Monday, June 7, 2010

Another sick day

Soon, they are going to fire me. Today I took another sick day.

I went to the dietition at 8am in a horrible mood. I left the house in a sweater in almost 100 degrees. I felt miserable. Through the whole appointment I was thinking about what I could binge on after.

So, I left the appointment, emailed the CEO and said I was sick (still no replacement for my boss) and went to kroger. I bought chocolate chip cookies, chips and queso, a lunchables pizza kit, reeses pb cups, and gold fish. Then, I went home and ate as much a I could and then fell asleep. I woke up and did the same thing again and then again. For dinner I ordered enough Chinese food for two people and ate every bite. I think today was my biggest binge(s) ever.

I feel horrible. My stomach feels huge and I have a lump in my throat. I feel tearful and anxious right now. I hate everything about myself. Why did I do this?

How am I going to go to work tomorrow? I wish I could take more time off but I have already taken over 10 sick days this year..

I don't want to live like this anymore. How do you know when you are ready for a residential program?

I'm drowning.

1 comment:

  1. If you feel like you cannot stop binging on your own, I would go into inpatient. However, are you even trying to reach out for some support before the binge takes place? Are you trying anything before you get into relapse mode? Recognizing when you want to/are going to binge is a good indicator to do something else in order to protect your recovery. I don't feel like the outpatient program will help you if you keep binging; food may not make us high or drunk, but it will keep us in that fog and it will keep us from working on the program.