After my last post "Binge = Surgery?" Food Addict suggested that I watch the first episode of "Losing it with Jilian"on NBC. I watched it right after I got the suggestion and really, really related to the girl who had lap band surgery, but was still struggling with her body issues and self worth.
To really understand why I related to her so much, you have to know about my "shortcut"...
About 5 years ago, I was overweight. I was miserable (or so I thought). One of my doctors gave me a weight loss drug called Phentermine and Prozac. The two drugs together have a history of weight loss... Doctor's call this combination Phen-Pro.
"Phen-Pro" is the combination of phentermine and a low dose of one of the following: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, trazadone or Effexor. The second medicine is necessary because phentermine used alone stops working after a few weeks. The second medicine makes phentermine work longer and better. Although the second medicine is also an antidepressant, its use in the phen-pro combination has nothing to do with depression.
The two drugs made me feel physically full, like I couldn't put anything into my mouth. I took the drug for about 3 years. Anyway, in the end, I lost 40+ pounds.
Life was amazing. I was 125 pounds. I was popular. Guys liked me. I wasn't the fat girl anymore. Just like the girl in the TV show though, I still thought I was fat and had bad body image issues even though I was thin. Still, life was better.
That lasted about two years.
Then, the weight started to creep back into my life as the drug wore off. I felt like God was punishing me. And, here I am today almost 100 pounds heavier than my lowest weight. This all happened within the last 3 years. It has been severely traumatic.
That quick fix weight loss solution obviously didn't stop the bingeing or the root of the problem, and I am worse off today than where I was in the beginning. This is why I was looking into the weight loss surgery... I know its bad, but this weekend I felt like I needed another quick fix. I don't know if I am strong enough to do this on my own... The last time I did this, it was a miracle. I took some pills and then became thin.
So, now you know the secret story that only my parents know. The one that messed with my mind and my life. I don't know if I will ever get over this.
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you are so brave for posting this, good for you! stay strong girl!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry if my last comment came off harsh; I was afraid it would, but I'm glad you got something positive out of it. My only intention was to have you get to the conclusion that you already came to -- that quick fix solutions don't always work. I'm not perfect. Reading my blog alone will tell you that -- but I think you are so strong for what you are doing, even if you are bingeing. You are writing about it -- and that takes a lot of honesty and courage -- and you are admitting to yourself that you have a problem and that you know what you are doing is self-destructive. Getting out of that denial is the first step and I think you are on a pretty good path.
ReplyDeleteAs for how you STOP bingeing? I can't answer that one. Different things work for different people. Some call someone for support, some count to 30, some white knuckle it. But the less binges we have, the easier it will get. Also -- knowing that LOGICALLY our lives will NOT end if we DON'T binge help too. Difficult, yes. But possible.
Also sorry if I came off harsh! I am so glad you had the chance to watch that episode... and relate to that blonde girl.
ReplyDeleteI think you ARE strong enough to do this on your own... you're strong enough to share this story (which is not easy). That proves you are strong enough to succeed.
I'm glad you've decided to go into inpatient. I hope you'll be able to get to the root of your problem. It seems like that's the key. Once we know what's holding us back... we can defeat it! The only thing -- I'm going to miss your blog while you're in inpatient.