Sunday, November 7, 2010

An Okay Weekend

This weekend wasn't so bad.

On Friday I had a family dinner. My aunt, uncle, and grandma came over to my parents house. It was okay. I ate a lot, but the dinner was fine. After, I slept at my parents house because I didn't want to go be alone at my apartment.

On Saturday I woke up and had lunch with a friend. It was fine. I felt self conscious about eating in public, but overall it was okay. It was beautiful outside so that put me in a good mood. Saturday afternoon/night I helped a coworker work a birthday party for her daughter. It was fun until one of the young moms came. She made me feel bad- she was my age, had two kids, and was beautiful (and thin). Ofcourse she made a "joke" that she was on the "anorexic diet" and couldn't eat anything at the party. She probably was anorexic. Still, it was an inappropriate comment. The sick part of me thought "anorexic would be better than BED." I hate being fat. I guess the grass is always greener, right? After the party, I picked up dinner and went back to my apartment. I did laundry and cleaned like a super cool social 25 year old..

Today, I went to lunch with another friend, went to some furniture places, and then met with a family friend about doing some freelance writing. I am not sure what will come of that. We will see! At lunch, I saw all of these girls my age in cute outfits (jeants and boots, etc...) and felt bad that I can't wear things like that. My theighs have become too fat for high boots. So depressing. Anyway, then I went home and binged. I had an entire chipotle burrito and ordered chinese food after. Gross. Half way through the binge I thought about stopping. I considered stopping because I know I have gained SO much weight, but then felt alone and sad. So, I thought "screw it" and continued to binge.

So, overall it was a good weekend. I still don't like being here alone. My roommate is out of town, but even if she were in town I think I would feel this way. I want to go to my parents house, but I am going to try to stay here.

I just had a thought that it has been over three months since I got back from treatment. A year ago at this time, I was extremely depressed and was missing out on social events. I probably haven't been out to a bar with my friends in over a year. I am still hiding out. I can't be fat anymore - its killing me. I thought about trying my prescription diet pills again. I am not sure if they would even work anymore. Last time I tried they had lost all effect. I don't know what to do.

Now, I am crying again. Not sure what to do or where to go.


  1. Thank you so much for putting yourself out there like this and being so honest about your pain. BED is so hard.

  2. There are a few books that really helped me when I was having similar feelings and thoughts such as "The Mindful Way Through Depression". Also, what changed my mind and my way of eating was reading about nutrition and I don't mean diet books but the hardcore nutrition texts. It won't make the "mental stuff" go away but it might help to keep you from bingeing or at least provide some ammo next time you stop in the middle of a binge, it really is your choice.