Avoiding my Reflection

I have noticed that ever since I gained weight, I have been avoiding mirrors and photos. Unlike when I was 125 pounds, I wake up and quickly get dressed, not even noticing how I look. I never wear my hear down anymore and I don't focus on looking cute. I used to spend a lot of my mornings straightening my hair and putting on makeup. Now, I am lucky if I even shave my legs.

When I meet new people, I avoid looking them in the eyes.

When I am with friends or family in a group setting (which is rare), I avoid pictures. Why would I want to document this part of my life? Tonight, I went through my apartment and removed every photo from the wall and their frames that showed me in my skinny days. I am tired of looking at them and remembering how good I felt/looked. That isn't me anymore. I am tired of being reminded of that person.

Everytime I see a photo of how I look now, I cringe. Those moments remind me of how much I have changed and how miserable I am. They make me feel horrible and hopeless.

Tonight I went to dinner with two of my friends, shocker I know - I left the house, and I couldn't stop looking at myself in the reflection of the window compared to my skinny friends. I look like I should be carrying a sign that says "wide load ahead." My stomach is huge. Meanwhile, I have quit that whole prepackaged meal thing... back to binging.

In other news, I told A that I would not be in her wedding at the end of the month. It was really hard for my to tell her that, but I feel a big weight off of my shoulders. How can I stand infront of 400 people in a strapless dress when I am too scared to even go to my place of worship because I am embarrassed to be seen in public. I am too sick to go and pretend to be happy for an ENTIRE WEEKEND. I am a horrible friend. A was very nice about it, but I know she is upset. How could she not be?

I am looking into an eating disorder program and I am meeting with a social worker from the program tomorrow. Hopefully this will be a good thing- I really need it.