Gratitudes

Today I am grateful for:

1. The great massage I got today
2. My loving parents
3. New beginnings
4. My cute doggies
5. Days off for thanksgiving
6. Quiet

What are you thankful for today?

Tomorrow

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Turning Things Around... Again

I went to Weight Watchers this morning with my mom. I gained 0.8 pounds since last sunday. I probably would have lost if I hadn't binged so much over the weekend. The weekdays weren't SO bad. Anyway, ofcourse it made me discouraged but I am going to try to binge less this week. This isnt about the weight. It about the bingeing. And i did do better. After the WW meeting, I went to walk the dogs with my mom, then ate lunch at my parents house, got a massage, and now I am at my parents house catching up on some blogs from my iPhone. I feel good right now. It is a new week and I am going to think positively, and eat healthfully this week. Thanksgiving will be a challenge with food, ofcourse. But, I will be with my family and that should help.

How was your weekend? What do you plan to do to make this week a good one?

Sad face

I feel bad that I've been sitting at my apartment all weekend yet I was invited to two different birthday celebrations at bars tonight. I wish I could just get over my shit and go. I just don't know what I'd wear and I know ill feel bad about being fat. So, I am all alone and sad. I haven't left my bed all weekend. It's like I LIKE being depressed or something.

What a waste of a weekend. Of my life.

Long Week

Binged tonight. Stayed home alone again. Feel like I am alone a lot. Sad that I have no boyfriend to spend time with. Friends don't even always call anymore. More and more are starting to get married or get into serious relationships. I know i will be last if im not just alone forever.

Watched 6 episodes of that show "Greek." I'm super cool.

Feeling down. Eating wasn't good at all today. No idea how to turn that around because I feel so lonely.

The worse part is that I am still fat and I just can't get over it.

Four

So, today was okay eating-wise but dinner got hard. I skipped my art class because I was tired after work. I had every intention of going and even put my supplies in my car before work.

Anyway, here is the damage I did today. I ate double the points I was supposed to eat, but again, I tracked everything and didn't have a horrible binge. Trying to be proud of that...

Breakfast:
-Apple
-Whole wheat bagel with cream chese
-Cottage cheese

Lunch:
-Gyro Sandwich with tzatziki sauce
-Approx. 20 pita chips with hummus
-Diet Coke

Dinner
-WW chicken parm meal
-Can of Progresso Light soup
-Green Giant Just for One broccoli and cheese
-Whole wheat english muffin and piece of pepper jack cheese
-2 WW ice cream candy bars (3 points each)

Clearly dinner did not go as planned. Probably because I had nothing planned except maybe picking up Subway. No plans = bad news!

Weight Watchers Day 3

Today was harder. I did great for breakfast and lunch and then dinner wasn't as good. I had a total of 52 points today including my very minor binge (about double what I'm supposed to have). At least I tracked it... Could have been a lot worse. Anyway, it's still progress. I am getting right back on the bandwagon tomorrow and already made a healthy breakfast and lunch.

This is what I ate today:

Breakfast:
Whole wheat bagel with WW cream cheese
Yoplait vanilla yogurt
Apple

Lunch:
Baked potato with salt and pepper
Healthy choice chicken noodle soup
Banana
WW bar

Snack:
90 cal Fiber One bar
2 light string cheeses

Dinner (Chinese takeout):
-6 crab puffs
-Hot and sour soup (2 cups?)
-White Rice (2 cups)
-Chicken with vegetables in white sauce (2-3 cups)
-2 fortune cookies

Snack:
-WW icecream candy bar

How did you do today?

Good Day

1. Kept meal plan all day. Planned for all meals and did great. Went over points, but don't care because I ate healthy and didn't feel hungry. No binges!!

2. Saw therapist at lunch. Made goal for the week to go to nia class on Thursday. Need to get my body moving!

3. Ate healthy dinner at parents house and then met a friend for coffee. Got home at 9ish, did some job searching, and cleaned up room a bit. Being productive and busy is good.

Dietition tomorrow morning and therapy group after work.

Today, I am grateful for:
-Eating healthy all day and no binges
-My supportive family
-My current job
-Making goals!

Weight Watchers and Starting Anew

I started today. I walked in and the lady at the front knew my name. I have a long history with WW but haven't been in about 3 years. I never lost a significant amount of weight on WW - gave it up for the diet pills, and we all know how that ended... Anyway, I decided it was time to give it a try again. Well, actually, my mom was going and asked me if I wanted to go. I figured that it was the right time for me to get off my ass and change my life. So, I went and the meeting was really good. Everyone talked about how it wasn't a diet but a lifestyle change. They never really mentioned "good" or "bad" foods. There were a lot if young people and they didn't seem that different than me. So, it was a better experience than I remember and I think that it can be a good meal plan if I work it with my dietitian. My issue is sticking with meal plans and things like this. I get tired of trying so hard. I hate cooking and preparing food! So, I need to remember the goal - to eat healthy. Today I went over my allotted point value but only by a bit and I don't care. I still ate really great for me, so that's a big step. I'm going to try to focus on the lifestyle change versus the weight loss. So, if I go above my points but still eat healthy and don't binge, I don't care. I am also going to talk to my therapist tomorrow about this. It really isn't too different from following a meal plan with a dietitian or the one they gave me at residential treatment.

