Thursday, June 10, 2010

Becoming "Whole"

My therapist sent me the following email after our last session...

I had some thoughts after our meeting I wanted to share with you.  I thought about how hard this last week has been for you and I think it might be helpful to remember that it's all happening in a context of doing some hard work on creating a different way of relating to your mom.  This is very important and very unsettling work for you, as it means a big shift inside you....a shift toward thinking of yourself in a different a person with important feelings and thoughts that need to be heard more, and understood.  It's also a shift in thinking about you and your mom as more distinct, not less close, but close in a different way.  I think your anxiety (and bingeing to help manage the anxiety) is about these shifts.

Here is my take on it..

I am not sure that this is so much about my mom. I agree that I am learning to be my own person and have thoughts and feelings that are not related to hers. That is definitely true and very helpful in my struggle with this disorder.

I think a lot of this has to do with feeling accepted with everyone (guys, friends, coworkers, etc...). It has a lot to do with fitting in and not feeling like I am confident enough to be myself right now. This relates to my mom a little, but I don’t want to fully “blame” her for all of this. That makes me feel guilty. I love my mom more than anything.

So, I am struggling with the part of me that wants to break away and be my own person (knowing that she always wanted me to be more like her) and the part of me that just wants to be a little girl and crawl back into her arms. I guess this does have a lot to do with her after all. Is that bad?

I went to dinner with my mom tonight because my dad is out of town. I hadn’t seen her in over a week, longer than we usually go without seeing each other (even though we talk multiple times a day). It was really good to see her and I felt “whole” for the first time in a long time, which I know is very unhealthy. I need to work on feeling like that when I am by myself, completely alone. I need/want to become a confident, “whole” person on my own... someone who doesn’t have to depend on anyone else to feel better.

How did we get to be this way? My mom is my best friend, and although I know I need to grow up, I really don’t want to let her go :(

1 comment:

  1. My mom and I are very close also, and it's been a long struggle for me to become "separate" from her without letting her go completely. I think it's been more about her needing me to need her, and when I pull away (which we all need to do to some extent) she gets hurt and offended. I had to completely take control of my independence, and it was painful for both she and I, and it's still painful for her (although we talk and see each other all the time). Now that I don't "need" her to fulfill all of my emotional needs, I have come to realize it is more about her than it is me. I don't have any advice, but it is possible to pull away and still hold onto her all at once. It's just going to be a dance of give-and-take, and the process may be a long one, but it is possible. Love and hugs to you.