Inpatient TOMORROW!

Well, I leave tomorrow. I can't believe it. I am excited but really nervous and anxious. I don't know what to expect, but the fact that I won't have Internet, tv, phones, books, or access to my parents scares me. I know thats what I need though: an environment without those distractions so that I can get better.

Thank you, readers, for sticking with me in my journey so far. I hope to be back in 6 to 8 weeks in a much better mood and outlook on life. Peace.

Beautiful Blogger Award

I am so excited. I just received my first blog award from Rita over at The Giggly Bits! Thank you!

The rules of the award are as follows:

1. I must tell you 7 things about myself that you do not already know.

2. I get to pass on this awesome award to 7 beautiful bloggers that I follow regularly.

So, without further ado, here it goes...

Things you don't know about me:

1. I graduated Magna Cum Laude from college with  3.9 GPA. It is the accomplishment that I am most proud of.

2. I have a horrible sense of direction. I would classify it as a disability.

3. I loved dogs, especially puppies. I have a distinct voice that I use when speaking to dogs.

4. I only have two wisdom teeth and still haven't had them pulled (and I'm 25)!

5. I love to read and love bookstores, the smell of books, journals, pretty pens, etc...

6. People tell me my best feature is my hair

7. I live in the city where I grew up

Some Beautiful bloggers that I HIGHLY recommend you follow:

1. Voice in Recovery

2. Medicinal Marzipan

3. Diary of a Mad Overeater

4. Project Bare

5. No Longer Weighting

6. Food: My Drug of Choice

7. Weightless

Congrats, everyone!

Inpatient, here I come!

I am going! I can't believe it. I am excited and scarred and anxious and nervous all at the same time. I have no idea what to think.

So, insurance won't cover one penny of the program because I am over 18!!! RIDICULOUS!!!!

I told HR today that I need to take short term disability. They were extremely understanding and nice- thank god!

So.. More info to come soon! I am too exhausted to write more now.

Advice???

Ankle Update

No longer swollen. I guess I don't have diabetes.

That's what this eating disorder does. Convinces you that you are sick, ugly and not worth it.

Fuck you, eating disorder!!

Update - Inpatient Decision

• Saturday night turned out to be pretty horrible.. I have slept at my parents house ever since (breaking my month long streak of sleeping at my apartment)
• I had some pretty dark thoughts Saturday night. It scared me. No need to rehash that.
• My parents and I decided that it is time for me to go to an inpatient place. I just can't do this anymore on my own and it is my only option. I am looking into Shades of Hope near Abilene, Texas. Anyone heard of it? I haven't told my friends or coworkers yet because I haven't heard about how much insurance will cover. So... Everything is up in the air.
• I really think THIS could be the answer.. I am praying it is. I am willing to do anything to get better.

More details soon.

Wallowing

I have been in bed since last night at this time. Last night i got into an argument with my dad about recovery. He basically said "just do it." As if it were that easy.. So, I stormed out of dinner, binged, took two Advil PM and have been in bed ever since.. I didn't go to meetings today or my haircut. I also was supposed to go to dinner tonight with my friends but cancelled. I am depressed and really just want to wallow in my sadness for a while.. Is that so bad?

I am tired of trying/ having good intentions. It was nice to have this day to sleep and be antisocial.

And I know I am going to binge tonight... But I don't really care! It's so exausting feeling guilty so much.

Diabetes

How do you know if you have it?

My feet and ankles have been swollen since last night and my hands and feet feel tingly.

I have gained a tremendous amount of weight very fast and eat horribly. What if I am making myself really sick?

On a seperate note, I didn't go to the surgery info session. Now that I have swollen balloon feet, maybe I should have!

Another BIG binge tonight. I basically had two very large dinners after getting into an argument with my dad. More on that later.

My Story, My Shortcut

After my last post "Binge = Surgery?" Food Addict suggested that I watch the first episode of "Losing it with Jilian"on NBC. I watched it right after I got the suggestion and really, really related to the girl who had lap band surgery, but was still struggling with her body issues and self worth.

To really understand why I related to her so much, you have to know about my "shortcut"...

About 5 years ago, I was overweight. I was miserable (or so I thought). One of my doctors gave me a weight loss drug called Phentermine and Prozac. The two drugs together have a history of weight loss... Doctor's call this combination Phen-Pro.