The book I am reading says that it is important for those with BED to weigh one per week so they can be aware of their bodies.

So, this morning I weighed 204.4. I ate 33.5 points today (I get 27 for my weight range).

Yay for me! Starting a new week and damn it feels good!

Note to Self:

Do not look at Facebook. Will make you see what others are doing and the fun they are having and make you feel horrible about yourself.

On another note, I am going to dinner with friends. Haven't done that in months. Hopefully I won't be too boring and they won't be mad when decline to go out with them after. Who wants to see a fat girl in a bar?

More Closet Cleaning

Hello readers!

Tonight I spent some time cleaning out my closet. I started a while back but didn't get very far.

Step 1: A few weeks ago I got rid of all of the size 6 - 10 clothing stored at my parents house from my skinny days. It had been sitting in boxes for the past 2 or 3 years. It was time. I tried to sell some of it and I brought the stuff that didn't sell to goodwill.

Step 2: Tonight, I began packing up the 10's and 12's that are in my closet to go into storage in my parents house (where the previous skinny clothes were stored). I am keeping size 14, 16, and 18 in my closet in my new apartment (I move in 3 weeks). Hopefully, one day, I can get back to "normal" sizes. Being plus sized SUCKS.

Clearly this process is ridiculous and shows how much my life has changed in the past 5 years. I have wasted thousands and thousands of dollars on clothes. CRAZY. While looking through the clothes, I realized that at this time last year, I was a 14 (which absolutely killed me then). At that time I thought my life was over. Little did I know that a year later I would be 1-2 sizes bigger. 

I just hope I don't gain even MORE weight, and I know I am not doing the things I need to do to get better. Sometimes I am good (I did a lot of cleaning tonight, had a good day, I didn't cry, etc...), but I ate badly today and ofcourse now I feel like shit.

Breakfast: Two potato, egg, and cheese kolaches (350 calories EACH) and a diet coke

Lunch: Cheeseburger, fries, and diet coke; two mini snickers candies out of my coworkers candy jar

Dinner: 1 can of progresso soup, falafel sandwich, some pita chips, 3 bites of egg salad

Ugh. I'm a pig. GROSS.

Anyway, enough about the bad and onto the good.

I am having dinner tomorrow with my mom and grandma because my dad is going out of town. Then, on Saturday, I am going to a holiday market with my mom and I am excited to get some good Christmas shopping in. I have plans to go to dinner with my roommate on Saturday night. Other than that, the weekend is pretty open. I emailed my friends a few days ago to be proactive and "social," but every single friend had plans or is going to be out of town this weekend. Oh well. At least I tried.

I was supposed to do a volunteer thing in my community but I backed out. I feel bad, but I know I need to take care of myself, go to my therapy group, start exercising, eat right, etc... I need to put MYSELF first. So, I think it was a smart decision.

Enough rambling for the night.

Happy ALMOST Friday!

Wish

I wish I could start my life over knowing what I know now. I would do things so differently.

Yet, I am wasting so much time in shame, waiting for a time when I can start living my life again, a time when I am thin.

Every day is such a struggle, and I've spent over 3 years being very depressed. Maybe I don't want things to change. Maybe some weird, sick part of me likes this pain and sadness?

Tuesday Ramblings

Fair day today. I did really well in the morning, saw my dietitian, etc... I skipped my group therapy and binged tonight at dinner time. That wasn't great. I felt really sick after. I have a feeling I am not going to keep the meal plan she gave me, so I know that means I need to work REALLY hard to keep it.

Anyway, I tried to make myself feel better so I cleaned up my room  a bit. I found a weight record that said I weighed 175 in August 2009. Now I weigh 202. Thats scary.... No comments there except disgust. Then, I worked in this workbook called "Finding Your Voice Through Creativity." Now, I am going to go read for a bit and then catch up on some blogs.

Goodnight, all.

Back on Track

Last night after I wrote my post and started to cry, I left my apartment and slept at my parents house.

They made me feel better and I woke up this morning in a better mood. I didn't binge or eat too badly today. I ate some unhealthy foods, but in moderation so it was okay. It would probably not be a great food day for most people, but it was good for me (baby steps).

After work, I went to my parents house to walk the dogs with my dad and then ate dinner there so I didn't have to eat alone. Now, I am at my apartment and I feel okay. I know I have been spending too much time with my parents, but one battle at a time, right?

