Thursday, June 3, 2010

No one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in

Last night I went to my first Eating Disorders Anonymous (EDA) meeting. Only three other people were there - I felt very uncomfortable and I am not sure if it is a meeting I want to go to again in the future. I did not relate to the other three people as well as I do with the people in my therapy group. It was disappointing.

The EDA website notes that “you will see anywhere from 2 - 20 people at the meeting. An average meeting has about 8. You will be warmly welcomed. We check the shame and guilt at the door when we walk in. You may feel instantly bonded with the other people because we all share the same common problems and disease.”

I did not feel welcome or bonded with the other three girls there. When I said I was a binge/compulsive eater, I felt like the other girls looked at me like I did not have a “real” eating disorder. Like, unless I had anorexia or bulimia, I did not “get it.” TRUST ME, I GET IT! I find this to be the case a lot. I am not sure whether this insecurity is in my head or real. Can you relate?

Still, I am very proud of myself that I WENT to a meeting. It look a lot for me to get there. I have been blowing off going to meetings for weeks. So, yay! That is a big step for me! I am trying to remember that and also, to take it one day at a time... (for a great post on living day by day, check out "My June Mantra: Live Today & Stop Tackling Myself" from a blog called Voice in Recovery.

Today, I went to group again and then came home and ate A LOT of chinese food. I felt extremely full. The program is overall helping me to feel better, but I can’t seem to get the eating part under control. grrr. Thats frustrating. I am not sure I am trying hard enough... Something for me to ponder.

On another note, I heard one of my favorite songs today on the radio and I thought I would share some of the inspiring lyrics with you. This is the way I want/need to think about my future. It is important for me to realize that this eating disorder has NOT ruined my life.

"Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

1 comment:

  1. They usually say to try at least seven meetings before you find one you connect with. Even though meetings say you'll feel comfortable, we are all different and we are in all different stages of recovery. Some people will be more understanding than others who don't really understand the program at all. It's okay to not "click" in a meeting; just don't let it detour your away from ALL meetings.