"Phen-Pro" is the combination of phentermine and a low dose of one of the following: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, trazadone or Effexor. The second medicine is necessary because phentermine used alone stops working after a few weeks. The second medicine makes phentermine work longer and better. Although the second medicine is also an antidepressant, its use in the phen-pro combination has nothing to do with depression.

The two drugs made me feel physically full, like I couldn't put anything into my mouth. I took the drug for about 3 years. Anyway, in the end, I lost 40+ pounds.

Life was amazing. I was 125 pounds. I was popular. Guys liked me. I wasn't the fat girl anymore. Just like the girl in the TV show though, I still thought I was fat and had bad body image issues even though I was thin. Still, life was better.

That lasted about two years.

Then, the weight started to creep back into my life as the drug wore off. I felt like God was punishing me. And, here I am today almost 100 pounds heavier than my lowest weight. This all happened within the last 3 years. It has been severely traumatic.

That quick fix weight loss solution obviously didn't stop the bingeing or the root of the problem, and I am worse off today than where I was in the beginning. This is why I was looking into the weight loss surgery... I know its bad, but this weekend I felt like I needed another quick fix. I don't know if I am strong enough to do this on my own... The last time I did this, it was a miracle. I took some pills and then became thin.

So, now you know the secret story that only my parents know. The one that messed with my mind and my life. I don't know if I will ever get over this.

Response to Comments

In response to "Another sick day," Recovering Anorexic left me the following comment: 

If you feel like you cannot stop binging on your own, I would go into inpatient. However, are you even trying to reach out for some support before the binge takes place? Are you trying anything before you get into relapse mode? Recognizing when you want to/are going to binge is a good indicator to do something else in order to protect your recovery. I don't feel like the outpatient program will help you if you keep binging; food may not make us high or drunk, but it will keep us in that fog and it will keep us from working on the program. 

My response: I think you are right. Nothing is going to help me if I can't stop bingeing to see the feelings/reasons underneath. Today, my ED program counselor Amy described it like this: How can a cocaine addict get to the bottom of his/her addiction if he/she is still using? Currently, I am bingeing every single day. Last week, I gave up trying to be good. I got frustrated. I haven't tried to do much else when I want to binge because it is SO powerful. I have tried to do things like take a bath, do my nails and journal, but those things aren't working. When I am in that moment, about to binge, I feel like bingeing is the ONLY thing that will make me feel better... and so I binge.

I don't know if I am trying hard enough. Part of me doesn't want to try. I feel hopeless.

In my response to "Binge = Surgery?" Recovering Anorexic also left me the following comment:

If you do get the surgery and become thin -- will everything else magically get better? Something to think about.

Also, I watched a "True Life" episode on MTV about someone who had compulsive overeating as his eating disorder. He got the same surgery in order to become thin. Well...once he became thin he thought he could handle life without the band in (and without binging). Once he got it off he was straight back onto the food and binged his little heart out. Instead of seeking treatment for the reasons behind the ED, he decided to get the lapband in again instead (the easy way out). And he was still just as miserable.

Good luck with whatever path you choose -- I hope you hear what you need to hear on Thursday. 

My response: This comment seemed harsh, but I know everything you are saying is true. I know a "quick fix" isn't the answer. I have been thinking about it all day and know this surgery isn't what I need. I might still go to the info session just to hear about it.. not sure. I am going to talk to my therapist about it first.

I know that I am going to have to do some hard work to get out of this eating disorder. I keep looking for shortcuts, but I know that isn't the answer. I've been there before. I've tried shortcuts, and here I am again.

The question is HOW can I stop bingeing so that I can start recovering?

Binge = Surgery?

After I wrote my last post, I went to the grocery store and had another major binge. It was my only way to relax. I am exausted and stressed out about work and my life. Today I talked to the dietition about worrying too much about what others think of me. It's a big issue in my life.

Anyway, I decided that Thursday I am going to an info session about lapband surgery. I figured it couldn't hurt to hear about it. I know it's probably not the best idea because of my bingeing, but I also know that I won't be happy unless I an thin. Maybe the surgery can stop the bingeing because it'll make me sick if I binge. Anyway, it's just an info session. I'm not making any decisions.

When I told me parents that I wanted to go to the info session, they seemed a little too excited about it. Maybe excited isn't the right word- I'll say overly supportive. Part of me wanted them to say "you don't need the surgery and we love you as you are." They didn't blatently say that they want me to lose weight, but that's the message I got.

They are right though. Living this way sucks and I don't want to do this anymore. Maybe the surgery is like a ray of hope?

