Thursday, November 4, 2010

Mental Health Day

I took another day off today. I woke up and felt sad and had no motivation to go to the office. I hope I don't get fired. I've only been there one day this week. My coworkers have no idea what I'm dealing with. At work, I try to be as happy as possible. Underneath, every day is a struggle.

I just watched that new show "Whats Eating You" on E! It was pretty depressing and, although it did not focus on BED, I saw a lot of myself in the people they profiled (mostly the bad). For example, I hated that the patients seemed so self centered and attention-seeking, YET that is me 100% when I am in my disease. It made me anxious and teary.

Thinking about how I HAVE PUT MYSELF here makes me feel sick. I can't help but think of all of the years I've wasted feeling sorry for myself.

Anyway, I want to tell my mom that I didn't go to work today and that bothers me, like maybe I want attention from her? Or comfort? I am going to not tell her until tonight. I need to deal with this on my own sometimes I think.

Another thought I had while watching the show was that maybe I am not ready for treatment. Maybe I haven't really hit rock bottom yet so I am not ready to change. I waver in my opinion about this, (sometimes I am really motivated and others I want to quit and binge) so I don't know what to make of it. If I really AM going to do this, therapy once a week and dietitian once a week isn't enough. Maybe I should move home with my parents instead of moving to my own apartment.


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