I also emailed a few of my good friends to see if any of them wanted to go to dinner this coming Saturday night so I am not alone like last weekend. Can you see a pattern here? Clearly I have issues being alone.

So, the exercise today and the email to my friends were good, positive steps. I also saw my therapist during lunch and am meeting with my dietitian early tomorrow before work. See, I AM trying!

An Okay Weekend

This weekend wasn't so bad.

On Friday I had a family dinner. My aunt, uncle, and grandma came over to my parents house. It was okay. I ate a lot, but the dinner was fine. After, I slept at my parents house because I didn't want to go be alone at my apartment.

On Saturday I woke up and had lunch with a friend. It was fine. I felt self conscious about eating in public, but overall it was okay. It was beautiful outside so that put me in a good mood. Saturday afternoon/night I helped a coworker work a birthday party for her daughter. It was fun until one of the young moms came. She made me feel bad- she was my age, had two kids, and was beautiful (and thin). Ofcourse she made a "joke" that she was on the "anorexic diet" and couldn't eat anything at the party. She probably was anorexic. Still, it was an inappropriate comment. The sick part of me thought "anorexic would be better than BED." I hate being fat. I guess the grass is always greener, right? After the party, I picked up dinner and went back to my apartment. I did laundry and cleaned like a super cool social 25 year old..

Today, I went to lunch with another friend, went to some furniture places, and then met with a family friend about doing some freelance writing. I am not sure what will come of that. We will see! At lunch, I saw all of these girls my age in cute outfits (jeants and boots, etc...) and felt bad that I can't wear things like that. My theighs have become too fat for high boots. So depressing. Anyway, then I went home and binged. I had an entire chipotle burrito and ordered chinese food after. Gross. Half way through the binge I thought about stopping. I considered stopping because I know I have gained SO much weight, but then felt alone and sad. So, I thought "screw it" and continued to binge.

So, overall it was a good weekend. I still don't like being here alone. My roommate is out of town, but even if she were in town I think I would feel this way. I want to go to my parents house, but I am going to try to stay here.

I just had a thought that it has been over three months since I got back from treatment. A year ago at this time, I was extremely depressed and was missing out on social events. I probably haven't been out to a bar with my friends in over a year. I am still hiding out. I can't be fat anymore - its killing me. I thought about trying my prescription diet pills again. I am not sure if they would even work anymore. Last time I tried they had lost all effect. I don't know what to do.

Now, I am crying again. Not sure what to do or where to go.

Mental Health Day - Part 2

Well, I told my mom and its only 3 pm.

I also ordered pizza and breadsticks from Papa Johns for lunch. I feel gross.

Mental Health Day

I took another day off today. I woke up and felt sad and had no motivation to go to the office. I hope I don't get fired. I've only been there one day this week. My coworkers have no idea what I'm dealing with. At work, I try to be as happy as possible. Underneath, every day is a struggle.

I just watched that new show "Whats Eating You" on E! It was pretty depressing and, although it did not focus on BED, I saw a lot of myself in the people they profiled (mostly the bad). For example, I hated that the patients seemed so self centered and attention-seeking, YET that is me 100% when I am in my disease. It made me anxious and teary.

Thinking about how I HAVE PUT MYSELF here makes me feel sick. I can't help but think of all of the years I've wasted feeling sorry for myself.

Anyway, I want to tell my mom that I didn't go to work today and that bothers me, like maybe I want attention from her? Or comfort? I am going to not tell her until tonight. I need to deal with this on my own sometimes I think.

Another thought I had while watching the show was that maybe I am not ready for treatment. Maybe I haven't really hit rock bottom yet so I am not ready to change. I waver in my opinion about this, (sometimes I am really motivated and others I want to quit and binge) so I don't know what to make of it. If I really AM going to do this, therapy once a week and dietitian once a week isn't enough. Maybe I should move home with my parents instead of moving to my own apartment.

Thoughts?

I'm Okay, Right?

I need to keep reminding myself that I'm okay. After being with family for 5+ days, I am home alone at my apartment and kinda sad/lonely. I did reasonably well emotionally for the past few days (considering) but I think it was because I was with my parents. I always feel better when I'm with them (unhealthy I know). I am doing okay. I will BE okay. Life will end up okay. I will learn to be happy. I WILL get married and have kids and find a job that I love. I WILL be content...right? Sometimes I'm not so sure.

I binged tonight after eating "healthy" all day. I'm so sick of this. Sick of trying. Why isn't this getting any easier?

Eating While Mourning

What's the deal with it? I think I've gained 5 pounds.

I am not going to discuss my grandfathers death on this blog, but just would like to say that I need to remember my grandpa and his attitude every day. He would think all of this food stuff is crazy and would tell us all to go outside and get moving.

Back to work (and stress) tomorrow.