I want to be thin so much, but all I do is eat because I'm upset. Carbscarbscarbs. Just can't get enough.

Any thoughts?

Gratitude Post #2

Today, I am grateful for...
-My grandma who is 86 and still rockin it like she's 36!
-My big, comfy bed
-My new vanilla candle
-My new highlights (in my hair)
-Quiet
-My love of reading..i just started "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett
-Comments on my blog (leave one!)

In hell

Today I saw a video of myself at work on a video conference call. It made me feel sick. I have become so fat and horribly ugly. I don't even recognize myself.

Now, I pretty much avoid all mirrors and get dressed quickly so I don't have to look at myself everyday, but the video today really made me realize how gross I am.

I hate myself right now. I am in hell.

Becoming "Whole"

My therapist sent me the following email after our last session...

I had some thoughts after our meeting I wanted to share with you.  I thought about how hard this last week has been for you and I think it might be helpful to remember that it's all happening in a context of doing some hard work on creating a different way of relating to your mom.  This is very important and very unsettling work for you, as it means a big shift inside you....a shift toward thinking of yourself in a different way...as a person with important feelings and thoughts that need to be heard more, and understood.  It's also a shift in thinking about you and your mom as more distinct, not less close, but close in a different way.  I think your anxiety (and bingeing to help manage the anxiety) is about these shifts.

Here is my take on it..

I am not sure that this is so much about my mom. I agree that I am learning to be my own person and have thoughts and feelings that are not related to hers. That is definitely true and very helpful in my struggle with this disorder.

I think a lot of this has to do with feeling accepted with everyone (guys, friends, coworkers, etc...). It has a lot to do with fitting in and not feeling like I am confident enough to be myself right now. This relates to my mom a little, but I don’t want to fully “blame” her for all of this. That makes me feel guilty. I love my mom more than anything.

So, I am struggling with the part of me that wants to break away and be my own person (knowing that she always wanted me to be more like her) and the part of me that just wants to be a little girl and crawl back into her arms. I guess this does have a lot to do with her after all. Is that bad?

I went to dinner with my mom tonight because my dad is out of town. I hadn’t seen her in over a week, longer than we usually go without seeing each other (even though we talk multiple times a day). It was really good to see her and I felt “whole” for the first time in a long time, which I know is very unhealthy. I need to work on feeling like that when I am by myself, completely alone. I need/want to become a confident, “whole” person on my own... someone who doesn’t have to depend on anyone else to feel better.

How did we get to be this way? My mom is my best friend, and although I know I need to grow up, I really don’t want to let her go :(

I am a giant hot dog

Tonight I skipped the EDA meeting and binged on James Coney Island . I had 4 chili cheese dogs and three chili cheese fries. I feel disgusting. Like a beached whale. Or like a giant hot dog.

After meeting with the program leader Amy today and my psychiatrist, I still did it. I was feeling left out with my friends and so I got mad and binged. I made it all up in my head too. They weren't really leaving me out.

This has been a hard week for me. I think the "newness" and excitement of the eating disorder program is fading. Now I am just stuck with my disease and my fat.

I need to be going to meetings every single day (like the 90 meetings in 90 days that people do after hospitalization), but i keep bailing. I find every exuse in the book: they are at bad times in bad locations, I am tired, I am scared, I have too much work, I will get lost, etc etc etc.

Yuck. That is what I feel write now.

Gratitude Post #1

I am going to start posting things I am thankful for in attempt to call attention to all of the good things in my life. Here goes day #1.

Today, I am thankful for:

1. My family who supports me
2. My apartment - a place where I can relax
3. My eating disorder program - it has helped me in many ways
4. My iphone. I love it.
5. My awesome mac computer, which I am using right now to write this post

That is all I could think of for now... and most of them are material things. Hopefully, as I do this more often, I will get better at being thankful for the important things in my life.

Plus sizes, where are you?

Dear fabulous readers,

I need your help.

Instead of feeling horrible every morning because I have no summer clothes, I need to go and purchase some. WHERE IS THE BEST PLACE TO BUY PLUS SIZE FASHIONABLE CLOTHES? I am not talking about any of that matronly, ugly stuff... I need cute, feminine, young, fun stuff to wear to work and on the weekend. HELP!

Waiting for your comments,
Me

Another sick day

Soon, they are going to fire me. Today I took another sick day.

