday morning even though I was so motivated to go on Thursday. I keep doing this to myself. Deep down, I know that I need to go to these meetings, but I have no desire to be there.

So, I didn’t set an alarm and slept past 11 a.m. on Saturday. I was really exhausted from such a long week. I was also supposed to get a haircut and my highlights redone at 1 p.m. and called in sick... that was the last thing I wanted to do. I can’t stand my hair guy (even though he is awesome with hair). All he does is talk about shallow things like designer bags and his “glamorous” lifestyle and it makes me uncomfortable. I know he also judges me on my weight. Usually, I can stick it out for a good haircut, but I just wasn’t up to it.

So, after canceling my appointment, I ate as much as I could at my parents house and then went back to sleep until 4 p.m. I did not take any of my medications and I am sure that didn’t help things. When my mom came home and woke me up, I felt pretty out of it. and kind of dizzy. My mom lectured me about forgetting to take my meds and then I got annoyed and left. I went to my apartment for an hour or so and then got really, really tearful and depressed. I felt very alone. So, I called my parents and they came over. My mom looked at my room in my apartment and freaked out. I admit that it was a disaster, clothes and books and papers all over my floor. She helped me clean it up a little and then we went back to their house.

They were supposed to go to a movie that night my dad was upset and so they didn’t go. He didn’t tell us why.

On Sunday, I woke up and went with my mom and grandma to get manicures/pedicures. It was nice to get out of the house and I was in a good mood, but my grandma, who is 85, asked me about my “program.” I am not sure what my mom told her, so I basically said that they teach you how to eat mindfully and that there are no good or bad foods. She then said, “Well, then how do you lose weight?” That made me feel bad. I am sure my mom just told her it was a diet program because she is taking care of my 93-year-old grandfather and has a lot to deal with, but it just reinforced that the way I look is not/has never been acceptable. I didn’t say anything to her though. I just let it be.

After that, I went back to my apartment and became really sad again. I can’t be alone. I just didn’t know what to do with myself. So, I went back to my parents house (while they were at the movies) and then stayed to watch the Lost finale with my brother who is home from college for a week so I didn’t have to watch it alone.

Last night I slept at my apartment, but I woke up this morning with no desire to go to work. I emailed my boss and asked her if I could take a vacation day. Her last day is Wednesday so I am not sure that she cares - and she said okay. I know that I will stay home all day today and binge, but I feel like I need that. Part of me knows that bingeing will not make me feel better, but the other part of me doesn’t want to listen and just wants to eat mindlessly in front of the TV until I feel sick. Great way to start the week..

Less than one week until A’s wedding which I will no longer attend/be a bridesmaid in... pretty depressing...

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