I went to the dietition at 8am in a horrible mood. I left the house in a sweater in almost 100 degrees. I felt miserable. Through the whole appointment I was thinking about what I could binge on after.

So, I left the appointment, emailed the CEO and said I was sick (still no replacement for my boss) and went to kroger. I bought chocolate chip cookies, chips and queso, a lunchables pizza kit, reeses pb cups, and gold fish. Then, I went home and ate as much a I could and then fell asleep. I woke up and did the same thing again and then again. For dinner I ordered enough Chinese food for two people and ate every bite. I think today was my biggest binge(s) ever.

I feel horrible. My stomach feels huge and I have a lump in my throat. I feel tearful and anxious right now. I hate everything about myself. Why did I do this?

How am I going to go to work tomorrow? I wish I could take more time off but I have already taken over 10 sick days this year..

I don't want to live like this anymore. How do you know when you are ready for a residential program?

I'm drowning.

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over...

My parents sent me a card in the mail (even though they live in the same city as I do), and I thought I should share it with you.

The front of the card has the following quote on it: "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly." -proverb

The note is as follows:

Dear _______,

I know how hard you are trying and all the effort and commitment you are putting into your recovery. I know you will be okay and get into a better place.

We love you and we are always here for you and will support you in any way we can.

I know somethimes things seem dark, but it will get bright again. Hang in there and keep your chin up! You are so beautiful and wonderful inside and out and we are so proud of the woman you are.

Our love always,

Mom and Dad

The note made me cry. How can everyone (but me) see the light at the end of the tunnel? 

My weekend was fair. My mom was out of town, so I spent some time with my dad. We went to a movie last night and then went to a museum today. It was good to spend some quality time with him doing the things that we like to do that my mom does not always enjoy. My dad is quieter than my mom in some ways though, and although he did ask me about the program, I did not tell him anything. I felt uncomfortable... I am not sure why. Maybe because I know he doesn't understand this.

I guess, here we go. On to another week...

Failed Attempt

Tonight I binged. I ordered three separate meals from an Italian restaurant and extra breadsticks. I ate all three meals and then was surprise that I didn't feel as full as I usually do when I binge. It seems I am getting fatter and fatter and it takes more and more for me to feel that stuffed feeling.

After the binge, I sat there feeling horrible for an hour. After that, I went into my bathroom and tried to purge but nothing would come out. I am not good at making myself throw up. So, I quit. Who cares. I am fat and ugly anyway... The food might as well stay.

Now, I feel defeated because I couldn't do it but I figured maybe the food already digested?

Don't get my wrong, I am not a purger normally but I thought it would make me feel better. Now, after my failed attempt, I am exausted and kinda mad at my body. What did I do wrong?

Well, so much for going to a recovery meeting tonigtht... I feel like I'm in for another bad weekend...

Goodnight, all.

No one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in

Last night I went to my first Eating Disorders Anonymous (EDA) meeting. Only three other people were there - I felt very uncomfortable and I am not sure if it is a meeting I want to go to again in the future. I did not relate to the other three people as well as I do with the people in my therapy group. It was disappointing.

The EDA website notes that “you will see anywhere from 2 - 20 people at the meeting. An average meeting has about 8. You will be warmly welcomed. We check the shame and guilt at the door when we walk in. You may feel instantly bonded with the other people because we all share the same common problems and disease.”

I did not feel welcome or bonded with the other three girls there. When I said I was a binge/compulsive eater, I felt like the other girls looked at me like I did not have a “real” eating disorder. Like, unless I had anorexia or bulimia, I did not “get it.” TRUST ME, I GET IT! I find this to be the case a lot. I am not sure whether this insecurity is in my head or real. Can you relate?

Still, I am very proud of myself that I WENT to a meeting. It look a lot for me to get there. I have been blowing off going to meetings for weeks. So, yay! That is a big step for me! I am trying to remember that and also, to take it one day at a time... (for a great post on living day by day, check out "My June Mantra: Live Today & Stop Tackling Myself" from a blog called Voice in Recovery.

Today, I went to group again and then came home and ate A LOT of chinese food. I felt extremely full. The program is overall helping me to feel better, but I can’t seem to get the eating part under control. grrr. Thats frustrating. I am not sure I am trying hard enough... Something for me to ponder.

On another note, I heard one of my favorite songs today on the radio and I thought I would share some of the inspiring lyrics with you. This is the way I want/need to think about my future. It is important for me to realize that this eating disorder has NOT ruined my life.

"Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten